SAHM need reassurance

Well, I have to say, I know no one here intentionally means to be hurtful and we're all just expresing opinions, but some of what's been said here is exactly the reason I generally avoid getting involved in this topic.

Here is my .02. Some people are good parents. Some people are lousy parents. Some good parents work outside the home, others don't. Some lousy parents work outside the home, others don't. It's very easy to get judgmental on this topic.

Anyway, Lorrie, I wish you luck. I agree that the grass is always a little greener no matter what choice you make. I do think the key is finding the balance that works for you and for your family, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. I know I am better for my kids when I am happy with myself, too. Only you know what makes you happy.

Good luck!
Marie
 
>Here is my .02. Some people are good parents. Some people are
>lousy parents. Some good parents work outside the home, others
>don't. Some lousy parents work outside the home, others don't.
>It's very easy to get judgmental on this topic.
>


I think I said that! People are really touchy and I don't understand why, in a thread where opinions are solicited, do so many people get their undies in a bunch when opinions are offered. I stated that this was my DH's professional OPINION and was not intended as a judgement or an indictment of ANYONE--it's merely an opinion. It's his opinion as a pediatrician with a kazillion years experience, taking care of kids from every socioeconomic background. And I believe I specified that the kids who fair best are those that have nurturing, attentive parents and that SAHP are not always attentive and nurturing.

:)
 
Micheleemoomoo it's fine. I tend to wonder the same thing when people open themselves up for a deeper discussion why all sorts of opinions can't be accepted. Only thing I think is important is trying to be respectful of the other posters, which I think everyone is doing well :)


“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” --Ellen Degeneres
 
Honestly, this is a very touchy subject, particularly as it goes to a mother's heart and soul. I think it's important to recognize that when a strong opinion is proferred one way or the other, it automatically casts judgment on people who made the opposite choice, whether that was the intention or not. I've been inside that debate and have absolutely no desire to go there again (ever, it gets really ugly). Like I said, I don't think anyone means to be hurtful but I do think it's a very sensitive topic and easy to be misconstrued.

I'd rather talk about PowerMax! I love PowerMax. I just finished doing it for the first time in a while and I have to say, it is my all-time favorite step workout! :)

Marie
 
Just wanted to remind everyone that Andrea Yates was a SAHM. I believe generalizations, especially in the case of parenting, can really strike a nerve.

Part time work outside the home seems to be the best case scenario. You can try it and see if it works for you.
 
>Just wanted to remind everyone that Andrea Yates was a SAHM.
>I believe generalizations, especially in the case of
>parenting, can really strike a nerve.
>
>Part time work outside the home seems to be the best case
>scenario. You can try it and see if it works for you.

Huh? Quite an extreme example there. I didn't think anyone was immortalizing SAHMs or vice versa. I seem to think that everyone in this discussion was being supportive of whatever decision she felt was best for her and her family.


“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” --Ellen Degeneres
 
>Honestly, this is a very touchy subject, particularly as it
>goes to a mother's heart and soul. I think it's important to
>recognize that when a strong opinion is proferred one way or
>the other, it automatically casts judgment on people who made
>the opposite choice, whether that was the intention or not.
>I've been inside that debate and have absolutely no desire to
>go there again (ever, it gets really ugly). Like I said, I
>don't think anyone means to be hurtful but I do think it's a
>very sensitive topic and easy to be misconstrued.
>
>I'd rather talk about PowerMax! I love PowerMax. I just
>finished doing it for the first time in a while and I have to
>say, it is my all-time favorite step workout! :)
>
>Marie

Honestly, I didn't think I gasve a strong opinion, just more of an observance, really. I'm just mystified as to why, if people are secure in their choices, do they need to lash out at those who believe another path is better for them? I mean really--I never once said that a mother shouldn't work. You will not find a comment like that anywhere in my post.

Now, as far as workouts are concerned, I'm into a thing called Squirmercise. Robin made it up but Shannon gave it a name.:7 :7 :7

Here's an advanced position:

http://www.limbermen.com/gk/cb_1.JPG
 
To me the best of both world's would be to be a SAHM with a part-time job to keep in touch with the "grown-up" world.

That's not the purpose of my post, however. Coming from the voice of experience, I would encourage any of you who say you have no job skills to get some as soon as you are able - whether it be when your kids start school, or when they graduate. I can't tell you how important it is that you be equipped to support yourself, because even if you are in a stable marriage, you never know when your situation will change and your would be thrust into the position of primary bread winner.

My sister is 58 now and has no job skills. She had a beautician's license at one time and let it lapse, so she is now trying to support herself as a waitress, because her husband divorced her after they were married over 30 years. She doesn't even know how to turn on a computer. I have done many dumb things in my life like marry two alcoholics, but I DID go back and get a degree when I was in my mid-40's because I knew I'd have to be able to support myself.

Just a suggestion for what it's worth.

"You can't win them all - but you can try." - Babe Zaharias http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/musik/music-smiley-004.gif[/img]
 
I am continually in awe of SAHMs. Children are the most important thing in the word, and those moms who can stay with their kids are amazing displays of patience and strength. I believe that staying at home with your kids is geat for the kids, but I also know for a fact that I'm a better mother because I work. I would have completely lost it if I had stayed at home. I wouldn't appreciate the time I have with DD as much and I would lose my patience much more quickly.

So my take on this is do what's right for you and your mental health. If you can work PT, that might be just the fix you need to get through the next few years until your youngest is in school all day. If it's not enough, go back fulltime. If you know that this feeling is temporary and you'll get over it once you establish a new schedule with just littlest DS at home, then hang in there and stay home. But you need to do what makes you a happy, sane mom. That's the only way you can do justice to your kids.


"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." Satchel Paige
 
Whoooooooaaaaaa!

Michele, I TOTALLY apologize if you read my reply as being critical, or overly emotional, or anything of the sort! That was not at ALL my intention!!!!!!!

I didn't take offense at yours in the LEAST, just felt that the "paid employee" comment was over the top, given that I actually am quite familiar with this situation! That's all!!!

I don't read any cast judgement into these types of discussions, as I am 100% happy with my situation and don't honestly give a rip what other people think. So, all of the speculation here is TOTALLY off base, and if my post prompted it, then I'm TRULY sorry because that is NOT at all what I intended! I think people are reading WAY more into my post than what was actually there. I certainly wasn't lashing out, or thought you were casting any judgement on working mothers, that's for certain.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!!!!!
 
>Whoooooooaaaaaa!
>
>Michele, I TOTALLY apologize if you read my reply as being
>critical, or overly emotional, or anything of the sort! That
>was not at ALL my intention!!!!!!!
>
>I didn't take offense at yours in the LEAST, just felt that
>the "paid employee" comment was over the top, given that I
>actually am quite familiar with this situation! That's all!!!
>
>
>I don't read any cast judgement into these types of
>discussions, as I am 100% happy with my situation and don't
>honestly give a rip what other people think. So, all of the
>speculation here is TOTALLY off base, and if my post prompted
>it, then I'm TRULY sorry because that is NOT at all what I
>intended! I think people are reading WAY more into my post
>than what was actually there. I certainly wasn't lashing out,
>or thought you were casting any judgement on working mothers,
>that's for certain.
>
>Sorry, sorry, sorry!!!!!
>
>


Your apology is accepted and I offer a sincere one of my own. Sometimes I think it's easy to misinterpret the true meaning of a post. A lot can be lost in the translation. ;)
 
This is the post I agree with. The best advice I ever received on this issue was from my best girlfriend who said: "you will be a better mother to the extent that you are happy and fulfilled person." If going back to work full or part time is what you really want and need now, then you will be a happier person and therefore a better mother for doing so. Staying at home out of guilt and because you fear short changing the little one is ridiculous. You are not here to succumb to societal pressures telling you a child needs a mother to sacrifice her happiness for its benefit. Do what you need to be fulfilled right now. It is not selfish, because if you fo not trake care of yourself in every way, not just physically but emotionally and psychically, then yes, you will be short changing all your kids. What upsets kids the most and worries them is seeing their parents unhappy. That, upsets their world more than a SAHM who feels the pull back to work.

Clare
 
Double post for some reason, sorry!!

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I'm curious about the notion that a personally fulfilled mom = the kids are happier. Kids are "id" by defintion and tend to care mostly about their own wants. It seems to me that mom's fulfillment doesn't always mean kids' happiness. If a mom is unhappy being a SAHM, but she sees that her kids do better with her (or dad?) around more, is there a responsibility to say "this is best for my kids, so I need to make it work, for the time being." Maybe, maybe not. I think it was on Dr. Phil recently where he quoted a study that found that most kids would rather have mom unhappy, in the next room, then mom gone ten hours a day, happy. As someone who does not have kids I don't really have a dog in this fight (read: discussion!) and am not casting judgment AT ALL, each to her own, just adding a comment to the discussion. I'm not flaming anyone, so please do not throw any fire my way, thanks.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
Lorrie, I have NO IDEA what to tell you. I'm married and in law school now, and I absolutely dread what you are going through.

I haven't read any of the other posts from current moms. The only thing I might be able to add is from a kid's perspective, because my mom never worked and I have spent almost 29 years thinking about it.

I think a very important way for a mother to be a great mother is to remain a woman, separate from her kids. I know my mom never had an identity outside of her kids, and my sister and I still struggle with the ramifications at ages 29 and 33. My mom still remains *very* involved in our lives, in a way we resist. She is bored a lot, and her life seems rather shallow since she doesn't have much of an identity outside of motherhood.

Of course, I did benefit as a kid because my mom was always around... to read, to supervise, whatever.

It sounds like you are planning to return to an office at some point, and it is just a question of when. I support that, since it sounds like you won't face the issues my mom has faced; please let us know how you're doing!!
 
I read this entire thread and can see everyone's point of view.

What a hard topic!

I work because I have to -- I can't afford to stay home, my SO just doesn't make enough $ for me to stay home now. He is going to school this fall, so that may change in the years to come.

It kills me to leave my little girl each day. I would love to be there to help her grow and develop. Right now I feel like the babysitter is seeing more of this than I am.

Whatever time you spend home with your kids -- whether it's a year, two years or 16 years -- cherish every moment. It goes by so quickly. The children will look back fondly on this. They will remember when you were there for them. :)
 
And I should have put a smiley or twelve in my reply as well, to indicate that I wasn't at ALL upset or annoyed, or any some such thing. It is funny just communicating by writing - we have our intentions in our head, and just assume that's how it will be read, and oftentimes this isn't the case.

Anyway. All better. :)

m.
 
Thank you all so much for your wonderful insight and advice. I love this forum. I was at a continuing legal education seminar all day in the field that I love - zoning and land use. Great to get into those complicated and fascinating issues - loved it. Then I came home (DH was in charge of the kids today.) And it ALL CAME RUSHING BACK!!! It's the RUSHING. Hurry to get home, hurry to get the kids together, hurry to get dinner made - etc. That is one thing that I didn't miss whatsoever from working - always rushing. And when I stepped in the door there was that feeling again - oh how I hate it.

It all comes down to how a friend summed it up for me. She said - "when I'm with a client figuring our how to get the best use of his property to help the most people, I don't ever want to be anywhere else. But when I'm with my kids watching them learn how to think and teaching them how to help people, I don't ever want to be anywhere else." Ugh! You all are right - I gotta' figure out how to work this out - I just wish I didn't love both vocations so much. How lucky am I to even have that dilemma? Pretty damn lucky I know. Now if I could just figure it all out. Thank you again.

Lorrie

Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top