Daughter! Help!

gidget1978

gidget1978

Cathlete
We/I just don't know what to do with our daughter anymore. Before I go any further, I don't want to make her sound like a lost cause or a really bad child but I just wish she had respect for other people and clean up after herself.She as good days with bad days but the bad days drive me insane!

Just before Christmas there was the big ordeal with the cell phone that some of you may have read. We kept our word and she didn't get the phone. Not only that but she is moving further away from the phone all the time. I took someones suggestions and Ive used the words "decide" and "choose" but I really don't see a difference. Just the other night I told her that she can have her cell phone but she is choosing not to have it. I told her it was entirly up to herself if she wants the phone or not but she as to earn it.

I am at work today all day and DH isn't much help. He keeps calling me with updates of things she as done, and this boils my blood just as much as her being bad does. He says that he is tired of talking to her.

Earlier today DH took the baby down into his playroom. When he got there, DD was in the room watching a movie. He told her that she had to turn the movie off and put something on for DS. Why she was in the playroom, I have no clue. There are other rooms in the house she could have watched her movie in.DS sees DD, crawls over to her, excited, she gets up from her chair,tries to lift her leg over his head,kicks him in the head and sends him back down on his butt. She didn't hurt him and it was an accident but she didn't even turn around and ask if he was o.k. She just went on.This shows that she doesn't care and I don't want a child that doesn't care.

After we took the cell phone away from her, her attitude did seem to be a little better, but you know what? She wasn't spending much time with her friends at this point. I don't want to blame other kids for my childs carless attitude but it seems like she is at her worse when she hangs with other kids.

She barely picks up after herself,I have to clean her room before I can clean her room, if she is home all day she is in her p.j's roaming from room to room. She is just a lump.We started giving her an allowance but have cut her off until she starts doing things again.

I just made up a list of chores to stick unto the fridge. I have:
*make bed *clean room *attitude * dishes in dishwasher * school bag in room *Clothes in hamper...list goes on. If she does these things everyday, she will get her allowance at the end of the week. If not, nothing, or maybe I will deduct part of her allowance. Im not asking her to clean up my mess or anyone elses...just pick up after herself and this would make my life much easier.
She as already lost her computer, that hasn't been hooked up in ages. Next will be her Ipod and then her t.v in her room.

Is there anything else i can do? I feel like I am failing as a parent. I know they go through things and I know my attitude wasn't always the best but I don't want her to slowly keep going downhill.I just feel hopeless. Am I making wrong choices when taking things from her? Are there other things I should be doing?
 
No words of advice, Lori. My DDs are too young for this yet. I'll let others chime in for advice, but here's a shoulder to cry on!
 
Lori, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not a parent, and forgive me if I'm out of line here, but has she seen a doctor lately? From your description, it sounds like she may be suffering from a low level depression or some other emotional malady. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to her doctor, and consider taking her to a psychiatrist. It really doesn't sound to me like it's anything you're doing. You sound like an excellent parent. But it sounds to me as if her behavior is going beyond the norm. Sure, lots of tweens don't like to clean up after themselves, and are difficult, but to not even be motivated to use the computer or get a cell phone goes a bit far. Most kids live for that stuff. And to not even care about kicking a baby in the head. Well, it's possible depression can do that to someone who might otherwise be a good person. Depression, even low level depression, can cause a person to give up on the things that they would normally care about and be interested in.

Please don't blame yourself. That will just make the situation worse. Communities these days are full of resources. I'm sure there's help out there, and her doctor may be a good place to start. I'm not a parent, but that's my two cents worth. She's lucky to have parents who care!
 
I remember the 1st post vaguely not sure how old daughter is? But I was that daughter, too.

1st thing, she shouldn't have a TV in her room anyway. I don't think anyone, any age should have a TV in the bedroom. Kids don't need TV's in their room. There are TVs in other rooms of the house. She can use one of those, or watch what others are watching. The also make things called "books" she can read one. As for Hubby booting her out of the room she was watching a movie, thats disrespectful. I understand there are other rooms, however she was there 1st and has every right to finish her movie. If you want respect, you have to give respect. Why she was in the playroom, I have no idea, but the younger one can play in another room just as well.

As for the non-apologized kick in the head, that is ABSOLUTELY uncalled for. Although it was an accident, an apology and making sure the younger one is ok is NOT negotiable, there should have been something said there. Ask her how she'd like to be kicked in the head with no apology (don't kick her) or if she saw someone do that to a friend would she just stand there. Or what if one of her friends had accidentally done it - would she have said nothing?? I doubt it.

Cell phone and computer - no go. Doesn't need a cell phone, doesn't need her own computer.

Kids are worse when they are with their friends. Trying to prove they are grown up, and mature and out do one another.

As for her room, let it be a disaster (not to the point of bad health) keep the door closed. Don't do her laundry and don't nag her to do it. When she runs out of clean clothes, she'll figure it out - I guarantee she's not stupid. If she doesn't put her dishes in the dishwasher/sink, put them right back on her spot the next night for dinner. Don't put any food on them, that's nasty. Tell her those are her dishes, she can use them or not eat. I bet she'll get up and wash them.

Trust me I'm not the perfect parent, and I know my parents weren't with me, but some of things they did worked out right. Give it a try. She may think you've gone off the deep end for a day or two, but when she has no underwear and has to eat tonights meatloaf on yesterdays crusted over spaghetti plate, she'll get it.

Nan
 
Nan,
Why is there so much anger behind your post?
**The also make things called "books" she can read one. As for Hubby booting her out of the room she was watching a movie, thats disrespectful. I understand there are other rooms, however she was there 1st and has every right to finish her movie. If you want respect, you have to give respect. Why she was in the playroom, I have no idea, but the younger one can play in another room just as well**

You may have missed my point there. SHE was in the babies playroom...not a room for everyone to go into. Its a room we can take him , that he can crawl around and we know there is nothing there to hurt him.Are we suppose to take him to another room thats unsafe so that she can watch a movie? Where is he suppose to play with his toys? Leave them in there with her until she is done lounging? Its an enviorment we created for him.She doesn't play anymore and I don't think she is going to play with a 1yr olds toys either. My post may sound harsh, but so does yours.
As for books. She does read them. She reads everyday, its a requirment for school but I highly doubt that her reading skills are going to improve her attitude.
Thanks for your reply but a nicer tone may have been a bit more appropriate. Im not looking to argue or fight with anyone. I just want some "tips" on what I should do and what works.
You did me some good tips but why so harsh?

Lori:)
 
Lori, my child is too young to have any of these types of struggles yes, but I certainly sympathize with your situation. I was a really difficult tween/teen for my mom, and I definitely know that there was something going on with me (depression/anxiety/abuse issues).

I see a lot of valid points in both Nancy's and Nan's posts. Please remember that you are a good mom and you love your daughter and she wants to be good, I assure you she does.

((((HUGS)))) and good luck!
 
Gidget/Lori, I'm not a parent, but is it possible your DD is acting out in the advent of there being a new(er) baby in the house? As a bid for attention given how consuming a new(er) baby can be to parents? The fact that she accidentally kicked your baby in the head, while in his playroom, and then didn't bother to see how he was doing might signify some hostility toward the baby - and toward the baby's parents - or at least emotional disequilibrium, about having to share her parents.

Any thoughts on that?

And btw, I don't agree with the comment that your DH "booting" DD out of the playroom is an "act of disrespect". You and your DH are the parents, and have the right to move a child from one room (or activity) to another.

A-Jock
 
Lorie, I think Nan did miss your comment about it being the baby's playroom, but I think you are misinterpreting her tone. I don't think the "harshness" was directed at you, but at the misbehaving kid in general (not just yours!). I think Nan's point is that tough love works, and I agree. I've seen my brother and SIL use this no nonsense approach, and the results have been great. When I read Nan's post, I didn't think Nan was criticizing you at all, just trying to give you some helpful pointers!
 
BTDT.

My DD is now 18 and still very messy. DS is a little better at 21 and finally picks up after himself more and more lately without me even asking, but believe me, it has been a long road.

When my DS and DD were toward the end of elementary and couldn't get their clothes into the laudry basket they just didn't get washed. They have been "doing" their own laudry ever since. Not a bad idea since I worked full time and their school & homework took less time I spent at work, plus I did the housework too. Fair deal as far as I am concerned.

Their rooms: when we moved into our home shortly after that, I stopped cleaning their rooms. Yes, they were very messy and rarely cleaned, but I made them keep their doors shut and some friends made fun of the state of their rooms. Unfortunately, many also had rooms that looked the same.

My rule for the remainder of the house was that they were not to leave anything around at all so at least the main part of the house was basically picked up.

Dishes: Not allowed to leave the kitchen without taking care of them period ! If I came home and they had left something on the counter, they were immediately called and told to clean up. (Course this was a fun one since they would both deny it was theirs. So, since it was usually soda cans, I threatened to discontinue buying it and eventually they could get them into the recycle).

It is very annoying and trying to both parents, but the lack of respect and attitudes of many of our tweens these days has taken a turn for the worst - a totally different generation that we were.

Patience and consistence is all you have - other than taking things away or not allowing her certain activities. I found that one of mine didn't care about lack of "things" or not being able to "do things" and it was very difficult.

You will make it through though, just bide your time and stick to your guns. And hopefully DH will stand by you and help out.

Best of luck - I think you are on the right track from my experience.
 
Thanks Nancy. No, I don't think she is depressed. Lazy, yes!:) She is a happy child. And when her attitude is crap its b/c she doesn't get her own way or something. Like, shes not angry when she gets up in the morning or anything like that. From what I hear (around here anyway) she is a typical 12 yr old girl and I don't want her to be. Just b/c everyone elses child is acting the same way, doesn't make it o.k for mine.She is also very open with me about what happens in school. Everyday she is very chatty after school and has to fill me in on what happened. I don't think she has signs of depression.Its the days that she has no where to go that she is lazy and dirty looking.
If she were headed for her room everytime she came home then I would be worried. I guess having a brother come into her life after having just us for 11yrs as been hard on her. She does like him but I think things changed for her, it had to. I can't run everytime she wants something and she has learned to wait a few mins.
She claims that she turned around to make sure he was o.k but DH said that it was a glance and then she left the room. She never asked if he were o.k.
The kids she does bring around have o.k attitudes as well but I think there are a few in the bunch that sort of lure their attitudes in certain ways. Or who knows? Prehaps DD is the ring leader.
Thanks again Nancy! I think you always respond to my woes, weather its about shoes or kids and I appricate that!:)

Lori:)
 
A-Jock, I am wondering the same thing. Although everyone ask how is she making out with the new little one, I say fine. Prehaps she has some underlying feelings that she isn't talking about.

Jacque, you also made some good points! I think we are both on the same wave length. Prehaps some of it is my fault b/c I will get really strict for a while regarding clothes and dishes and then sometimes its not worth the fight and I will do it myself. Sometimes its easier to do it yourself than fight.

Lori:)
 
Thanks for your response, Lori! I've VERY glad to hear she's just a normal, obnoxious tween. ;) From what you've said, I agree. And I think you and A-jock are absolutely spot on about the jealousy issue with the baby being an aggravating factor.
 
Lorie, I feel for you. I have a DD 12 and DS 10 and sometimes things are, uh, challenging ;)

I do agree with A-Jock and Jacque both about maybe your DD is acting up a bit due to the new baby.

And I also agree that patience and consistency are probably the best way to go (as well as the hardest!). I've certainly had my struggles with maintaining any one plan of behavior modifications.

I'd also like to agree with Nancy that if you feel worried enough, only you know your kid enough to tell, maybe it would be good to at least consult with a mental health provider.

Good luck!
 
Lori - Sometimes after a hard day at work I would just be too exhausted to even care or wouldn't notice a few things. Course DH always did but then he is a step dad and hadn't been going thru it for soooo mannnyyyyy years.

Sometimes I just wonder if they act that way to get a rise out of us too? At some point they want to start to control their own lives since we have been their "source of control" for so long.

At that point you just start picking your battles and try to guide them in the right direction the best you can. I had some friends with older children who told me things would work out and they have.

And as you mentioned, she is not a "bad person", just lacks some of the personality traits that make people good members of society and able to make it on their own later in life.

I have always counted my blessing that my kids haven't gotten into anything that has been very detrimental to themselves. Yes, they have made mistakes as we all have, but they have learned from some of them too.

Mine are 18, 21 and 22 and they have even started asking for advice this past year or will tell me their plans just to see what I say.

I am enjoying this phase of parenthood so far because it is much less exhausting - but it was a long road getting here and you'll make it too :7
 
Okay, I know I've had more than my share of posts on this thread, but I have just one thing to add: I've said it 100 times before, but parenting is the hardest job in the world. And I remain in awe of anyone who has kids AND a full-time job outside the home.

I remember one time when my eldest niece was little and the family went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant. My niece was being difficult, and my brother said "You're bothering everyone at the table and if you don't stop, you're going home". She didn't stop, so my brother scooped her up, put her in the car, and took her home. He had ordered a fabulous pasta dinner, and he left before it arrived. I thought "Note to self: never have kids, Nancy, because you're not capable of forgoing a fabulous pasta dinner." My eldest niece turned out to be the EASY one. The next two were a handful and a half!! :eek: :eek:

Hats off to parents everywhere!
 
I agree that Nan was directing her comments at your daughter. I've used that phrase myself "There are these things called Books that you guys can read..." when my 2 kids were whining that there was nothing to do. I also think Aqua Jock's question re: the baby was probably on target too. That's a pretty big change for a pre-teen to adapt to.

Jonahnah
Chocolate IS the answer, regardless of the question.
 
Lori, I know you said that your DD is not depressed,but if she is due for a physical that would be a great idea. When my youngest was about 12 (she's 16 now)her doc was so helpful in simply explaining what I cd expect in the next few years. One thing she said was that seemingly "all of a sudden" my DEAR DD ! would become a child I hardly recognized...moody, etc. and sure enough, almost to the day that she turned 12 it happened. She is my third child and you'd think I'd have been prepared...guess I blocked it all out :)

Anyway, all that to say that it is comforting to know that 1. there is nothing wrong with your DD, 2. there is nothing wrong with you, 3. get helpful advice.

We still go head to head often (so much alike:( ) but I try to take deep breaths and remember it will pass! At the same time, you need to continue to be consistent in your parenting, which sounds like you are doing. It's tough and tiring, but one day she will thank you. Or so they say :D
 
To offer my 2 cents as well, I agree with Nan and Nancy regarding how to handle her. She's a typical 12 yr old girl, it sounds like, and IMO, the best way to handle her is with tough love. It's not going to change as she goes through the next few years.

She's at that point here it's her job to test you and prove that she's grown up enough to do what she wants. Except for the fact that she's not.

I hated it at the time, by now realizing how brilliantly it worked...when I was a teen, my mom expected me to keep clothes off my floor. When I didn't, she took the clothes. When I couldn't find them anymore and started asking where my favorite tops and jeans went, she told me that if I didn't care enough to pick them up and put them away, then I clearly didn't care enough to have them. I had to "buy" them back by doing extra things around the house or spending my allowance. Believe me, I got the point after awhile.

I love the dirty dish approach of not washing the dish until she puts it in the dishwasher (or whatever she was supposed to do..)!!!

You just need to remind her that she is not allowed to walk all over you or others in your house.
 
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