SAHM need reassurance

L Sass

L Sass

Cathlete
Hi all. This is the time of year that I struggle so much and I need your input on whether I'm doing the right thing. I'm a lawyer turned SAHM - 3 kids: 8, 5 and 2 - I do part time legal work from home. Now the 5 y.o. will join the ranks of students and it'll just be me and 2-y.o. DS at home. When the kids start going back all of my professional mom friends breathe a collective sigh of relief as it's now so much easier to work without those summer kid care plans. Now is when I start to miss the office and dealing with legal issues that challenge the mind and work toward resolution of people's problems - and get paid for it.

I know a huge chunk of take home pay would go to daycare or a nanny if I went back right now, but I would feel like I'm contributing toward home maintenance. But with only one kid left at home - I really feel pulled to go back. The SAHM part of me says my DS deserves mommy time as much as the others got - and it's better for him. But then I always hear that little full time office bug calling again. The plan right now is to stay home - that's the right thing - right? UGH!

Lorrie


Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
Candace Grasso, CC-V-6
 
Hi Lorrie.

I too am a SAHM so I can totally relate to what you are saying.

The decision to stay home or go to work is a very personal one. I think that a mom who decides to stay home with thier baby for any length of time is doing thier baby good. I don't believe that you HAVE to stay home with them up until they begin full time school in order for them (and you) to reap the benefits.

If you really want to get back to work, I say go for it. Don't feel that you are being unfair to your son. He has benefited from 2 years at home with mom. I am sure he is a wonderful, well-adjusted, loving child and this will not change just because you decide to go back to work.

I know I personally have been thinking of getting back into the work force f/t when my son is about 2 years old as well. I love staying home with him but there is definately something to be said for being in the "away from home" work-force as well. I also think that my son will LOVE daycare. I think he'll have tons of fun and will benefit from the experience. :)

I admit that letting go will be TOUGH though...that is what I am struggling with...
 
I've always worked part time and have found that a nice mix of time home with the kids and career time. The kids enjoy daycare much more when they are there only a two or three days a week. Is part time an option? Kim
 
I only wish i could have stayed at home. I have always worked. I have a dh that doesn't give me money for nothing. If i want anything i have to work, car, clothes etc.I would have been sewing my underwear..
So, if you can financially stay home and enjoy your son , do it.
Maybe you can go back like 3 days a week or 2. A little interaction at daycare may be good for him, but he does have siblings.

Don't feel guilty if you go back if you feel you really need to. Many people work and their kids are just fine , and they know mommy loves them.
Have you noticed if other kids are around, you are not important.
Good luck in whatever you do.
Anne

http://www.picturetrail.com/acatalina
 
I did the SAHM, part-time work at home for 16 years, and sometimes it was hard and lonely and felt like I was giving things up. But truly it was really, really worth it. The last child kind of feels left out of things, and having that time with you is going to be precious. In 3 years he will be in school, and 3 years is very short in the scheme of things.

I went back to the office part time when my youngest was 4th grade, and full-time when she was 6th grade. Today I am carting my oldest off to college and the baby will be in 8th grade and I am full time, really have not lost a step, have the respect of my co-workers. In hind-sight, I would do nothing different.

Of course, you have to do what is right for you, and it is very individual, but really, I found sliding back into the work force not that hard, even after the long time at home. Honestly, I miss the peace of a home office, and dislike office politics a lot!
 
Lorrie, of course this is a personal decision, but if you really think you're ready to return to the workforce, have you considered perhaps only part-time work or locating a company that promotes flexibility and life/work balance? I'm not sure what kind of law you practice and/or if that's possible, but positions that don't require 40+ hours in the office are getting more common. I didn't want to walk away from my career after DS #2 was born (too many years in plus I have always been by far the primary breadwinner) so I switched to a company that allows me to work remotely several days a week (sometimes all week). I do have to travel more than previously, but it works for us as I spend most of the week in the house and available for my kids in a way I couldn't be in the office.

Just my 02. I'm sure you'll do what's right for your family.

Good luck,
Marie
 
I've been a SAHM now for almost 16 years and have definitely felt the urge to get back to working (my youngest just turned 4 years old). I do think that, if possible, part-time work gives you the best of both worlds.

However, I've found that my kids need me even more as they get into school full-time. Our elementary school requests a lot of parent participation in the classroom and my kids really loved having me there in the earlier grades for field trips, class parties, and just times that I was there to volunteer to help out the teacher with classroom activities. Once the kids get into middle school/high school, they are home early - around 3pm here - and I like being home when they get home. Plus, I'm always driving them around to activities and appts. My dd's preschool also requests a lot of parent participation and my dd is so happy to have me involved.

Good luck with your decision - it's definitely a difficult one, but your kids will be fine with whatever you choose.

Erica
 
Wow- our kids are really close in ages!! Mine are 7, 5, & 3. My 2 older dds will be in school full time starting Monday & my 3yo will be going to preschool after Labor day for 2 mornings a week. I've been a SAHM since my 7yo was born & my plan was always to be at home til our youngest is at least in full time school. Now I'm trying to decide whether to start taking some classes (I don't have a college degree) or what to do when I *grow up*. At least you have a career to fall back on! I agree w/ the other posters- can you do something part time?? Fill ins or help out other lawyers??

Daycare is very expensive & I've always said I could never make enough to pay for 3 kids in daycare! Weigh the pros & cons & then make your decision. Is your dh supprotive either way? My dh has always been supportive & his money is *our* money. I've done some babysitting on & off but just can't handle doing it full time.

I'm just looking forward to being able to exercise WHEN I want to while the kids are in school!!! :p

Good luck w/ your decisions!

Hugs,
 
I'd give anything to be able to stay at home. My career is rewarding, but nothing compared to motherhood.
 
I don't have any children of my own, but I always thought that the best gift I could give them (when and if I ever have any) was to be a SAHM when they were young. I am the only income for DH and I (he was recently disabled), so that's out for now.

Is there anyway you could go back part-time, 2-3 days per week? I think that there is another poster on the board that was a lawyer who retired early, but got the bug again and only went back 25-30 hrs per week.

I know that whatever decision you make it will be the best one for your son, you, and your family.:)
 
> The plan right now is to
>stay home - that's the right thing - right? UGH!
>
>Lorrie
>
>
>Pain is temporary - quitting lasts forever
>Candace Grasso, CC-V-6

The right thing is different for everyone. What makes you a happier person-doing more with a career or staying home? The happier you are as a person the better it is for your kids and spouse. Don't feel guilty about wanting to go back to work if it's what you want.

Personally, I work 24hours every 2 weeks and feel that works well for us. I don't miss out on the kids development but I also can keep up my skills and changing technology in the health care field.(I'm a nurse by the way)

Cathy
 
Only you can decide what's best for you. I am a SAHM and have been for a long time. I don't have a profession to go back to like you do, so the pull is not that strong, lol! You did say you were working part time at home, so that will help keep your skills up and it probably will not be hard to get back into the groove when the time is right.

Personally, I am glad I stayed home with the kids, although there have been times (many!) when I really missed being a "grown-up" woman in the office (in nice dress clothes!) Now you get to enjoy the 2 y/o without the others around to start a fuss! I don't know how old you are, but believe me they really are little only for a very short time. All of a sudden one day they are off with their friends, etc and you are standing there trying to remember the last time someone climbed in your lap, or wanted to snuggle in bed with you, or begged you to read a story. So, my take is enjoy this time with the kids! I'm sure you have plenty of years yet to work! It might help to get a book supporting your SAHM decision. Sometimes, when I feel like the only one at home, some reading material validates my decision. Marnie
 
Sorry, did not have a chance to read the above responses (have to tend to the little ones). I am a SAHM and here are my thoughts...

It's an impossible decision, no question, and you know that. You're kids need and deserve the best mom in the world. Some moms are better if they are hands on 100% and others are better moms if they are able to get out, work and make a pay check. All that matters is that the time you do spend with them is high quality...so what will make YOU better? A better you makes a better mommy!

Not sure? It doesn't sound like there isn't anything you cannot "un do". If you go back to the office and set up daycare...test it out until Christmas and see how it works for you and your family. If it doesn't work, then you know! If it does, GREAT!

Good Luck with whatever you decide! I know it is so hard, regardless of the decision. Just try to figure out which will make you a better YOU! That is what your kids deserve!
 
I don't have children and probably don't have any business posting in your thread but what the heck--lol! My DH is a pediatrician and his experience helped to form his opinion that it's best to stay home if it's at all possible. Please, no flaming as this is not a personal judgement or indictment of women who choose or need to work. DH says there is a higher incidence of severe behavioral problems in kids that do not receive adequate attention and nurturing from their parent/s. This can be true even in homes with a SAHP if that parent is just out socializing (like in my neighborhood) rather than really spending the time with their kids.

I agree with the poster who said to try it out and see what happens. See if you can find a part-time position or a job share situation. (My DH has 2 nurses that share a full time position and it works out realy well for them but I'm not sure how that would work for an attorney). I wouldn't hire a nanny unless you had several well placed hidden cameras all over your house. I've heard way too many horror stories.

Don't EVER underestimate the value of staying home to parent your children. NOBODY will love them like you do. Nobody will care about them like you do. Anybody you hire to take care of your kids is just that--a paid employee. They are there for the paycheck, not because they adore your child;)

ETA that I think you are probably a GREAT SAHM. You're intelligent and articulate and a fantastic role model for your kids. What a gift to your kids!!
 
Michele, nicely put. :)

I too am an interloper as I have no kids, but I have always admired moms who chose to stay home, especially when they have fulfilling careers beforehand. I think society sees it as "giving up" the good stuff "just" to be a SAHM. All I can add is that my sister is a SAHM (she does sporadic temp work here and there) and her kids are just thriving. I do attribute it to the amount of time she is able to give them. JMO.

Sparrow

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow - what a ride!’ — Peter Sage
 
I have four children. My two older ones are 26 and 24, the two younger ones are 14 and 4. I was not a SAHM until I was pregnant with my 4 year old but if I could go back and do it all over again I would NOT work full time, contracting out the care of my children. I was not able to have a clear picture of the stresses and strains put on my children and the family in general when I was working full time until I was no longer working. The workforce is still going to be there when your children are older. Sometimes I think the importance of being available to your children 24 hours a day is terribly underestimated.
 
That was a tad harsh. Yes, I'm 100% certain that our nanny of now 6 years would leave if we stopped paying her, because, well, she needs an income! But there is NO doubt that she loves the children. NO doubt. She is NOT just there for an easy buck - in fact, I'm sure she could make more money in a different position. But she loves taking care of kids, and she LOVES my kids, and they love her right back. It actually made my stomach turn to read your interpretation of her as "a paid employee." Yeah, we pay her, but she's a part of our family, not just a drain on our income.

To the OP, as everyone else has already stated, it's a hard decision. You need to do what you need to do, personally. None of us here can tell you what's best for you - you've got to figure that one out, and try not to feel guilty about the decision, whatever it may be. And in the end, I don't know if anyone ever truly feels like they are 100% thrilled with their choice. My SAHM friends are incredibly envious of my working life, and I have some envy of theirs. The grass is always greener, apparently. :)

m.
 
As everyone has kind of stated, it is not an easy decision, but it is certainly a personal decision, and I commend doing whatever is best for you and your family. You need not feel guilty if you're trying to find the best solution for everyone. You already have been with your youngest two years and that is great in itself. I don't think going back to work at this time would disrupt or harm his development in anyway. Heck, I don't think working after your child is born harms the development either, as that was my situation when I was growing up. It's really a to each his own situation. I think if a child is brought up in love and nurturing support, he/she will be fine. I decided to stay home with my son (now 2 yrs 4 months) b/c I just really wanted to be there for him. My mom wasn't able (though I know she loved me dearly) to and I think it is nice if you can spend some extra time. I will eventually go back to work when Aiden is older but probably only part-time as I want to be involved in his academic/extracurricular life. Good luck!



“In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.” --Ellen Degeneres
 
>That was a tad harsh. Yes, I'm 100% certain that our nanny of
>now 6 years would leave if we stopped paying her, because,
>well, she needs an income! But there is NO doubt that she
>loves the children. NO doubt. She is NOT just there for an
>easy buck - in fact, I'm sure she could make more money in a
>different position. But she loves taking care of kids, and she
>LOVES my kids, and they love her right back. It actually made
>my stomach turn to read your interpretation of her as "a paid
>employee." Yeah, we pay her, but she's a part of our family,
>not just a drain on our income.
>
>To the OP, as everyone else has already stated, it's a hard
>decision. You need to do what you need to do, personally. None
>of us here can tell you what's best for you - you've got to
>figure that one out, and try not to feel guilty about the
>decision, whatever it may be. And in the end, I don't know if
>anyone ever truly feels like they are 100% thrilled with their
>choice. My SAHM friends are incredibly envious of my working
>life, and I have some envy of theirs. The grass is always
>greener, apparently. :)
>
>m.


I think you read more into my post than was written or intended.
 
I am a SAHM. I love being here for my boys and really enjoy them. As everyone else has said, it is a decision only you can make, but don't feel guilty at all! Trying part time is a good Idea to help with your decision.
I know for me, I worked when Chase was a baby. I cried when my boss called to tell me I got the job. After Connor was born, I just decided that I could NOT leave the kids anymore. Besides, daycare was just to much money.
Now, I must admit that financially, this is HARD! I don't want to leave my boys, but I wish I could find a way to make money for the family also. Childcare costs are just outregeous for me with 2 kids, so what's the sense of working just to pay daycare? Plus, Chase starts pre-school next month and I need to be here for transportation for him too.
Sorry to ramble on, but you need to do what makes you happy. Your little one is already 2, so don't feel bad about what you decide. Besides, when mom is happy, everyone is happy right? :)


Maeghan AKA megadoo

New pics added in July 25 2006 and Fitness album!!!!

http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/bar072/slider-but3/lb/203/145/152/.png[/img] [/url]

http://www.picturetrail.com/megadoo2
 
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