I know I may seem crazy again!

[liptagirl]

Hi ladies,

I wrote a few months ago about my daughters boyfriends family. I know some of you thought I shouldn't worry and some of you also thought they were some sick people. I really try to not act somewhat jealous over this but it is knawing at me! My daughter is almost 19 and is going to a community college while he is just going into his senior year at high school. Now I really like him and he treats my daughter great but his mother is on the weird side. She is alittle sick over my daughter. Whatever my daughter wants she tries to apply. I like the fact that they love my daughter but it just doesn't right to me.
I have let her spend the night with them and she sleeps with his sister,but now I think she should not do this. I know it is stupid after letting her for two years but I feel that I should have some control over what she does. Not that I want to be controlling but I think that there should a little of a separation of some sort. The mom even ask her to spend the night at their house! I think that is alittle strange. She practically has them married. She has planned vacations at the beach at the same time nearby so they are able to see each other.
My daughter wanted to go to a club with some friends from work and she has never been to one. I told her it was too late for her to leave but I was going to let her make her own decision. Well she did and end up going to a club that wasn't appropiate. She had no idea what involved a club and she is just that nieve! If I should of asked questions I could of forbid her to go. Her boyfriend got mad but my daughter said would get over it. Well his mom told him that just let her get it out of her system. What! She is 18 years old, I want her in the future experience a real club and have fun. This lady is too much into their relationship. They for one thing hang around their house too much instead of going out. I hope like crap she meets other people at college.
I know it seems like I am a bit jealous but it also isn't the sanist situation either. She really thinks that she is supposed to do what she wants and I just want to make sure that I still have some kind of say so in my childs life. Especially when I am paying for college and that car she rides up and down town. I know I will get some different oppinions on this but just know that I really want the best for my daughter and not be so soaked up in this family. I think that if she lives in my house that she should go by what I say.
She also says she likes to spend the night there because he has a 14 year old sister and they are friends. I think a 14 year old is young to be friends with a 18 old. I think my daughter should be over there to date him, not be there for the mother and daughter.

I know that I am rambling and seem a little jealous but I think it is weird for my daughter. I want to hear true opinions, but I hope some think that I am not crazy.

thanks for letting me vent!

liptagirl

 

[morningstar]

I graduated from high school at 17, went to university on my own (and paid for it on my own), moved in with my boyfriend, slept with my boyfriend, got a job (or 10) and paid my own bills.

At 18, your daughter has been biologically a full grown woman for quite some time. You will always have an influence over her, but it is her life and her choices. It's your job now to just be there to help her pick up the pieces when she makes bad decisions - and she will, we all do and it's how we learn. You did the majority of the teaching and coaching while she grew up; now it's about support and understanding, with the occasional reality check, as you give her the space she needs to grow into the woman she is becoming.

 

[JT]

Unlike Morningstar, your daughter is still financially dependent on you cause she is still living at home. Finding the balance because she is of majority age but still respecting your home rules is a tough place to be. Your deal is with your daughter's boyfriends Mom and her influence on your daughter. Trust your daughter to make the right decision, she will learn from experience if this person is misleading her. Hang in there!!

 

[trixie108]

Hmm, I'd like to think there's nothing going on at the mom's house, but thinking back to when I was that age, and my boyfriend had a "lenient" mom, we weren't sleeping in separate beds, lol!! She's probably there so much because his mom lets them do whatever they want. I agree with JT that since she is still financially dependent, she needs to follow some of your rules. Maybe restricting the use of your car? Or limiting the amount of time she spends there, or have them at your house more often? There really is a big difference between highschool and college, even though they're close in age. Maybe she'll realize that soon and move on.

As for the club situation, we went to clubs all the time as teens and it really was just dancing and hanging out (although there were a few kids getting drunk beforehand). But if you gave her the option to make her own decision, you really have no right to be angry with her. If you told her she was not allowed to go, and she went anyways, that's another story.

I would just lay down the ground rules, and let her know what the consequenses will be if she breakes them. She'll learn pretty fast, even though she may not like what you're doing. Hopefully everything works out okay!

 

[janie1234]

Well, . . my moto is "my roof, . . my rules." 18 year old or not. I was somewhat like morninstar. I lived with my parents but I got several part time jobs, took the bus to college, and paid for my education and my bills.

 

[morningstar]

I guess I can see the "my house, my rules" thing as it comes to things like cleaning up after yourself, taking part in helping around the house, helping with household expenses, etc. I just don't get how paying the bills allows anyone to decide how and where an adult can spend their free time. In marriages, one spouse may earn all the household income, but surely doesn't then get to determine how the other spouse lives their life. 18 years old is not a child, no matter who pays the bills and no matter where they live.

 

[Bobbi-B]

Ugh, there's nothing harder than being a mom and watching your child make decisions that you think aren't best for her. That said, I'm not sure there's a lot you can or should do in this situation, given her age. She lives with you, which gives you authority about how she conducts herself in your house, but she's got to figure her personal relationships on her own, even if her boyfriend's mom is creepy, and even if you know best!

I feel that I should have some control over what she does....

I just want to make sure that I still have some kind of say so in my childs life. Especially when I am paying for college and that car she rides up and down town.

It's your choice to pay for her college and her car, and it's a wonderfully supportive thing for a parent to do, but it doesn't buy you rights to determine her life choices. I think it would do more harm to your relationship with her if there were strings attached to college and car about how she lives her life.

In short, of course you're not crazy, but your problems with this situation are your problems, and very normal ones that parents experience as their kids transition into adulthood. It's not your daughter's problem (she's got her hands full with her boyfriend's mom's weird boundaries!) so I'd just vent with friends and not weigh your daughter down about it. Easier said than done, of course (I'm speaking as a stepmom to a 20 yo who has made some very bad life decisions, oh the heartache.)

edited to add: this was just on our local morning show today, about parenting teens, and I thought of this thread!!! http://www.katu.com/amnw/segments/98844779.html

 

[morgs]

I know it's hard, but like 'Morningstar' said; 18 is 18. Legally, that means that child is an adult. I too kind of have a hard time with my step son ( who will be 18 in August) doing the things that he's doing. It's just hard to imagine : That child who once needed thier diaper changed , is now an adult and will be doing adult things like going to clubs and staying over night at thier significant other's homes. BUT, these are the things that I also did when I was that age. Also like Morning Star, I was out of the house like a month after graduating / in college that next semester / had two jobs / and had my own apartment ( with my boyfriend of coarse.) When I moved back home after graduating ( I was 20 years old ) to save a little money to get my own house; The only regulation that my parents had was: 'Please respect our space , and we will respect yours'. That's about it. I came and went as I pleased, tried not to disturb thier sleep ( I worked 12 hour nights ) and they did the same for me. I lived at home for about a year, worked , saved my money , and then my fiance and myself found a house and went from there.

Just seems like kids now days are getting old too fast, but, again, 18 is 18. Sounds like she's got a great head on her shoulders and does not sound like you have anything to worry about. I think she's just hitting it off with her boyfriend's mother and sister and that is a good thing. That would be better than her being hated by them, which most of the time (sadly) happens. BTW: You're not being crazy. You're looking out for your daughter and that's good.

May not be the answer, but I hope it helped.

~Morgs~

 

[ImFiddY]

I think if you are supporting your daughter and do not approve of her lifestyle then your only recourse is to stop supporting her.

I do not see in your write up that your daughter is doing anything that is illegal or dangerous. If you stop supporting her then you will no longer have these control issues with her life.

 

[liptagirl]

Thanks ladies for all of your advice. All of you had some good pointers, and I take those seriously. I really have tried to treat my daughter and son as adults. I have them a no curfew rule and that is something I am paying for. They both come in at different times and it totally keeps me awake. How do I give them a curfew after letting them set their own? I hear everything in the house too. The front door is close to the bedroom so I hear when both come in. don't get me wrong,my children have never done drugs or drank and were good students in school, so I am proud. But my daughter is not that mature. She is 18 only physically wise. I understand I should let her make her own decisions, but aren't I hear to guide and protect her? I know I have to give her room, but she has proven that some things she needs a parent guide.
I try to stay out of the boyfriends mothers matter but it seems hard sometimes. I think sometimes that if they two are to break up the mother will have to go to therapy! I am not joking about that either. I like her boyfriend, but I am not going to treat him like my son.
I'm sorry for venting so much ladies. I guess I am scared of making the wrong decision. I have always been this way since they were little. My husband is old school and thinks they should pay for their car and school. He often says if they didn't have me they would be sharing a car. He says they are 18 and now it is time to step up!
Oh, I wanted to ask you ladies if you ever grounded your 18 or older child. I wouldn't let her go to her boyfriends the other day because she was asked to do something me and her dad ask of her. Well when she didn't do it, I grounded her. I couldn't believe I was having to do that. If she can't follow our instructions, she might have serious consequences later in life.

Well I will shut up now, I just need to get all of this crap out! Oh, forgot something. My daughter I know is sexually active and I have her on the pill, and we are open about it. She says that the mother doesn't believe they have had sex yet. I wish I could inform her that my daughter has already confided in me. He was also a virgin too. I believe she is about as nieve as my daughter is.

Okay, I am stopping now,

I can use any advice still given

liptagirl