Non fitness advice, please!!!

W

wendyjpa

Cathlete
I need the advice of you wonderful people. This is non fitness related, but i have loyally read all the posts asking for advice here for years, and really respect everyone here.
This involves my husbands brother and his wife. They live about 3 hours from us and have four kids. We have two kids. My neices and nephews range in ages from 13 to 2 and ours are 9 and 11.

Every year at christmas, we are unable to get together, so when my MIL goes to visit them at christmas, i send the gifts down for their 4 kids and also on for the youngest who is a december baby. Every year she sends hers later and later. I also have a december child who thinks they don't even know his birthday, because she "clumps" his birthday present in with the christmas gifts. The past two years, my kids have only asked for money. Last year, i UPS'd the gifts at christmas, because i wanted to be sure they had them in time. My kids got theirs in FEBRUARY because they came here for a family funeral. (yes including my son's b-day money from early december). This year, i sent everything down with my MIL on December 28. I have yet to receive anything for my children,nor a response to what we sent. She thinks nothing of the gifts coming months later.

I hate to be petty and materialistic here, but i send faithfully gifts for 4 kids every year. She thinks nothing of waiting until February to send anything and i feel that what my kids had on their list $$$$ takes but a 37 cent stamp.


If you were me would you confront her and ask if she wants to stop the gift giving altogether?? It would break my heart, cause i love my neices and nephews, they are the only ones i have (and ours are her only ones). But, i just think it's not fair to my kids.

Or would you just stop sending gifts without saying anything? Her one daughter has a b-day in march and i always send $$.
My DH thinks we should just continue doing what we are doing because it is about the kids, but i don't know.

Thanks for you advice!! I've been losing sleep over this little issue.
 
That's a tough one. I don't even know what I would do to be honest with you.

I can see your DH's point...it IS about the kids and they are obviously not at fault here BUT when you feel like you are always the one putting out the effort only to get very little in return, I can understand why you'd want to call it quits.

I'm thinking you should give her a call and suggest to her that the gift giving cease-like you had mentioned...make up any excuse for it that you want....to me, that would be the easiest way to solve the problem.

~Wendy~

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I have the same situation w/ my older sister and I tell myself it's for the kids. However I go to her house and give them the gifts b/c it's only 60 miles round trip. She will "forget" my DD's bday, then tell me she's going to save the gift and "recycle" it for the holidays. :( However, I do care for my niece and nephew so I just keep giving them gifts. It's not their fault she's that way. (BTW, she is very well off.) HTH /karen
 
i would ask if she wants to continue exchanging gifts and ask why she doesn't have enough compassion or respect for your kids to send their presents in a timely fashion. she is being very inconsiderate of your kids and that needs to be addressed. Is she on valium? is she ultra busy? are they strapped for money ? or is she just inconsiderate?

jes
 
Jes, believe it or not, she is a SAHM. They are medium income, but they ARE putting in an inground pool this summer which is not inexpensive. I honestly think, she just has no manners or gift giving "etiquette" if that word is appropriate here. she in inconsiderate, and you hit the nail on the head there.

I value all of you people's input and thank you for taking the time to help me out here.
 
Some people are just not good at these things. Like me for example. I'm horrible at remembering other people's birthdays. I remember my sister's and father's, but always forget my step-parents. (OH! I just remembered that my stepdad's is coming up!)

Now, Christmas is kind of a "no excuse" zone because there's no way you can forget Christmas is coming. Maybe she's just a horrible procrastinator (me too).

Now, I'm kind of guilty of doing this to my nephew once. The first year I had my daughter, I totally forgot to send my nephew a birthday gift. I was so paying attention to my daughter hitting her 5 month birthday (I know...big whoop), and that fell on his REAL birthday, that I forgot to send him anything. My sister emailed me and asked if I had sent a card and if I didn't, if I would email him a card. I felt awful and apologized profusely. Then emailed him a card and made sure I got his gift out the next day.

The following year I totally forgot my father's birthday. My brain just doesn't work that way. I need to put reminder pop-ups on my email calendar just to remind me to look at my daily planner. "8:00 a.m. - Look at your calendar!"

She probably just doesn't realize that she's being inconsiderate. I'll bet if you just brought it up in a non-accusatory way, she'd appreciate your honesty. Maybe you could say something like, "SIL, thank you so much for the wonderful gifts that you gave the children. They enjoyed them very much. You know, it really kind of confuses them that they get them so late..." and you know where I'm going with this. These kind of conversations usually go better than you think they will. Especially if you genuinely like each other.

Good luck!
 
Oh boy can I relate to this! You've described our situation pretty closely; isn't it amazing how much people have in common? In our situation, the BIL and wife have 3 children, with #4 due this March. We have one child, with #2 due early this fall. 2 of the BIL's children, non-twins, share the same birthday: Dec 13. So every fall I need to buy presents for all three kids (four next year), and b-day presents for two of them. And then throw a little something in for the parents. Because their b-days are so early, I have to have all this bought, wrapped, packaged and mailed by the end of the first week of December. Buying all of these gifts, and then mailing the packages gets to be quite expensive. The rest of the Xmas shopping gets neglected until mid-December as a result, and since we have to mail everything to everyone, we barely get our stuff to them by the 25th. It drives me nuts. Anyway, we do make the effort, because I think it is important to have things to the kids as close to their b-days as possible.

On the other hand, gifts coming in the other direction are rarely on time, although rarely as late as you experience. And in the past year, they haven't even matched the cost of the postage we spend on mailing their packages. I typically buy the kids each one or two toys, and a nice shirt or dress. Multiply that by 5 (for the b-days and Xmas), and it adds up. This year they sent us an online gift certificate to a bookstore, worth $50. That was for the entire family to share. My point is not to complain that we aren't getting a "fair" exchange, because I am sympathetic to the fact that they do not have very much expendible income. But I find myself feeling resentful of the time, effort (and yes, money) that I spend on their family, for which we never get a phone call saying "Thank you", and receive gifts that appear to be last-minute and unpersonal. I do agree with your husband that it's about the kids; but it's also about my kid, too, and she's getting cheated by her aunt & uncle, IMO. They do not appear to consider her birthday (in July) a priority to even phone her or have her present here on time; and I've just told you about Christmas. I can't say my 4 1/2 year old was terribly excited about getting an email for Christmas.

I've decided that I don't want to cheat the kids, but that my days of "spoiling" them are over. From now on I will be sending each kid one toy, around a $10-20 value, at Christmas and on their birthday. I will also remain prompt in mailing them. This way, I won't feel like I'm being exploited by this family (it's not like the kids ever ask for anything; it has always been my decision to send them what I have sent). My daughter may not have the best aunt/uncle, but that doesn't mean my own nephews and nieces should feel the consequences of that.

So, are there any adjustments you could make that might make you feel better? Instead of completely stopping the gift-exchange, is there a way you could modify things so you don't feel so taken advantage of, but can also continue to be the thoughtful aunt/uncle to these kids? I grew up having 19 pairs of aunt/uncles (v. large family), and not one of them ever took a special interest in my b-day, or in my life in general. I don't really blame them, because there were so many cousins that most of us just got lost in the shuffle. However, I want my nieces and nephews to have the close aunt/uncle relationship that I never had, so I'll continue to make efforts to do things like this for them. Eventually it won't be about the relationship between us parents, but down the road when all the kids are grown up, I want my neices and nephews to want to be part of our life, so I know that right now is the time to make sure they are aware of us. It's really hard to do when you only see them once every 3 or 4 years.

Geez, can I ramble. Good luck on your dilemma; I hope I've said something to help. Writing this all out has helped me clarify my own thinking on the matter, so thanks!

Sandra
 
I agree with Donna. Bring it up first by saying how much the kids appreciate the gifts. Then nicely remind her that they are children and get really excited about their birthdays and how they don't understand the gifts coming so late. I would probably continue to send my gifts to her children....as it is not their fault.

best of luck to you
 
I think this is TOTALY rude behaviour on her part.

I agree with the others NOT to stop sending the children presents, because it isnt their fault their mother is so thaughtless, and if you DO stop, the children may question why, and god knows what your SIL will tell them. That Aunt Wendy doesnt want to anymore! That would sound hurtful.

If you are sending your gifts with your MIL when she goes to visit, can she not bring back their gifts? If you can get your MIL to act as a "gift reminder" while she is there, maybe this will make your SIL put her A into G. Maybe even get your MIL to descreetly mention to your SIL that her grandchildren would love their gifts on time, and could she help in anyway to make that happen.

Marion

:)

P.S. Ive been there, done that and bought the T-shirt.
Im so glad my children and neices and nephews are now too old for the present exchange.............it can sure cause alot of problems
 
I kind of go through the same thing, every year I send presents to my three brothers and my parents, and not expecting a thing back because I know in my heart that they aren't going to and I feel good about myself because I know I am trying to keep the ties open with my family. My parents after recieving my gifts will then send one two weeks later, even after telling me they can't afford to send anything and I tell them that is ok, we don't need anything and I ment what I said too, so I know those gifts are guilt gifts, I rather have no gifts than guilt gifts. I know it is frustrating becuase I have been there, I have tried to build a wall so it doesn't hurt, also my parents don't even know my kids birthday's at all and NEVER send any cards to them. Hang in there wish I had some good advice.
 
If you are sending your gifts with your MIL when she goes to
>visit, can she not bring back their gifts?


Marion, I have thought this one over and over too!!! SHe has no excuse except plain thoughtlessness. No postage required. My MIL came to visit us the very next day and was telling us how much the nieces and nephews loved their gifts.

It's comforting to read your responses and know that alot of people are in the same situation and would feel the same way.
 
Some random thoughts.

Are your nieces and nephews sending Thank You cards for their gifts?
If not stop sending the gifts why encourage them to be as thoughtless as their parents.

Consider a gift to a charitable organization in their names and send the acknowledgement of gift to them.

As you said, the family doesn't seem to want for anything except for maybe a look outside themselves.

Dave
 
Your absolutely right Dave. Everything you said makes sense. No, no thank you notes,no acknowledgement of the gifts whatsoever. They never do though. I think i'm just going to say nothing and do nothing from now on.

thanks again,
Wendy
 
I think this is a perfect opportunity to teach your children that the spirit of gift giving is all about the "giving" and not the receiving. I know they are young, and gifts are cool things, but maybe this situation would serve as a good example to them of the joy of giving to others, expecting nothing in return. Involve them in picking out the gifts, and maybe have them make some homemade cards to go along. Explain to them that giving a gift doesn't always mean you have to receive one in return. Giving a gift is from your heart.

I honestly don't think I would confront her about it because then it will sound like you only give to her kids, so that your kids will get from them. I know this is not the case because you said how much you love your nieces and nephews.

I'm in no way excusing her behavior, but the above idea might be a way to put a positive spin on the whole thing while teaching your kids a valuable lesson. :)
 
I feel the same way about my neices and nephew and there is no way I could punish them for their mothers actions.
We always receive gifts for the kids but we don't get a phone call from the kids when it is our b-days.
Just keep doing what you are doing OR if you can't get the gifts to them in time,don't worry about it.Chances are they look forward to their Grandma comming with b-day and christmas gifts.
Another question....are they well off? Are they in the slightest way strapped for cash? B/c she may not be able to afford christmas gifts and b-day gifts at the same time and not getting them to your kids in time,with no explaination,may help releive some stress during the holidays.
Ya never know.
Lori:)
 
I totally agree with Dave. These kids may also get enough gifts, they wouldn't miss yours. Just send a card next time.

Marla
 
I may be the only one with this opinion but I think that people should give gifts because they want to give them and not because they expect anything in return.... also - I think its in bad taste for people to ask for $$$ as a present. Just an opinion...
 
I don't think it is bad taste to ask for money. And i think saying that is rather petty. People can ask for what they want. If you don't ask you don't get. Sure we give gifts for the sake of giving them, but when children are involved they aren't always as "mature" as us adults. Try telling a child that "well, perhaps you won't receive a gift back". See how well that goes down.

I think as it is your husbands brother, he should mention it and see where that takes you.

I would send a letter saying hi and hope all is well, etc...and ask if the presents were ok, etc...as you haven't received or heard anything.
 
>I may be the only one with this opinion but I think that
>people should give gifts because they want to give them and
>not because they expect anything in return.... also - I think
>its in bad taste for people to ask for $$$ as a present. Just
>an opinion...



I understand that is your opinion, but in our family, it is much easier to send money than presents, and it sure does save the shopper the agony of trying to figure out the right size/gift/store to buy gift certs from etc...
I LOVE it when my neices and nephews ask for money. They are going to give me a list anyway, so why not money or gift certificates?
 
>I don't think it is bad taste to ask for money. And i think
>saying that is rather petty. People can ask for what they
>want. If you don't ask you don't get. Sure we give gifts for
>the sake of giving them, but when children are involved they
>aren't always as "mature" as us adults. Try telling a child
>that "well, perhaps you won't receive a gift back". See how
>well that goes down.
>
>I think as it is your husbands brother, he should mention it
>and see where that takes you.
>
>I would send a letter saying hi and hope all is well,
>etc...and ask if the presents were ok, etc...as you haven't
>received or heard anything.
>
>


A letter! What a great idea. thanks!
 
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