pink_fortitude
Banned
Okay, let me tell you how it started:
DS wanted a specific friend (DSF) to stay the night a couple of weeks ago. We told him no, but he could have another one stay the night and we told him which friends could. He really wanted DSF, we kept persisting no. He asked why and we told him (this is where our problem starts) that he could, but not tonight because "there is somewhere we have to be in the morning and we can't rely on his dad to pick him up when he says he is going to because he has never been on time and is habitually hours late in picking DSF up - if his mom was going to be able to pick him up, that's a different story because she will at least try to respect our time frame." I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but I am sure that we have said more especially in exasperation waiting for DSF to be picked up when we have to be somewhere and nobody is at home and we can't drop him off or get a hold of anyone on the cell phone and he doesn't even come to the door to apologize (I am a bit bitter over it and I totally admit it, especially since I would never do that to anyone else) and I am pretty sure that we were calling him things like "inconsiderate" and "arrogant" (which is silly, because I am arrogant - hello kettle!), not jerk or other things because we just don't talk like that. Now, you may be asking yourself "why doesn't she just talk to him about it?" Yeah, that's a good question, especially this morning (you can guess what happened). DH doesn't like DSF's dad so he avoids as much contact as possible w/ him and I didn't say anything because he is emotional and always right and I have seen the way that he deals w/ other conflicts and I didn't want to deal w/ it, which in hindsight is so stupid especially when I am usually very good at telling people how I feel.
Yesterday, DSF was over and as is his custom DSF's dad was 3 hours late in picking his son up, sent one of his other kids to come into the house (yes, come in, not knock which totally p!ssed off DH). After they left DD told me that DS was telling DSF things that we said and didn't - namely that we don't like DSF's dad which we never actually said but I am sure DS can tell because the way we - especially DH acts around him compared to everyone else. He also told him that we would rather deal w/ DSF's mom because DSF's dad (I should mention they are divorced, it could have some bearing here) is always late. I tried to call DSF's mom (because they still live together) to get advice on how to handle this w/ her ex and to give her a head's up as to what she was going home to, but I couldn't get a hold of her.
Guess what DSF did as soon as he got into the car? You already knew that was coming. DSF's dad called IMMEDIATELY when he got home and yelled at me, telling me he has a problem w/ how I am raising my son and that I have no business talking to a 9 year old about adult issues and I needed to act like an adult. "The reason why I couldn't talk to you is because I knew you would act like this, Name" "You don't know the first thing about me, Missy..." yelling continues, I ask "What did DSF say?" He just said a slew of things, and then told me all the ways which I wronged them - which was being an 1 1/2 late to pick my son up one time when they had to be there which I KNOW isn't true because I distinctly remember him calling to see if DS could stay later because they were having such a good time and to let them know when we were ready to pick him up - which automatically got my hackles up because there are many things that actually are wrong w/ me so you really don't need to make things up just to rationalize your own faults... ugh, I am getting upset again. Well, my hackles were up and I am totally ashamed of how I acted but I did tell him the truth, I told him the entire situation and I tried to apologize but he was having none of it. "Kids tell the truth when adults lie and try to make themselves look good" he said, which can be true but why would I tell the truth about some things and lie about others - and he has spent time w/ us and knows how our family is! That REALLY sent me over - everything that he said I tried to defend myself w/ something that he did wrong, it was really ugly. It only lasted for about 5 minutes when I finally told him that I didn't want to talk to him until we were both cooled down and could speak rationally, he kept going so I hung up on him. I felt like I was in high school again! I couldn't believe that I got into an argument like that w/ an adult, I couldn't believe that I was an adult myself in that stupid argument!
DSF's mom finally called me back, I told her I wanted her to hear it first but I guess it's too late now and told her everything that happened. I really like her, and I told her that I really don't want her to be in the middle of this and I just feel so bad and I am so sorry about it. She was fine w/ it all and didn't seem ruffled at all but she didn't have any advice. I have no idea what she went home to, but I felt really bad about it.
DH got home (he was at the grocery this whole time) and I relayed everything to him and he was MAD, but I am so amazed at his self control because he waited 10 minutes (which was an hour after my wonderful conversation) then called to talk to DSF's dad. He told him everything that I should have said - "I am sorry that you heard that this way" "here's what was really said" "Melissa (that's what he calls me) and I always call if we are going to be late so we really expect the same courtesy" "we can change things so they are better in the future" and so on, and in the background I could hear him getting yelled at the same way I was w/ the exact same words. He didn't want to hear anything DH said and wouldn't accept any apology.
I understand that his feelings are hurt, and I feel very badly for that. DH would be devastated if our son came home w/ a similar tale, granted his reaction would be much different from what we dealt w/ last night. I feel horrible that things transpired the way that they did and I do want to make it right, but at the same time I feel like what my husband and I talk about in our house is our business and we have a right to be open to vent to each other: he can't be mad at us for saying he is unreliable and inconsiderate to each other when he is unreliable and inconsiderate. The thing we did horribly wrong is doing this in front of our kids. We apologized to DS for it (he feels like this is all his fault) and told him that as adults we should have taken the high road and not concerned him w/ adult issues (our reason for DSF not coming over).
So, to my question...
I hate not having resolved conflict, and this is totally unresolved so I didn't sleep a wink last night. Can this be resolved? Has anyone gone through something similar? Does anyone have advice? What do you see from what I wrote, what can I do or can I even do anything at all to make amends? What am I doing wrong? I know that my attitude probably stinks sometimes and I am definitely not the most sensitive person, and I really want to make right what I did wrong.
The irony of this whole thing is that as of last week I became convicted and wanted to change my entire attitude of talking about others that I find to be abrasive and irritating because I myself am not perfect and have no right to judge others. I have been praying to be compassionate and understanding and to actually treat others how I want to be treated. This just goes to show you how hurtful gossip can be, even if it is just between you and your spouse.
TIA, and sorry so long!
Missy
DS wanted a specific friend (DSF) to stay the night a couple of weeks ago. We told him no, but he could have another one stay the night and we told him which friends could. He really wanted DSF, we kept persisting no. He asked why and we told him (this is where our problem starts) that he could, but not tonight because "there is somewhere we have to be in the morning and we can't rely on his dad to pick him up when he says he is going to because he has never been on time and is habitually hours late in picking DSF up - if his mom was going to be able to pick him up, that's a different story because she will at least try to respect our time frame." I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but I am sure that we have said more especially in exasperation waiting for DSF to be picked up when we have to be somewhere and nobody is at home and we can't drop him off or get a hold of anyone on the cell phone and he doesn't even come to the door to apologize (I am a bit bitter over it and I totally admit it, especially since I would never do that to anyone else) and I am pretty sure that we were calling him things like "inconsiderate" and "arrogant" (which is silly, because I am arrogant - hello kettle!), not jerk or other things because we just don't talk like that. Now, you may be asking yourself "why doesn't she just talk to him about it?" Yeah, that's a good question, especially this morning (you can guess what happened). DH doesn't like DSF's dad so he avoids as much contact as possible w/ him and I didn't say anything because he is emotional and always right and I have seen the way that he deals w/ other conflicts and I didn't want to deal w/ it, which in hindsight is so stupid especially when I am usually very good at telling people how I feel.
Yesterday, DSF was over and as is his custom DSF's dad was 3 hours late in picking his son up, sent one of his other kids to come into the house (yes, come in, not knock which totally p!ssed off DH). After they left DD told me that DS was telling DSF things that we said and didn't - namely that we don't like DSF's dad which we never actually said but I am sure DS can tell because the way we - especially DH acts around him compared to everyone else. He also told him that we would rather deal w/ DSF's mom because DSF's dad (I should mention they are divorced, it could have some bearing here) is always late. I tried to call DSF's mom (because they still live together) to get advice on how to handle this w/ her ex and to give her a head's up as to what she was going home to, but I couldn't get a hold of her.
Guess what DSF did as soon as he got into the car? You already knew that was coming. DSF's dad called IMMEDIATELY when he got home and yelled at me, telling me he has a problem w/ how I am raising my son and that I have no business talking to a 9 year old about adult issues and I needed to act like an adult. "The reason why I couldn't talk to you is because I knew you would act like this, Name" "You don't know the first thing about me, Missy..." yelling continues, I ask "What did DSF say?" He just said a slew of things, and then told me all the ways which I wronged them - which was being an 1 1/2 late to pick my son up one time when they had to be there which I KNOW isn't true because I distinctly remember him calling to see if DS could stay later because they were having such a good time and to let them know when we were ready to pick him up - which automatically got my hackles up because there are many things that actually are wrong w/ me so you really don't need to make things up just to rationalize your own faults... ugh, I am getting upset again. Well, my hackles were up and I am totally ashamed of how I acted but I did tell him the truth, I told him the entire situation and I tried to apologize but he was having none of it. "Kids tell the truth when adults lie and try to make themselves look good" he said, which can be true but why would I tell the truth about some things and lie about others - and he has spent time w/ us and knows how our family is! That REALLY sent me over - everything that he said I tried to defend myself w/ something that he did wrong, it was really ugly. It only lasted for about 5 minutes when I finally told him that I didn't want to talk to him until we were both cooled down and could speak rationally, he kept going so I hung up on him. I felt like I was in high school again! I couldn't believe that I got into an argument like that w/ an adult, I couldn't believe that I was an adult myself in that stupid argument!
DSF's mom finally called me back, I told her I wanted her to hear it first but I guess it's too late now and told her everything that happened. I really like her, and I told her that I really don't want her to be in the middle of this and I just feel so bad and I am so sorry about it. She was fine w/ it all and didn't seem ruffled at all but she didn't have any advice. I have no idea what she went home to, but I felt really bad about it.
DH got home (he was at the grocery this whole time) and I relayed everything to him and he was MAD, but I am so amazed at his self control because he waited 10 minutes (which was an hour after my wonderful conversation) then called to talk to DSF's dad. He told him everything that I should have said - "I am sorry that you heard that this way" "here's what was really said" "Melissa (that's what he calls me) and I always call if we are going to be late so we really expect the same courtesy" "we can change things so they are better in the future" and so on, and in the background I could hear him getting yelled at the same way I was w/ the exact same words. He didn't want to hear anything DH said and wouldn't accept any apology.
I understand that his feelings are hurt, and I feel very badly for that. DH would be devastated if our son came home w/ a similar tale, granted his reaction would be much different from what we dealt w/ last night. I feel horrible that things transpired the way that they did and I do want to make it right, but at the same time I feel like what my husband and I talk about in our house is our business and we have a right to be open to vent to each other: he can't be mad at us for saying he is unreliable and inconsiderate to each other when he is unreliable and inconsiderate. The thing we did horribly wrong is doing this in front of our kids. We apologized to DS for it (he feels like this is all his fault) and told him that as adults we should have taken the high road and not concerned him w/ adult issues (our reason for DSF not coming over).
So, to my question...
I hate not having resolved conflict, and this is totally unresolved so I didn't sleep a wink last night. Can this be resolved? Has anyone gone through something similar? Does anyone have advice? What do you see from what I wrote, what can I do or can I even do anything at all to make amends? What am I doing wrong? I know that my attitude probably stinks sometimes and I am definitely not the most sensitive person, and I really want to make right what I did wrong.
The irony of this whole thing is that as of last week I became convicted and wanted to change my entire attitude of talking about others that I find to be abrasive and irritating because I myself am not perfect and have no right to judge others. I have been praying to be compassionate and understanding and to actually treat others how I want to be treated. This just goes to show you how hurtful gossip can be, even if it is just between you and your spouse.
TIA, and sorry so long!
Missy
Kids distort things, they are not mature enough to understand the "whole story" remember the movie "Atonement?"
