Dating advice from the attached ladies

D

divagirl

Cathlete
Hey all... I could use some good advice.

I've been dating a guy for almost 2 months and I really like the guy and he's very respectful. He lives about 45 minutes from me and we see each other 1xweek. The problem I'm having is that he has a dry sense of humor and is very laid back...not usually what I go for. But, he tends to not open up very much or doesn't elaborate on things when I ask him questions. I feel that I need to keep asking questions to get the "full story" and I don't like to feel like I'm prying. Is this a guy thing? I did finally tell him my observation of this with him and he said he wasn't aware that he was being a closed book but could see how I would feel this way. Interestingly enough he said to me "Do you think that being an open book is boring?" I said that being boring and being an open book are completely different to me. So I guess I'm questioning whether he could possibly be uncomfortable because we're still getting to know each other or whether this a guy thing. Any suggestions or ideas? He's 33 by the way and I'm 31.
 
When it comes to those around me, I'm kind of the same way - quiet and not very open. My SO, on the other hand is very much the opposite and it drives him crazy!! I don't think it's being uncomfortable around you per se. For me, it's a feeling like people really don't want to hear me ramble on. I like listening to others, but the majority of people I know truly don't care about what I have to say. And that is probably where his thought of people thinking an "open book" might be boring. I KNOW people become bored and stop listening if I want to talk a little extra. I've learned to keep things short and sweet and then shut my mouth. (Not so much in writing, though, and I'm not sure why. Sorry guys.)

I wouldn't take it personally. It's one of those personality traits some people have, and it probably won't ever change.

Oh, also... when I am around people I have serious feelings for, I become even more clammy. I can't help it. It's nerves, and if that may be the case, take it as a compliment!! :D

Sara

http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?username=sblordita&x=0&y=0
 
I agree with Sara. My DH and I are complete opposites here (he is quiet at home and chatty in public, I am chatty at home and quiet in public!) but it doesn't damage our relationship any. I do think it may partially be a guy thing but mostly a personality thing. I wouldn't worry too much, if you like everything else about him and he likes you, it might just be one of those things that you learn to live with cause the other stuff works.

Sparrow


___________________
www.scifichics.com
 
Here's what I've found: The more I talk, the more he doesn't. To be honest, though, I am the same way. When someone around me is talk-talk-talking, I tend to overcompensate by being super-quiet. In other words, take a look at how much you are talking, and maybe you will have your answer about why he doesn't talk as much.

Guys I've known especially clam up when they are being asked question after question. It's as if they are trying to send a signal that, "Hey, you are not my keeper, and if I want to do such-and-such, I shouldn't have to answer to you." I don't know what he's clamming up about and what kind of questions you are asking him, but after only two months of dating, this guy might be trying to say, "We haven't dated long enough for me to open up and tell you these things, yet." If you're not careful, you might chase him away by continuing to ask him questions: Men tend to see that as a sign of neediness, insecurity, and/or possessiveness.

My mom has chased away every man she's dated because she couldn't just "be" with him...she had to ask 20 questions, and it drove the men in her life absolutely NUTS! She's been married 3 times and is now single - AGAIN!

Don't end up like my mom -- stop with the questions. Be the quiet one. Don't call him - let him call you. If that takes two weeks, then so be it (I got my now-husband to finally ask me out after two years by not calling him for two months (we were friends before dating) -- it was worth the wait because we're married now). When he asks you about your day, say something like, "It was fine." and then zip it. Let him probe for more information if he wants it. If you are driving somewhere, just listen to the radio and don't say anything. Enjoy the view and the music, and make him say the first word. If you're watching a movie, just watch it and don't talk. Enjoy the silence! So much more can be said in the silence than it can with words. My dad told me something once, and I later read something similar in a book: "He who speaks first loses." It's true. Try it.
 
Thanks for the replys. I just feel more connected to someone when we can talk openly and share openly and I'm concerned I'm not going to be able to fully feel connected to him if I feel like I need to ask for everything. Even something as simple as so how was that event with your friends and the answer is "Oh, it was alright" and that's all I get until I ask more about it. He has in the past on a number of occassions during the week on the phone say to me when I ask if anything is new "Oh I don't have anything interesting going on...I'd much rather hear your stories...I know you've got a good one for me. I can't help but feel its one sided. I don't know.
 
I agree with the generalizations the other ladies have posted. My DH is insanely quiet, and it drives me up the wall. But, I knew that going in, so I'm not complaining. Still waters run deep, and all...

My DH did tell me early on that he knew I was "the one" because he wanted to tell me stories about himself. It was cute at the time, but over time I've come to better understand what he was saying.

I also think there are two kinds of "open books"- to me, an "open book" means, ask me anything- I have no secrets. It seems to me like others here are interpreting "open book" to mean, even if you don't ask, I'll tell you anything. That seems like a HUGE difference to me!!! I'm the first kind, not the second. LOL, I think my DH is a third kind- ask him anything, he'll take a few days to think about it, and if he remembers, he'll get back to you. ;)
 
I enjoy hearing everyone's opinions. I don't really consider myself too chatty of a person in fact I'm more of the quiet one but to sit around and not talk?? Am I crazy for thinking that we're supposed to be getting to know each other through talking? I'm at the point where I want to know if this thing can go anywhere...don't have forever to waste at 31 ya know.

Tina
 
Its a guy thing, but about age 50 they begin to talk and open up a lot more. Don't bug him. Read the Men are From Mars book.
Beth
 
I don't ask questions like what time did you go, what time did you get home and the more "needy-type" questions because I don't consider myself needy but for ex. if he goes to a restaurant tasting I just want to know what types of food were there...did he eat anything good...etc etc. just basic information to kind of know what it was like and stuff like that. Information like my friends would just offer without my having to ask. And I bet if I asked how his hockey game went today he'd say good and I'd have to ask if he won the game. Are these really bad questions to ask??
 
Tina-I am going to be honest with you and I disagree with the other ladies. I dated a guy who was very quiet and at first I founf it irritating but figured it would pass. He was quiet with everyone, not just me. After 6 months It just didn't go away. I need someone I can talk to and who talks back. I left him. If you don't need a good conversationalist then move forward. If you need someone to carry on even simple everyday concersation then I say MOVE ON! Just my opinion

Terri

OOPs maybe I shouldn't have posted as I am not attatched:)
 
Ok I got that it could be a guy thing but more importantly ladies, how do you connect with the guy then? Isn't it a female thing to feel more connected through conversation?

Tina
 
I have to agree with Terri. You were concerned or you wouldn't have posted this question. Myself, I have been married almost 25 years and if he didn't open up to the important questions I wouldn't have married him. He is VERY chatty which has been good in our relationship. I tend to be quiet til I know you. I think for me personally if I ever date again he will be an open talker...:)...Carole
 
I have something to say, if you are not confortable around him when he is not open that may be a very loud ding ding ding ding..... there is nothing more confortable than to be confortable around a guy you may like, if you are sometimes not confortable, then think in not open up your heart, shield yourself and see him as maybe?! a posible potential and enjoy the process, hope it helps.
 
Well, diva, in my relationship I am the talker and my DH is the listener. But I never feel as if he's holding back. He may not be chatty, but he's very open with his feelings about everything. Come to think of it, my DH was open from the very first date. But not everyone is the same. Give it a little time and see what happens. But, ultimately, communication of feelings is very important, and should be a priority on your dating checklist.
 
I would say you have your answer here, when you say you don't feel connected to someone who doesn't talk. I am similar. My SO and I broke up early this year and I dated someone else for a while, and it was exactly like this. He was a nice guy but very quiet and rarely started a conversation or offered any information about anything - I had to do all of the "prying" to get it. Eventually I realized this was just his personality and it wasn't very well-suited to mine, and the rest is history.

You know what is really bothersome to me? I spent the whole time trying to figure out what was wrong with ME, what could I do to make the situation better, etc. Sometimes we have to accept it's just the guy!

Anyway, good luck.
 
Thanks for all the advice. I think I'm going to leave myself open to dating others because I don't know where this is going and who knows what this guy is thinking.

Tina
 
Tina,
I just wanted to add something, sort of along the lines of what Nancy said. I think there is a difference between being chatty/friendly and being open emotionally. My DH is quiet but open emotionally; we talk about things and he lets me know how much I mean to him. So I can deal with the everyday quietness but if he were enotionally closed, that would be different.

My big sis gave me some great relationship advice when DH and I were dating and I had some concerns. She said, you can never depend on someone else changing. All you can do is decide what YOU can and cannot live with, and go from there. Hope that helps.

Good luck to you!

Sparrow


____________________
www.scifichics.com
 
This is so funny, because my DH is exactly the same way. We have been married for mmmm 18 years. It still aggravates me that I have to ask a million and 1 questions to get the story. I don't know if it is a guy thing, but it isn't because he is closed or unemotional, it is because he just doesn't think about sharing all of that information. He also doesn't ask questions of other people, which also drives me nuts. I am always trying to get the stories from him and he always says "I didn't ask that , I didn't ask that." I think it is just his personality.
 
I think this type of behavior is very much a man thing. I just don't believe that men talk this way to each other. I mean really, when was the last time that you saw a man gush about his feelings? I think for the most part they just prefer to either a) Not talk about it or think about it if they can't do anything about it or change it b)Not talk about it, but try to do something about it if they can. Once I learned to accept that my DH wasn't a woman in disguise, I was able to respect our differences, and even admire some of them. That being said, my DH and I do have many great conversations about our opinions of current events, politics, etc. However, I know that I am never going to get the lowdown on his feelings or a blow by blow of a given situation as I would if I were talking to a woman.
 
My advice is definitely give it some time. It's only been 2 months and you only see him once a week. It takes a lot of time to really get to know someone. :)

Good luck!!!!!

He could be holding back because he doesn't feel he's ready to open up all the way, just yet.

:)
 
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