Lesliemarie:
As Bobbi says, reccovery is a long, hard road, but there is much light at the end of it.
I began my eating disorder aged 15, and it continued unabashed, even as it changed its nature and travelled through many different stages, until I got pregnant aged 28. It wasn't until I reached that age and that moment of having someone else's well-being to think of that I began to see my body as something to respect rather than punish.
That does not mean that everything was hunky-dory after that point. I became rail thin again after this pregnancy, and dieted too drastically after my second pregnancy because I hated my flabby, post-pregnancy body, to the extent that my milk dried up and my baby was hungry, which I do not really forgive myself for. I loved breast feeding and was very sad to have to give it up. I felt I had failed my daughter.
What I have realized is that control is very much at the root of the issue for me, as is my lack of self-esteem. When things got bad, I turned all my anger, disappointment and frustration in upon myself and punished myself by not eating. Basically, if these bad things had happened, it must have been my fault because I wasn't good enough to have made things work out, so therefore I needed to be punished. Jeez, my self-esteem used to be god-awful, understatement.
I am working on it. I think I will never be anorexic or bulimic again, in fact, I know I will not. Like Bobbi, I found something outside of myself that makes life so worthwhile, and like Bobbi, it is my children, my two girls. I know that my mood disorders are gentically transferable to them, and also that my girls can be acculturated by me, unknowingly, to also hate themselves and have low self-esteem. I can no longer go around starving myself, putting my body through maraathon cardio sessions to punish it after I have eaten badly and too much one day, nor can I mutter diatribes of self-loathing around the house, becasue my daughters, and I too, deserve so much more and better than that.
Ultimately, this is the point you must reach: "Lesliemarie, you are worth so much more and better treatment that this". Your parents abused you. You did nothing wrong. You must not punish yourself for their mistakes. You, Lesliemarie, are a more valuable human being and worthy of evryone's respect. Here's where it starts: with you.
For the record: I am in therapy too, and probably will be for some time because my emotional problems were never addressed when they should have been, when I was an adolescent who thought that not eating and being thin, like the models in the magazines I read, would be the answer to my problems.
I turn 40 in May and I like myself better than I ever have done in my life. I now like how I look. I don't look 40, regular exercise helps me stay young and it is my life-line, as running is to Bobbi. I am tall and slim, have just spent 4 weeks training with the Slow & Heavy series and have crafted some great upper body muscle, so now I think I look really good. In fact, yesterday, I felt so good, I strutted to music for two hours in the morning. It has taken a long time to reach this point, but I am so glad i am here. When I look back upon my eating disorder days, I feel sadness most of all. Just think of all the opportunities and social invitations I turned down because I felt so bad about my body. I hate to think of all the time I wasted on self-loathing and self-punishment.
Eating disorders are a crime we perpetrate against ourselves.
Lesliemarie: keep hope alive, stay with your therapy even on bad days when you can't see that it is doing any good and don't feel like going. Those are the days above all others when really surprising self-discoveries can be made. It sure can be painful. I broke down terribly and was rendered speechless and shaking in last Wednesday's session: but the realizations I made will help me to live a better life and stop repeating my self-destructive patterns of behaviour.
Don't hide your problems from others through shame. Don't hide the fact that you go to therapy. Let people who matter to you and who care about you know these things. They can help. Their emotional support will be invaluable to you. I remember reading somehere that what endears us to other people is not our perfection, but rather our very imperfection. No-one can get close to and love someone who is perfect. Such people appear to need no-one. But people who are imperfect, with troubles they are struggling to overcome, are magnets for love, caring and giving from others.
My thoughts are with you, and if you need to print out these responses and keep them to re-read at dificult times, then go-ahead.
Clare
