What would you do?

allwildgirl

allwildgirl

Cathlete
Okay, here’s a hypothetical situation. Two women meet and become great friends. They live far apart, but they visit occasionally and communicate by e-mail and phone daily. They are very close.

Suddenly, one of them stops communicating. It doesn’t taper off. It just STOPS. Dead. The other one is confused and keeps trying to find out what’s going on. Is everything okay? Did she do/say something to offend her friend? It’s all to no avail, however, because she never, ever hears from her friend again. She’s sad and doesn’t understand what happened. There’s no closure. And it hurts. A lot.

The women met posting on a forum similar to this one. The woman who stopped communicating is now back. And still not talking to her so-called friend. Who would still love to find out what the heck happened to cause the rift. She’s tried communicating again, but still no reply.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it? Did you ever manage to move on? Are you still sad?
 
Shelley, my situation is very similar except I met my friend at college. We were best buds, practically attached at the hip. I was her maid of honor in her wedding and she was supposed to fly in to be my maid of honor at mine. Then all of a sudden two weeks before my wedding she stopped calling. I was so busy with the wedding arrangements that I didn't think too much of it at first. When she hadn't sent me her flight details though by the week before(I was supposed to pick her up) I got a little nervous. I finally got a hold of her on the phone 2 DAYS before the wedding. I just flat out asked if she was coming or not and she said no. No explanation, nothing - just silence. I was so shocked I just said ok and bye. I've never talked to her or heard from her again. I've spent the last 6 years wondering what I did and maybe not wanting to know. I've even had dreams that we were friends again and she apologizes. I've tried contacting her on e-mail, facebook etc... She's moved since then so no idea where she is living now. Every time I think about it, it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm still upset that she screwed me over 2 days before my wedding, but at the same time I'm worried about her. I hope your situation works out better! (((HUGS)))
 
Oh, Liann, how truly AWFUL for you! Two days before your wedding? What a terrible thing to do. I understand the sick feeling. And the worry.
 
I've never been in that type of situation Shelley but I can imagine how hurt the woman must be who was "left out in the cold" so to speak. I think the one that stopped communicating is being selfish and cruel. She owes an explanation to her friend/ex-friend or whatever the case may be. If it were me, I'd be a constant pain in the you know what until I got an answer as to why she stopped talking to me!
 
OMG, Liann, I'm so sorry that happened to you! (((HUGS)))

Shelley, you already know how I feel about this hypothetical sitatuation. Being dumped is one thing, but being dumped without ever knowing WHY is just unfair. It would be so much easier to have closure and move on if we just knew WHY. (((HUGS)))
 
Shelley,

I had that same problem several years ago but with a friend I worked with (problem in itself). She stopped talking to me and finally, I worked up the courage to corner her in the bathroom. I told her that I was completely flabbergasted and had no idea what was wrong. She was shocked and told me the problem and we were able to square it away right then.

Has the friend tried this approach by phone? I guess if she refuses ANY communication then I would say move on, sadly, but move on nonetheless. Bummer!
 
Liann - WOW!! Just...wow. That's crazy. :(

Shelley - I've never been in the situation you described, but I think the most a person can really do is put it out there that the communication line is open and hope for the best. Has it been established that the friend is physically OK?
 
>Oh, Liann, how truly AWFUL for you! Two days before your
>wedding? What a terrible thing to do. I understand the sick
>feeling. And the worry.


Shelly - it was really odd. There was a very weird vibe at her wedding though. My DH and I had just become engaged and she really seemed to resent him for some reason. She always hated guys that I dated though looking back to college. She was happiest when it was me, her and her boyfriend now husband. Anytime I had a boyfriend it just threw her for some reason. After her wedding though she was totally fine towards me on the phone etc... She never mentioned anything about my DH again, so I'm not sure if I was just imagining that she had any animosity towards him. Anyways, lucky for me I had her dress at my house and was holding it there rather than shipping it to her. My DH's sister fit the dress perfect and she became one of my bridesmaids. It meant sooo much to her to be in the wedding, so in the end it worked out better. I had a childhood friend (who was already a bridesmaid) step in as my matron of honor and again I'm really glad I did. I just hate the lack of closure and not really knowing what I did to offend the former BFF. :/ It really does suck and I totally know where you are coming from.
 
Shelley, I'm so sorry about this. I honestly don't know what more you can do. You've reached out to her to no avail so I would just let it go at this point. The ball is in her court and if she chooses to drop it then I don't see what other options you have. It's really sad and clearly, she's not the friend you thought she was, and no longer deserving of your good graces.

Liann, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I just don't understand how people can be so unkind.

:(
 
Well, let me tell you what happened to me. This friend and I met by exchanging garden seeds via an exchange column in a gardening magazine. We wrote frequently, started calling, and finally visited each other several times. Then, she started acting very distant whenever I'd call her, and she never answered my letters. I finally let it go, but never knew why she ended it.

Then, well over a year later, I get an email from her. She said she thought I'd want to know why she stopped writing, etc. She said I had said something once that made her mad... but she couldn't remember what it was! Now, that ticked me off. She let our friendship end over something so trivial that she can't remember it? And she had the gall to admit it? We exchanged a few rather venomous emails, and I've never spoken to her again.

Point of story: Let it go. Her reasons will probably just hurt you more.
 
I'm so sorry, Shelley. Yes, something like that has happened to me, too. You know, it's bad enough when you're dumped unceremoniously by a guy, but it is SO much worse when it's one of your girlfriends.

I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better, but, with no closure, no reason, no response from the other person, well, it all just adds up to being very painful.

I know this will sound lame, like something your mom might have told you when you were 10, but--- she wasn't much of a friend if she won't even let you know what she thinks you did wrong and give you a chance to make it right.

Again, I'm so sorry. It just sucks.;(
 
Shelley,

That is sad. I don't know what you can do if the person refuses to communicate about the topic.

I had two friends from grad school they I was very close to. They were both at my wedding and we chatted all the time. Friend A passed away suddenly and I called friend B and left a message because I was devasted and needed to chat with someone who loved A like I did. Well B never returned that call and I haven't spoken to her in three years. So odd I just never figured out what the deal was with it.

I've decided grown-ups are weird and many times not good at being friends. I think you just have been sad about it for awhile but then move on maybe she will come around or at least tell you what the deal is.


KIM
 
Thanks for your input, everyone. Isn't it awful what women do to each other? I don't think men do this, do they? Don't they just punch each other and move on?
 
I wouldn't make any further effort to contact her as she has made it quite clear she doesn't want to speak to you. She is clearly quite childish and not worth your time so stop wondering if it's you--it's her problem. Right now you're left wondering and I am sure it hurts but one day you'll find it doesn't matter anymore. There are enough toxic people in this world you certainly don't need them as friends ;-)
 
Shelley I am also so sorry for this woman's (your??) struggles. No one should have to endure this from a "friend". I have a question though. In your original post you said the woman who stopped communicating "is now back". Did she go somewhere - on a trip or something? Could something have happened while she was gone? I realize I'm asking you to speculate, but I am just wondering if there may be some "closure clues" in her absence. I would be going nuts not knowing too, and while I agree that letting go and moving on is the "right" thing to do, it is much easier said than done - esp as you pointed out, with women. Hugs to you.

Lorrie

www.picturetrail.com/lsass
 
Lorrie - I just meant that she's back posting on the forums where they (yeah, okay, we) met. She didn't go anywhere, just didn't post on the forums for a long while.
 
What Beavs said, plus...her loss. You are a great person who deserves good mature friends that communicate.

This has not happened to me, but I don't have alot of close women friends.

I have two close female friends from high school. We still email each other and occasionally talk on the phone, other than that? A few others, but nothing "best friend" like.
I have always found friendships with women challenging, I love women and love being around "the girls", but have never made women friends that easy even though I think I am a pretty great friend.

I am pretty straight forward and in your face, and I haven't found any women around here like me, there is always some competition/agenda thing happening or whatever, you know what I mean? Maybe if I had kids it would be easier, then you have something in common.

So after all that, she can kiss your fast ass Shelley!;) ((HUGS))

PS. "fast ass"...wanted to clarify, Shelley can run like the wind!
 
Shelley,

Go look at the "I'm F***ing Matt Damon" video. It won't solve anything, but it'll make you feel better for 4 1/2 minutes!!!!
 
Shelley,
I am sorry you are going through this. I haven't read others posts so I hope I am not repeating someone. There is a very good book about this called - "What did I do wrong". It's all about how women end relationships, become distant - with no real closure or warning. It's all so cold. It was written from both peoples perspectives the "dumper" and the "dumpee". Very enlightening book. If you get a chance it's worth the read.
 
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