icklemoley
Cathlete
Do any of you get jealous? About your partners? Say of there past partners or wondering eyes, etc…I’m curious to know. Sorry if this is too much of a personal question.
Thank you.
W x
Thank you.
W x
Jealousy? Anyone?
- Thread starter icklemoley
- Start date
dani21496
Cathlete
No, because I'm with someone who makes me feel very secure. I don't feel that it's jealousy if whomever you are with is having wondering eyes right in front of you! Of course that's disrespectful and can easily make the other person feel insecure and jealous. I hope I'm making sense. As far as ex's go...he doesn't have any (he waited for me 
) but even if he did, that would be the past and would be forgotten.
My Fiancee makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world that looks good to him. I love that! He's constantly telling me that I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on and no one else can do it for him but me. Awwwww! He's very honorable.
) but even if he did, that would be the past and would be forgotten. My Fiancee makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world that looks good to him. I love that! He's constantly telling me that I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on and no one else can do it for him but me. Awwwww! He's very honorable.
Hi Wayne!
I don't get jealous of my husband's exs and don't mind if he notices a pretty girl on TV or walking by. It is human nature to look and appreciate beauty. (I am not talking about gawking mind you.) I am secure in my marriage and relationship. After all what is the point in being married if you don't trust the one you are with. My DH has never been unfaithful, but others may have valid reasons for being jealous based on their partners past.
However, I have a guy friend who has totally lost his own identity in his marriage. He can't even be himself and do regular things like go to the gym because of his wife's insecurity. His wife gets upset if he is watching a TV program and a girl goes walking by in a bathing suit, no matter how briefly it was on TV.
I don't get jealous of my husband's exs and don't mind if he notices a pretty girl on TV or walking by. It is human nature to look and appreciate beauty. (I am not talking about gawking mind you.) I am secure in my marriage and relationship. After all what is the point in being married if you don't trust the one you are with. My DH has never been unfaithful, but others may have valid reasons for being jealous based on their partners past.
However, I have a guy friend who has totally lost his own identity in his marriage. He can't even be himself and do regular things like go to the gym because of his wife's insecurity. His wife gets upset if he is watching a TV program and a girl goes walking by in a bathing suit, no matter how briefly it was on TV.
I struggled all my life with jealousy and insecurity. Rightfully so as past boyfriends had done things to feed that, plus the childhood I had. When I had children I became too busy and preoccupied to focus on jealousy. I also think my age(38) and season of life has helped. I'm sure I would still experience jealousy if I had any time to think about it. In fact, recently my husband went on a business trip and circumstances lended me to feel it again. I believe a person's partner has the capability to help(not fix) or hurt these feelings. If you're experiencing this, my good wishes are with you. It's a very hard place to be.
H
Hotspur
Guest
It's a human nature to feel jealous sometimes. Even animals get jealous, too. Everyone can't help looking at something nice and attractive. If the person you're with really gawks at someone and can't stop staring in a way, then I'd kick his arse. I used to get somewhat jealous when my husband looks at a chick on tv or when she walks by. I don't get jealous anymore. You know why? Because what makes him think they want him? Someone on tv won't want him and the girl who walks by won't want him. I even look at an attractive man in front of my hubby but I don't make it look obvious or anything. My husband try not to be obvious when he looks at a girl. If he seems obvious, I slap him in the back of his head. We would laugh about it. I know my husband loves me to death. He does anything for me. If you're insanely jealous about someone, then it could be a problem. A little jealousy doesn't hurt. Youre not a human if you don't get a little jealous. Hope things work out for ya.
futurefitnessdyanmo
Cathlete
I was in Oklahoma and my boyfriend in Georgia last year, and I definitely felt some jealousy! I know now that being apart and him being in a college town with little hotties all around was a big factor. But I still get twinges sometimes when I notice him notice someone. But, I notice attractive males and females too, so its no big deal (like someone else said, if he's staring and telling me how pretty she is, that's a little different!)
I wonder what the situation is that's making you ask this question. I mean, if you feel jealous a lot, and maybe always have no matter who you're with or what the situation is, then maybe insecurity is the underlying factor. But, maybe there's something real going on that you're cueing into? Jealousy is one of those things that can be harmful, but also may be telling you that something's up. Only you know the answer to this, but hope this helps...
I wonder what the situation is that's making you ask this question. I mean, if you feel jealous a lot, and maybe always have no matter who you're with or what the situation is, then maybe insecurity is the underlying factor. But, maybe there's something real going on that you're cueing into? Jealousy is one of those things that can be harmful, but also may be telling you that something's up. Only you know the answer to this, but hope this helps...
Hi Wayne,
How are you feeling?
I dated a guy for 4 and a half years, from age 14 to 18ish. When I was younger, I did get jealous when my bf's eyes wandered. I'm not that much older now, but I have gotten past the jealousy issues. Although it may be annoying, it is human nature. A few years ago, I worked at a church and a priest commented about a pretty girl he noticed on the boardwalk! Slightly wandering eyes are natural, as is slight jealousy. Some people even see their partner's jealousy as a form of flattery. Oogling the opposite sex is a different story, though, and I think most mature people have stopped such behavior. I mention maturity because I'm in my 20s, and I know you are too. Although we may be mature enough not to gawk, plenty of 20-somethings still act like they are in high school.
Jealousy can ruin relationships, as I am sure you know. Wandering eyes once in a while aren't worth getting upset over, but if your significant other is gawking or is constantly wandering, it is something you should talk about. Some people don't even realize they do it.
I think in relatively long-term relationship, it should be clear how each person feels about cheating. When I used to get jealous, I'd think that my bf didn't think much of me and would or could cheat or leave me for someone else. Much later in that relationship, when it was clear that both of us were committed, the wandering eyes became much less of an issue. I don't want to imply that wandering eyes lead to cheating, but I think it is one of the underlying concerns that causes jealousy.
Gina
How are you feeling?
I dated a guy for 4 and a half years, from age 14 to 18ish. When I was younger, I did get jealous when my bf's eyes wandered. I'm not that much older now, but I have gotten past the jealousy issues. Although it may be annoying, it is human nature. A few years ago, I worked at a church and a priest commented about a pretty girl he noticed on the boardwalk! Slightly wandering eyes are natural, as is slight jealousy. Some people even see their partner's jealousy as a form of flattery. Oogling the opposite sex is a different story, though, and I think most mature people have stopped such behavior. I mention maturity because I'm in my 20s, and I know you are too. Although we may be mature enough not to gawk, plenty of 20-somethings still act like they are in high school.
Jealousy can ruin relationships, as I am sure you know. Wandering eyes once in a while aren't worth getting upset over, but if your significant other is gawking or is constantly wandering, it is something you should talk about. Some people don't even realize they do it.
I think in relatively long-term relationship, it should be clear how each person feels about cheating. When I used to get jealous, I'd think that my bf didn't think much of me and would or could cheat or leave me for someone else. Much later in that relationship, when it was clear that both of us were committed, the wandering eyes became much less of an issue. I don't want to imply that wandering eyes lead to cheating, but I think it is one of the underlying concerns that causes jealousy.
Gina
icklemoley
Cathlete
Outing myself on an open forum was not my ideal, but hey ho.
I accept myself 100%. I am what I am. I cannot change it. Praying will not “correct” it (should it even need correcting) and living a lie will only lead to unhappiness. Now, with that said … I will proceed.
Being gay is not that easy. When you’re like me, just a normal bloke. Not camp. Not into bed hopping, or one night stands, just want a settled life with someone it ain’t easy. I have a great partner and am very much in love. But jealousy starts whenever we go out together (gay place). People will hit on, make eyes, gestures, or even touch (me, usually) and its causes so much upset. The only place where we can openly be who we are and we can’t go because people are inappropriate.
The gay world is surrounded by masks. It’s either funny (Will and Grace, ie – Jack, camp, etc…) or its looked upon is disgust (ie – Queer as Folk – a very accurate view in my opinion) . You have no role models. No one to look up too. To respect. Someone that is “normal”. Who has been with his partner for years and years, monogamously. Its not much to ask for is it?
So jealously. Well its about the fact that so many gay men never make it in relationships because there too busy having sex or being unfaithful. Its about the feeling that all gay relationships will fail and the hurt and angry I feel at it. I just want to be me, but live my life in a heterosexual way but with another man? Make sense?
So this jealously I feel isn’t just directed toward myself or others, is about feeling so insecure in me and my world that its starting to get me down.
W x
I accept myself 100%. I am what I am. I cannot change it. Praying will not “correct” it (should it even need correcting) and living a lie will only lead to unhappiness. Now, with that said … I will proceed.
Being gay is not that easy. When you’re like me, just a normal bloke. Not camp. Not into bed hopping, or one night stands, just want a settled life with someone it ain’t easy. I have a great partner and am very much in love. But jealousy starts whenever we go out together (gay place). People will hit on, make eyes, gestures, or even touch (me, usually) and its causes so much upset. The only place where we can openly be who we are and we can’t go because people are inappropriate.
The gay world is surrounded by masks. It’s either funny (Will and Grace, ie – Jack, camp, etc…) or its looked upon is disgust (ie – Queer as Folk – a very accurate view in my opinion) . You have no role models. No one to look up too. To respect. Someone that is “normal”. Who has been with his partner for years and years, monogamously. Its not much to ask for is it?
So jealously. Well its about the fact that so many gay men never make it in relationships because there too busy having sex or being unfaithful. Its about the feeling that all gay relationships will fail and the hurt and angry I feel at it. I just want to be me, but live my life in a heterosexual way but with another man? Make sense?
So this jealously I feel isn’t just directed toward myself or others, is about feeling so insecure in me and my world that its starting to get me down.
W x
I'm confused, Wayne. Is it you who are jealous, or is it your partner?
I'm not gay, so I'm not familiar with the problems you're facing, but it sounds as though the real issue may not be jealousy, which I think of as unfounded fears, but very real concerns.
I don't know if this applies, but my husband and I rarely go to bars or clubs for the very reasons you mention. People are there to flirt and make connections, which often leads to jealousy, and since we aren't looking for that, we simply avoid that "world" and go places that are more couple-oriented.
I realize that society isn't really ready, yet, to fully accept gay couples, but if you avoid public displays of affection, which society also disapproves of anyway, whether the couple is gay or straight, wouldn't you and your partner be able to fit in and have a good time just about anywhere? Maybe you two could just go out dinner, go to the movies, things like that? Or even have parties at your home where you invite other couples. Am I'm oversimplifying???
Well, I hope two can work this out. Jealousy and insecurity are so devastating for both parties involved.
Best wishes,
Shari
I'm not gay, so I'm not familiar with the problems you're facing, but it sounds as though the real issue may not be jealousy, which I think of as unfounded fears, but very real concerns.
I don't know if this applies, but my husband and I rarely go to bars or clubs for the very reasons you mention. People are there to flirt and make connections, which often leads to jealousy, and since we aren't looking for that, we simply avoid that "world" and go places that are more couple-oriented.
I realize that society isn't really ready, yet, to fully accept gay couples, but if you avoid public displays of affection, which society also disapproves of anyway, whether the couple is gay or straight, wouldn't you and your partner be able to fit in and have a good time just about anywhere? Maybe you two could just go out dinner, go to the movies, things like that? Or even have parties at your home where you invite other couples. Am I'm oversimplifying???
Well, I hope two can work this out. Jealousy and insecurity are so devastating for both parties involved.
Best wishes,
Shari
icklemoley
Cathlete
Its hard you see. When you want to go out, have a good time, and be who you are, and show affection. And for that you need to go somewhere where there are other like minded people. But thats where the problem lies. You then run the risk of having someone flirt, touch or come on to you. And that causes jealously and unease in the relationship. No matter how often you tell them to pixx off! Its so sad.
W x
ps - i tend to get hit on more often, so its usually my partner that gets upset more than i.
W x
ps - i tend to get hit on more often, so its usually my partner that gets upset more than i.
Hi Wayne,
Im not in a jealous relationship but I have been in the past.And when I started dating my husband there would be times that he would get jealous, and he probably still would if someone overstepped their boundres ( don't know if I spelled that right )
I understand what you are saying about going somewhere where you are excepted,where there are people who are in the same situation.But are gay men really that pushy? You are making it sound as if you get no peace when you go to gay bars.Do they not understand that you are with someone? I would find this very irriatting if I were you and it would make me what to stay at home.I don't know, it just seems so inappropraite to touch someone that you don't know these days.
You really only have two options,(in my eyes).
1.Is for both of you to lay it all out on the table.Get your feelings out there.Let each other know that you are in this for the long run,it doesn't matter who touches you or who hits on you,it won't change things between the two of you.And thats if you guys REALLY have to go out.I know you can't live a sheltered life and not be socialable.And of course,alcohol will play a big role to how one will react with jealousy.Prehaps, go out and not drink?
2.Stay home.We hardly ever go out anymore.Just have friends in.Have meals together and a few drinks.That may cure your craving for the night life.
If going out is the problem for you to then thats what you need to do.Either make a commitment to do other things that interset both of you. Or else bite the bullet,deal with whatever gets thrown your way, and know what to expect when going out. If you know whats gonna happen when you go out,then you can't really get into a arguement over it.If I knew that everytime we went out it was going to turn into a disaster, I would just stay home.I think you have to decide what is best for your relationship and then prehaps this may not be the guy for you.Maybe you need someone who is more secure?
I couls go one forever, I hope things workout for you, you seen like a great guy
Lori
Im not in a jealous relationship but I have been in the past.And when I started dating my husband there would be times that he would get jealous, and he probably still would if someone overstepped their boundres ( don't know if I spelled that right
)I understand what you are saying about going somewhere where you are excepted,where there are people who are in the same situation.But are gay men really that pushy? You are making it sound as if you get no peace when you go to gay bars.Do they not understand that you are with someone? I would find this very irriatting if I were you and it would make me what to stay at home.I don't know, it just seems so inappropraite to touch someone that you don't know these days.
You really only have two options,(in my eyes).
1.Is for both of you to lay it all out on the table.Get your feelings out there.Let each other know that you are in this for the long run,it doesn't matter who touches you or who hits on you,it won't change things between the two of you.And thats if you guys REALLY have to go out.I know you can't live a sheltered life and not be socialable.And of course,alcohol will play a big role to how one will react with jealousy.Prehaps, go out and not drink?
2.Stay home.We hardly ever go out anymore.Just have friends in.Have meals together and a few drinks.That may cure your craving for the night life.
If going out is the problem for you to then thats what you need to do.Either make a commitment to do other things that interset both of you. Or else bite the bullet,deal with whatever gets thrown your way, and know what to expect when going out. If you know whats gonna happen when you go out,then you can't really get into a arguement over it.If I knew that everytime we went out it was going to turn into a disaster, I would just stay home.I think you have to decide what is best for your relationship and then prehaps this may not be the guy for you.Maybe you need someone who is more secure?
I couls go one forever, I hope things workout for you, you seen like a great guy
Lori
icklemoley
Cathlete
Thanks for the advice. Yea, clubs really are that bad at times. Its scary. Especially when you don't fit any mold like me. At the end of the day i guess we will have to play it by ear and see what happens. Its not a nice place to me. And believe it or not, most gay men don't hold hands when "out" in a bar because what if someone better came along? I know i'm painting a bad picture here, and i am one, but its what i see...and frankly, i can understand why there is so much haterd towards us at times.
Thank you for all the help.
W x
Thank you for all the help.
W x
I thought that the world was more excepting of gay people then years ago.I guess if you are not gay then you don't really see the pitcure.
You say that gay men don't hold hands in public b/c someone better may come along.Thats a little odd.If you don't want to show affection to the person your with, or if your waiting to see whatelse is out there, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person(im not saying "you",i just mean in general). DO you two act this way? If so,then I can see where the jealousy would come from.
Do you just go to gay bars?
I don't understand the hatred either.Its really none of anyones business what you do with your life.You can't live your life to please other people.You have to be happy.I think society thinks that being gay is a choice someone as made.I know my father does.But I don't beleive it.I can't choose to be gay, if I am not.
Lori
You say that gay men don't hold hands in public b/c someone better may come along.Thats a little odd.If you don't want to show affection to the person your with, or if your waiting to see whatelse is out there, then maybe you shouldn't be with that person(im not saying "you",i just mean in general). DO you two act this way? If so,then I can see where the jealousy would come from.
Do you just go to gay bars?
I don't understand the hatred either.Its really none of anyones business what you do with your life.You can't live your life to please other people.You have to be happy.I think society thinks that being gay is a choice someone as made.I know my father does.But I don't beleive it.I can't choose to be gay, if I am not.
Lori
icklemoley
Cathlete
God no. I always hold hands and show affection. Always. But most others do not. And its sad. I'm not making things up, or saying things to shock, it really is like that out there. At least, from my perspective. Sure it can be a fun place to hang out, if you're single, but going as a couple is usually bad news. Sadly.
It was never a choice with me. Hardly a choice many would make. Not being able to hold hands in public, or kiss and show someone you care, or even say the words out loud...hardly a choice. Thats whats so sad. Straight people can do all of that and take it for granted, but me, i can't. At least, won't due to negative comments. Thank you for understanding.
W x
It was never a choice with me. Hardly a choice many would make. Not being able to hold hands in public, or kiss and show someone you care, or even say the words out loud...hardly a choice. Thats whats so sad. Straight people can do all of that and take it for granted, but me, i can't. At least, won't due to negative comments. Thank you for understanding.
W x
But at the sametime there are straight people out there as well, who act the same way.Its not to bad in this town b/c everyone knows everybody.If I were to go out with my girlfriends and leave my husband home, without a doubt there would be someone watching me, just to make sure that I wasn't being unfaithful.And if I were behaving myself,chances are,they would make up something.There are always disadvantages of living in a small town.
Ive seen the samethings that you are talking about in this town.Husband and wives could be out and they are acting as if they don't know each other.
My husband notices it b/c he says that men don't get hit on like women do.I could get comments just by walking to a bathroom,from men who don't know "us" ,think I am single and out looking for a good time.But you never get anyone grabbing after you.I would probably use a Cathe sidekick if that were the case
I guess we do take it for granted that we can show affection in public.Holding hands is acceptable in my eyes.BUT I would definitly screw up my nose if I saw two straight people making out in public.(not that thats what you want to do,I am just saying certain levels of affection are exceptable)I think there is a time and place for everything.I wouldn't find it offensive if I saw two men holding hands walking down a street.But I am sure there are people who would. Do you care about what other people think? Do you live in a small town? If I felt like holding my partners hand while being in public,I think I would do it.Chances are they probably know that you guys are a couple anyway.
Anyway,I wish the best for you.Its hard to be truly happy of you can't really be yourself isn't it?
Lori
Ive seen the samethings that you are talking about in this town.Husband and wives could be out and they are acting as if they don't know each other.
My husband notices it b/c he says that men don't get hit on like women do.I could get comments just by walking to a bathroom,from men who don't know "us" ,think I am single and out looking for a good time.But you never get anyone grabbing after you.I would probably use a Cathe sidekick if that were the case
I guess we do take it for granted that we can show affection in public.Holding hands is acceptable in my eyes.BUT I would definitly screw up my nose if I saw two straight people making out in public.(not that thats what you want to do,I am just saying certain levels of affection are exceptable)I think there is a time and place for everything.I wouldn't find it offensive if I saw two men holding hands walking down a street.But I am sure there are people who would. Do you care about what other people think? Do you live in a small town? If I felt like holding my partners hand while being in public,I think I would do it.Chances are they probably know that you guys are a couple anyway.
Anyway,I wish the best for you.Its hard to be truly happy of you can't really be yourself isn't it?
Lori
icklemoley
Cathlete
Lori,
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Brit-Josie
Cathlete
Wayne - I can appreciate that you must find it difficult where you live - I'm in North Wales (which isn't a million miles away from you) and I know a lot of people around here aren't very accepting of anything which differs from the 'norm' (whatever that may be) which is such a shame. Being gay seems to be so much more accepted in the bigger cities such as London and Manchester. I know gay people around here who have been victimised and beaten up simply because of their sexuality. I do find that the majority of people around here are incredibly narrow-minded anyway.
As for your jealousy issue, well I have been to a lot of straight and gay pubs and clubs in and around Liverpool and Manchester so I know what goes on! - a lot of people who go to places like that are on the pull so it is perhaps inevitable that people will be eyeing you up - if your partner is jealous, then you need to discuss the problem and reassure him that there is no threat to your relationship. Jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity.
I used to get jealous with my boyfriends when I was younger, but now I am married and settled, I no longer get jealous.
I'm sorry I can't say anything more constructive or useful!
Josie
As for your jealousy issue, well I have been to a lot of straight and gay pubs and clubs in and around Liverpool and Manchester so I know what goes on! - a lot of people who go to places like that are on the pull so it is perhaps inevitable that people will be eyeing you up - if your partner is jealous, then you need to discuss the problem and reassure him that there is no threat to your relationship. Jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity.
I used to get jealous with my boyfriends when I was younger, but now I am married and settled, I no longer get jealous.
I'm sorry I can't say anything more constructive or useful!
Josie
icklemoley
Cathlete
Hey, Josie, thankfully someone else knows what its like! lol ... Abergavenny here, so not much going on. Cardiff is close (city) but i'm just not a clubber, or night person. And frankly the gay clubs do little for me. I just hate that scene. I have never had anyone say anything to me ever about my sexuality, but i'm not in your face, i just look like everyone else. I would hate to live in Manchester or London, can you imagine!
Hi Wayne! I know a couple (guys S and R) who are gay. R confided in me that his partner, S, is very jealous of him. S who is jealous is very overweight, which I'm sure sparks insecurity with him, but it was making R very uncomfortable. So to alleviate his own insecurities, S would flirt with other guys at the gay bar that they frequent. I told R that that was disrespectful and that they needed to have a very frank discussion regarding the situation. Haven't seen them in a while so I don't know how it is going except that they are still together and have been for 4 years.
Guys by nature are very competitive. Do you think someone who is coming on to you in front of your prartner does it to see if they can win? (It's still early here, so I may not be making much sense!) If someone was coming on to me in front of my partner, I would tend to get a little in their face. That is disrespectful to both you and your partner.
I experienced a bit of a jealousy problem with myself a couple of years ago. Being middle age, overweight and hormonal changed me in a weird way. I had always been very confident and never felt jealous over my DH. My daughter (15 at the time) would catch her dad staring at other women. She confided in me and I told her I would speak with him about it. I realize it's normal and that guys look. I just told him not to be so obvious that it was hurtful to our daughter and it wasn't making me feel very good. Everyone is fine now but I know open communication was key to overcome the situation.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Being gay here in Los Angeles is accepted, it's become the norm. I think all anyone wants is to be accepted unconditionally and we should all strive to practice unconditional love and acceptance.
Take care! ;-)
Guys by nature are very competitive. Do you think someone who is coming on to you in front of your prartner does it to see if they can win? (It's still early here, so I may not be making much sense!) If someone was coming on to me in front of my partner, I would tend to get a little in their face. That is disrespectful to both you and your partner.
I experienced a bit of a jealousy problem with myself a couple of years ago. Being middle age, overweight and hormonal changed me in a weird way. I had always been very confident and never felt jealous over my DH. My daughter (15 at the time) would catch her dad staring at other women. She confided in me and I told her I would speak with him about it. I realize it's normal and that guys look. I just told him not to be so obvious that it was hurtful to our daughter and it wasn't making me feel very good. Everyone is fine now but I know open communication was key to overcome the situation.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Being gay here in Los Angeles is accepted, it's become the norm. I think all anyone wants is to be accepted unconditionally and we should all strive to practice unconditional love and acceptance.
Take care! ;-)