What would you do?

Shelley, I am so sorry this happened to you. I have had it happen to me a few times when I was younger but never as an adult. I know that it hurts ALOT, especially when there is no closure. I am also very embarassed to admit that I have done this to someone when I was in my early 20's. I won't go into the details but I was messed up for a long time and was basically very jealous of her, if you want to get right down to it. It took me about 15 years to finally admit how stupid and childish I was and reach out to this person and tell her how truly sorry I am for doing this to her. I am so glad that she has forgiven me and we are friends again. She was like a sister to me so I have carried a lot of pain in my heart over having hurt her this way. Then as the years went by I felt more and more embarassed over not having made things right. I hope some day she will at least tell you why she abandoned your friendship. I just share my tidbit with you to let you know that it is more than likely a problem she has personally than it is something you did. It is not your fault and it is her loss. ((((Hugs)))))
 
This happened to me with my BEST FRIEND of 25 years. We were extremely close and spoke on the phone 4-5 times a day. I started noticing the phone calls were becoming less and there was a change in her behavior. I asked her about it and asked if I had done anything. She said no. She was pulling away. I let it go for a month or so and asked her again. I knew things were changing. I decided I was NOT going to pursue it any longer because I did everything I could to find answers. I never called her again and she never called me. I chalked it up to the fact that people just change. There doesn't have to be a specific reason for it. My mother's good friend of 40 years did the same thing to her. When my mother asked her about it, she told her, "it's not you, it's me." There have been people I've known for awhile in which the relationship just changed for no particular reason. I think that's just one of those human nature types of things. It's always an honorable thing if the person can at least tell you something, such as my mother's friend did. If they can't in person, even a brief letter would be helpful but people are funny about talking about their emotions or feelings. They just don't know how to and for them, the best way to deal with it is avoidance. I'm sorry this has happened to you but try not to look any further for answers. Sometimes there just aren't any.

Bam
 
Shelley,

I had this happen to me a couple of years ago with a woman who was one of my closest friends. We'd been friends for years and talked by phone at least once a day. We'd get together for coffee, work out together, were in the same book group, had dinners at each other's houses, etc. etc. Then, one day she stopped returning phone calls without any explanation. I'd see her at school and she'd act very friendly and say she'd just been busy. I went out of town on business and got a letter from her that "although I was a great, wonderful person we couldn't be friends anymore but it was nothing personal..." My DH was ready to slap her because of all I'd done for this particular woman and then she "dumps" me with no explanation, let alone the "nothing personal" remark. (yeah, right, it was just business, like in the Godfather!)

Anyway, I took the high road, never said a bad word about her, just said "Hi" if I ran into her somewhere (we're in the same neighborhood). Two years later my best guess is that she was remarrying and her new husband was jealous of her being close to anyone else. So, she decided to cut me off to prove to him how much she loved him. Whatever.

If I were in your shoes, I'd move on, stop trying to reach out and hope the hole in your heart closes up one day.

Yes, I'm still hurt by what my former friend did to me, and I'm a lot more wary in my friendships with other women. It's sad but now I think that too many women regard friendships as disposable or weapons. (((((hugs))))) I also sent you a PM.

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Shelley, it's not nearly the same thing, but I felt a great loss when one of the posters here on the Cathe boards stopped posting. We never met in person, or even spoke on the phone. I and many others here adored her. Then one day she was gone just as suddenly as she came. From time to time she stops by to say a quick "hello" and I try to be polite, but I don't really feel like responding. But then I'm infamous for being supersensitive. In your situation, which is much more real, I admit that I would have a very hard time moving on. VERY HARD TIME.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SHELLEY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
 
I've also had this happen. It's hurtful, but even more so, very perplexing. And I still feel some sense of 'something unfinished,' even though the person who 'jilted' me and I would have absolutely nothing in common nowdays.

Just know that it isn't anything you did. Some people just have things going on in their head that they don't tell other people about, or they can imagine some slight or insult.
 
I'm going through a similar situation right now.

A dear friend, who I thought was part of my inner circle, went on the mission field in northern Africa. We kept up through e mail and saw each other frequently when she and her family were on furlough and things were great. But when she came back in the summer of 2006, I noticed an unexplainable distance. I was devastated and wracked my brain trying to think of what I'd done to make her act that way.

All of the next year, she never e mailed me from the country she was in. Now she is back for a year and I see her occasionally at church and we are cordial, but the intimacy is gone. I'm heart-broken and baffled. I'd also never have the courage to ask what happened. Our family was supporting them financially, but I've stopped. Childish? perhaps, but part of the reason I was supporting her was that she was such a dear friend. Now I feel like I hardly know her, so how can I shell out money every month. I'm struggling with bitterness and it sort of feels good to vent on this forum about it.

As a christian I know I'm supposed to forgive, but I'm not there yet. I do pray about it though and I think that with time forgiveness will come. It's still so raw right now.

So Shelley--I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope that you can move on. You aren't alone (((hugs)))

Maggie
 
Maggie, sometimes people come to resent the hand that feeds them. It can be very difficult to need money and accept it from friends. Mixing friendship and finances can be the kiss of death for a relationship. Maybe that was involved somehow?
 
Shelley,

I'm sorry this has happened to you. IA that you have done all you could by reaching out, and now you just have to find a way to come to peace with it and let it go.

Count me in as another person who can relate to being "dropped" by a friend. In the past year, I've run into that issue with my BF, who checked out once she & her now-SO became serious. Pretty much as soon as they exchanged "I love you's," she became distant and completely absorbed in his life, and while she didn't cut off contact altogether, it was sporadic and pretty one-sided. It hurt to think the friendship no longer mattered. There were a couple of stressful incidents in my life in recent months where I would've appreciated her support, but I learned that this person whom I used to talk to several times a day as though she were a sister is now someone I can't truly count on anymore. I've accepted it, but I still find it sad.

I also agree with the statement that sometimes you are better off not knowing a person's reasons. I'm a pretty upfront person, and fairly early on, I tried to talk to her a few times about it. She was mostly defensive and denied that there was a change. I later came to understand that he was/is very demanding of her time. Last fall, when I was just about ready to write off the friendship as unsalvageable, we had a heart-to-heart and she said she was sorry for how she'd handled things and that she didn't want to lose my friendship. She acknowledged that he doesn't leave her time for much else, but she admitted tearfully that she didn't see things changing, either. He "is it for me," she said. After that conversation, she told him she needed more "girl time," but our lives are busy, and it just doesn't happen. Now she's 3 months pregnant, so I imagine friendship will be even less of a priority.

In the end, I never really "got" the notion that you have to choose between your best friend and your boyfriend. I thought about letting the friendship fade but decided to just accept it for what it is, which means I just don't expect much. Period. She tries, in her own small, limited way.

It may seem as though your friend doesn't care for you, but that may not be the case at all. This might sound like a contradiction, but in my experience, when a friend "screws up" with someone s/he respects, it may be even harder for him/her to own up and face that friend. For many people, the more time passes, the more difficult it is to try to make it right.

(((HUGS))) to you. It sucks, I know.

[font face="heather" font color=black size=+2]~Cathy[/font]

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Thank you all so much for your input. It saddens me to see how many people have experienced this situation. I do understand that people come and go in our lives, and if there had been a fading or gradual lessening, I guess it would have been easier to handle.

It's clear that she's not going to return any of my attempts at communication, so I guess I have to figure out now how to deal with it and move on.

It's so nice to know that I can come here for answers and support.:)
 
Shelley, I've been dumped by a couple friends in my life, and it's always baffling and painful. I've also had some close friends who I just drifted away from (usually after moving away--I've done a lot of moving). I'm never the last to write or call, though. But after the communication stops from the other person, I give up and focus on all my other friends. I don't know what to tell you except to say that obviously this has happened to a lot of us one way or another and you know there are people you haven't even met out there waiting to be wonderful friends. And hey, you have me now. Sure you haven't exactly met me in person, but I'm swell and I like you. ;)

[font face="comic sans ms" font color=purple]***Lainie***
fitness blog: http://fitnessfig.blogspot.com
dream blog: http://dreamerfig.blogspot.com
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If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Her your plans.[/f
 
Wow, amazing how many of us can relate! I'm sorry you've been hurt, Shelley.

I had a good friend at work and we both became SAHMs after we started having children. We stayed friends for about 5 or 6 years and then she strangely didn't return phonecalls. She had been becoming more and more highstrung, I had observed. She became very political and very obsessed with afterschool activities for her little ones (music lessons, dancing, sports - there was something every day of the week). She also was becoming very manic. I found out a mutual friend was also getting the cold-shoulder.

I had to let it go. I don't know if she truly had problems with me, or just problems. It's been about 5 years now and I still wonder.

I always try to believe that when one door closes, another one opens.

Diane
 
I kind of had the same thing happen to me a little while ago. I worked with a girl and even though our jobs went seperate ways, we still hung out and went for walks together in the summer monthes.She was planning to get married next summer and I was suppose to stand for her. Then in Oct of last yr, she just stopped calling me. I tried calling her numerous times but she would never return my calls. Then when I would run into her she would say that she was working alot (which was true) and that "tomorrow" she would come by for a coffee...but she never showed up. I was left scratching my head, and rethinking about the last few times we were together and what i may have said that drove her away. But I came up with nothing.It got to the point where I gave up. I came to the conclusion that I didn't do anything wrong and if she wanted to throw our friendship away it was up to herself.
When I was at work about 3 weeks ago, she calls. She said "did you forget about me"? I then said " I gave up on you a long time ago" I had to return her call b/c I was busy at the time.
When I called her back I said "whats new"? And then she said " I am single and cancer free" She told me that she was so unhappy in her relationship that she started cutting people out of her life b/c she didn't want them to see how unhappy she was and to start asking questions.Im not so sure that she cut everyone out but oh well...she knew I was catching on b/c during our many walks she would make comments about her relationship, that a women in love wouldn't make.
And then she told me that she just had surgery to get cancer cells removed (she is only 25) but she is doing well.
I informed her that when you are going through a rough patch in yor life, you don't cut your friends out, thats when you need them the most!
So....you may have done nothing wrong. This may be about HER more then it is about YOU. If you can't come up with a good solid reason as to why she hasn't contacted you, then its her.

Lori:)
 
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