(long) Do you ever feel like a ---

L Sass

L Sass

Cathlete
second class citizen? I just have to vent my frustration, and it's about my DH (yikes). Please don't get me wrong - I love him dearly. He is a great husband and a terrific daddy. But I am not understanding this - if you have some insight I would love it.

We are both lawyers, though I put my career on hold to raise our 3 kids. I also coach their athletic teams and remain very involved in my community ties (eg I have served on the county planning commission, our local zoning commission, and now I am on the local board of zoning appeals.) Next year my youngest will go to kindergarten, so I am obviously thinking of going back to work. Lawyer fighting? Ick. Would love to get the PT cert. I have also been asked to run for a local govt spot next year. DH is a practicing lawyer and a law school prof. This year he shifted to full time prof and is scaling back his private practice (though has no intentions of closing it.)

One of the perks of the university is the option of joining their awesome gym (just look at it: http://onetoone.case.edu). He joined through a payroll deduction and obtained the PT services - he is meeting with a nutritionist to consider that option as well.

I work out at home - and since I have the kids I'm up at 4:00a.m. to get my w/o's in. And we are fortunate to have a lot of equipment, incl TM, elliptical, pull up bar, range of free weights, etc. But he prefers machines. Here's the rub.

I got a flier from a local training center - but it is truly a PT center - not a gym (http://www.ftohio.com). I met with these guys last week. They are AWESOME, and I felt a great comfort level there. And they were really pumped about my knowledge (thank you Cathe and educated crowd), my enthusiasm, and my working out fanaticism. They tested my form on most things - said maybe tweak a few things, but all around it was a great experience. They also offer nutrition services. Now I told them I don't NEED to come there on a regular basis to workout -- I do need someone to keep me accountable in my eating. Told them I would like to consider them to help me get STS ready (help me on form/spotting for 1RM's, etc. I know I would not be their "regular client" but would they be willing to work with me? I've been in a few times now to meet the various folks and they are definitely willing to structure something for me outside of their regular packages. They are opening another location very near me, and the owners said that if I get my PT cert I "could" be a great fit for their business.

So there I was all revved up about this possibility, and DH says he just doesn't think we can afford it -- I don't even have a price yet as they are devising something for me. No, we don't have a lot of extra income, (who does these days), but I can pinch some things here and there. Dh also says that with his teaching schedule there is no way I would be able to run for that govt office.

For the first time since I became a SAHM, I really feel like a second class citizen because I've put my career on hold. I am just so bummed about this. :( Thanks for reading.
 
No question ~ the parent who stays home is the one who often takes a backseat. I totally empathize. ((hug))

Don't give up yet though. There may be a way to work out one or both situations, especially since the price for the PT opportunity still hasn't been determined. Plus it may lead to more money if you get certified.
 
Humph to your DH:p! I know you have to discuss things and all that but still!

Maybe show him on paper (once you have a price) how it can work. See what you can pinch, etc. for the Fitness Together place and show him that you can afford it. I am sure you have already pointed out that he has a gym membership, which he does pay for. Even if it comes out of his check so you don't "miss" the money, he is still paying for it.

As for running for public office, again, maybe find out how much time it takes (do you live in a small town where it wouldn't be as much time, for example). Prove that you can do it and then show him how we women get it done (sorry Jerry:D).

You must live close to me (NE Ohio)!

Carrie
 
Lorrie,

I'm so sorry you are feeling like you've come second. Did your dh know you wanted PT services too when he signed up for his? Have you told him how important this is to you? I'm a happier, more diligent mother and wife now that I'm going back to massage school than I was when I had all the time in the world to homeschool my children and run the house.

I'm sure your dh loves you. Maybe he doesn't realize the depth of your feelings.

Hugs!
Wendy
 
I'm wondering why your DH gets to dictate what you do and do not do with your time? Please don't take offense to that, I'm not meaning to imply anything, that's just my initial reaction to "he doens't think we can afford it" and "there's no time for your gov't office with his teaching schedule".

It's about compromises. You gave your career - briefly - to raise your children while they were small. There's not a thing in the world wrong with that. But it's not a permanent situation, and now it's time for your husband to compromise for YOU. Maybe he should cut back on his teaching schedule or his private practice. And if you can trim some things to take the class you want, you should do it. It just sounds a bit like you've asked for his permission and he said no without further discussion! (I have trouble with the asking of permission to begin with...).

Again, please don't take offense, I'm not trying to imply anything about your relationship. It just sounds like it's time to have the "your turn to compromise" discussion with your husband.
 
Thanks all. No (and no offense taken ;)) not that he gets to dictate what I do with my time, but rather since he is the only income generator at this point (and honestly, both PT sessions and/or running for office would have to at the start come out of the family income that he generates) I feel that I should discuss those matters with him.
 
I would give it some time and raise the topic again trying to get him to talk more about his concerns and you to talk more about your needs.

Sometimes my DH and I are more successfull at reaching an agreement when we focus on the bigger 'goals' than a specific want. So for example, rather than saying you want to join FT and he says there is no money...talk about your aspirations to be a PT and your passion for fitness and give him the opportunity to discuss his money concerns. I bet there are other ways to achieve your goals that you haven't even thought of yet.

By the way - There is a FT by us and I did think they were REALLY expensive. I checked them out a couple of years ago and live in the Chicago area (western suburbs) so maybe you will have a different experience.
 
Hey Lorri,

Get your ducks in a row and get ALL the information. How much time does the gov. position going to be...how much money for the PT. Once you have all that then approach the discussion. Its hard to say NO when you have all the information. Think of it like being a lawyer...gather all your information then SELL SELL SELL it GIRL! :D

Good luck where there is a will there is a way! :)

Therese
 
Lori, I have no advice, just a hug! I'm sorry you're going thru this right now. Looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice. I hope the right thing comes clear to you. :)
 
Oh, Lorrie. I was going to call you tonight, actually, since I can SIT STILL for more than 2 minutes tonight! lol

But, before I do and we get chatting.....bop DH up side the head for me, will ya?

lol

Then let that bop sink in and when you have all the info and have given him some space to think on the seed you've planted, DISCUSS, DISCUSS, DISCUSS!

HUGS, girl!

Gayle
 
Hey sweetness! DH is late teaching tonight so it'll be around 8:30 when I get the monsters down. YAY -- I want to chat with you!
 
I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm single and childless (except for the cats) so it's just me and my mortgage. I don't know enough about your husband to know if he's just one of those guys who likes to step on a woman's dream or if he's a great guy genuinely concerned about the family finances and/or his wife being away from the kids. And, if you're familiar with MY fiscal issues you know I get very worried when other people look like they may be about to tip over, financially speaking, so I would say be careful about doing anything that could jeopardize your family finances in these hard times. These days, personal financial matters are like a chess game where you look back and say "Okay, I shouldn't have made that third move..." Ordinarily, I'm a big believer in political activism and I know a lot of sahm's feel trapped (like my mom always felt) but I also often wonder where all the parents are when neighborhood kids are behaving badly and there seems to be no parental supervision. I wish I could tell you to go ahead and run for office, take that job, and don't worry about the kids or the finances but I can't because nobody can do it all. Heck, I can barely deal with my job, working out, and caring for the cats. I'm certainly no superwoman. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those things only you can decide for yourself. Good luck.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Our Newsletter

Get awesome content delivered straight to your inbox.

Top