Another Life Update

[ashaw]

In a few days, it'll be 3 months since I moved in with my mom and step-dad after a violent verbal altercation with my husband. And from what I understand, in 3 months there has been no change in him. Yes, he's seeing a counselor and reading books about marriage, but he is still not doing anything to seek gainful employment. And he's still living on borrowed money.

I wish I could say that things at my mom and step-dad's are going well. Its been difficult to say the least. About a month and a half after I got here, the a/c in my car went out. My mom and step-dad wanted to each help me get it fixed along with the extended warranty I have. My step-dad found a shop and they wanted $5,200 just to fix the a/c and I asked him if it would be OK if I got a estimate from a shop I'd been to before that has a location near the house. It turned out that I got everything important done to the car for just a little more than the other shop's quote solely for the a/c. I paid for the non-a/c stuff. Last Friday, my mom said she wanted to pay for my a/c repairs because Bill pays for everything for her and she has money that she doesn't use. We've had some issues about the temp in the house at bedtime. I can't help it if I get hot. Well, I was coming out of my room Tuesday morning and I hear my mom telling Bill "If I could take back the money I spent fixing her a/c I would do it, she acts like she rules this house" and a few other things I couldn't hear. I was crushed and couldn't believe she would talk about me like that behind my back. She does have memory problems and its like multiple personalities or something. I try to keep my room clean, I help out with chores when I can, I clean up after myself at dinner time, I'm very careful with Luca. I'm walking on eggshells again and my anxiety is running overtime. I had a talk with Bill and he said that she has said things about him and to him that would turn a person's stomach. Today at lunch all she did was complain about her salad because some of the spinach had stems. I heard her just awhile ago complaining to Bill that I control the a/c and I guess it was something about the pantry she was complaining about. Tuesday was probably the worst day of my life. I had a hair appointment and cried through my entire haircut. I even told Bill that if she says I did or said something hurtful to her to please come to me to get the facts straight because I would never do anything like that. Its hard because he's not really "on my side" or anything because his first loyalty is to her, he's not my biological father, nor did he raise me when I was growing up.

Almost every time she opens her mouth, its sarcasm coming out. She complains about her food, about the traffic, about the heat, about the crowds, one time at lunch, I tried to counter every sour comment of hers with something positive. And I've heard the way she talks to Bill a few times and he even told me that most anyone else would've left by now.

The other day she made some comment that "you've lived in so many nice houses, you've traveled the world, you drive a Lexus." I said nothing but wanted to say "yes but look at me now. I have nothing left".

Thank God I have my little workout area where I can start my day with some Pvolve. Right now, my mind, body and nerves are still taxed and Pvolve has been a godsend for me. I can get an intense workout but not feel worn out afterwards.

Now that I just got my car back, I'll be back on the job search. I was going to apply at the Wal-Mart where we shop because they had this huge now hiring sign but when I went to their job postings, they had one opening for a registered pharmacy tech.

About the only bright spot here is Luca. She can turn my mom's frown upside down.

I wanted to thank everyone for their support, this has been a heck of a ride.

 

[vivbc]

You have zero control over your mother’s struggle. People lash out as they lose control.

 

[nickisteen]

Agree! Try to keep a positive attitude! We are here for you.

 

[Braille]

I have been wondering about you, and I'm so glad that you posted. I know you're not asking for advice, but I'm going to offer a few suggestions and you're welcome to take them or leave them as you choose.

First, for the temperature thing... are you by chance in menopause? If so, I found that changing to ALL cotton underwear, tops, and bedding helped a LOT - it keeps me a little cooler, but the main advantage is that it breathes. I can handle a hot day, but that feeling like the world is closing in on you when you have a hot flash... it's different - I can't stand it, and cotton makes THAT feeling not happen. I also use a fan at night, and sleep with one foot and the opposing arm out of the blankets - sounds silly, but one of my girlfriends suggested it, and by golly, it works! lol

It sounds like your mom is a challenging lady to live with, but no matter what's causing her mood swings... know that she loves you. They opened up their home to you because they care about you. Your mom (much like mine who is bi-polar) might not be good at showing love, handling change, etc., but she LOVES you. You love her too, which is what you heard hurts, but try to focus on the love. All you can do is be the best YOU that YOU can be. Her behavior and words are HER responsibility.

When I left my ex... it felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong - the only car I'd managed to salvage in my escape needed repairs (and that's not counting the issues caused by my ex constantly flattening my tires - he had me thinking I was going crazy, because it was a DIFFERENT tire each time! lol). Plumbing in a house I wasn't even staying in (I was in hiding for safety reasons) had issues that would have cost me $30 to fix, if I could have safely returned to the house to do it myself. Instead... I had to hire a plumber and have my dad let him in. The plumber cost $700! PLUS, he cut a hole in the drywall that he ended up not needing, flooded my basement, and the small leak he was supposed to fix...? It was worse! lol Pipes froze at the house I'd moved out of... fridge at the new house kept "peeing on the floor" (stupid ice maker). lol Oh, there was soooo much more that went wrong, but I can laugh about it now.

Anxiety... I can relate. Your mom is "triggering" things in you that are a result of your marriage. Normally, we should try to avoid "triggers", especially at the beginning, which can be a year or two, but when living with someone... that's not possible. I'm concerned that you aren't making any good memories. You're at the 3-month mark, and I found that seeking out experiences and other people helped - not only for support and "healthy" relationships (my gal pals), but the memories... When something awful would happen, or my ex popped up (ex. served me with papers asking the court to order me to pay him $100/day, because he can't cook and eating out was expensive - yes, we were divorced by then lol), I'd find myself frustrated, scared, in tears... and I'd think back on a conversation with a friend (ex. I NEVER use my ex's name when I refer to him - so, one of my friends nicknamed him Earl from a Dixie Chicks song lol), and I'd find myself smiling. Luca brings you joy, but you also need to find a way to balance out your bad experiences and memories with new ones. It doesn't "cure" anxiety, but it gave me a tool to fight against it. My area had a 50+ center (free) that I joined, and I met some amazing ladies - a few, like me, were abuse survivors, which I discovered when I broke out in laughter after making a mistake during line-dance lessons that I found humorous and then broke down in tears, because I felt guilty for being happy (my emotions were ALL over the place). I ran out (embarrassed) and a lady followed me and recognized the situation. She talked me into coming back in (red face and tears, because I'm an ugly crier lol) and all. A few other ladies came out of the class into the lobby and began sharing their stories. I NEVER felt alone after that, and those girls were an important part of my healing, and 2 years later... we're close friends. I can't stress enough the importance of getting out of the house at LEAST 1 day a week to do an activity that puts you out there where you can meet other women - women you don't have to walk on eggshells around - women that will let you be yourself, no matter what YOU looks or feels like on that particular day.

Recovery and rebuilding are rough, but you are on the right track. I admire your strength. You are valuable and so strong (even though you likely don't feel it yet), and you will get through this, and you will come out the other side stronger than you ever imagined.

Feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk - about anything. Talk to process what you're going through - talk about something else to distract yourself from everything. Whatever you need.

 

[ashaw]

I have been wondering about you, and I'm so glad that you posted. I know you're not asking for advice, but I'm going to offer a few suggestions and you're welcome to take them or leave them as you choose.

First, for the temperature thing... are you by chance in menopause? If so, I found that changing to ALL cotton underwear, tops, and bedding helped a LOT - it keeps me a little cooler, but the main advantage is that it breathes. I can handle a hot day, but that feeling like the world is closing in on you when you have a hot flash... it's different - I can't stand it, and cotton makes THAT feeling not happen. I also use a fan at night, and sleep with one foot and the opposing arm out of the blankets - sounds silly, but one of my girlfriends suggested it, and by golly, it works! lol

It sounds like your mom is a challenging lady to live with, but no matter what's causing her mood swings... know that she loves you. They opened up their home to you because they care about you. Your mom (much like mine who is bi-polar) might not be good at showing love, handling change, etc., but she LOVES you. You love her too, which is what you heard hurts, but try to focus on the love. All you can do is be the best YOU that YOU can be. Her behavior and words are HER responsibility.

When I left my ex... it felt like everything that could go wrong went wrong - the only car I'd managed to salvage in my escape needed repairs (and that's not counting the issues caused by my ex constantly flattening my tires - he had me thinking I was going crazy, because it was a DIFFERENT tire each time! lol). Plumbing in a house I wasn't even staying in (I was in hiding for safety reasons) had issues that would have cost me $30 to fix, if I could have safely returned to the house to do it myself. Instead... I had to hire a plumber and have my dad let him in. The plumber cost $700! PLUS, he cut a hole in the drywall that he ended up not needing, flooded my basement, and the small leak he was supposed to fix...? It was worse! lol Pipes froze at the house I'd moved out of... fridge at the new house kept "peeing on the floor" (stupid ice maker). lol Oh, there was soooo much more that went wrong, but I can laugh about it now.

Anxiety... I can relate. Your mom is "triggering" things in you that are a result of your marriage. Normally, we should try to avoid "triggers", especially at the beginning, which can be a year or two, but when living with someone... that's not possible. I'm concerned that you aren't making any good memories. You're at the 3-month mark, and I found that seeking out experiences and other people helped - not only for support and "healthy" relationships (my gal pals), but the memories... When something awful would happen, or my ex popped up (ex. served me with papers asking the court to order me to pay him $100/day, because he can't cook and eating out was expensive - yes, we were divorced by then lol), I'd find myself frustrated, scared, in tears... and I'd think back on a conversation with a friend (ex. I NEVER use my ex's name when I refer to him - so, one of my friends nicknamed him Earl from a Dixie Chicks song lol), and I'd find myself smiling. Luca brings you joy, but you also need to find a way to balance out your bad experiences and memories with new ones. It doesn't "cure" anxiety, but it gave me a tool to fight against it. My area had a 50+ center (free) that I joined, and I met some amazing ladies - a few, like me, were abuse survivors, which I discovered when I broke out in laughter after making a mistake during line-dance lessons that I found humorous and then broke down in tears, because I felt guilty for being happy (my emotions were ALL over the place). I ran out (embarrassed) and a lady followed me and recognized the situation. She talked me into coming back in (red face and tears, because I'm an ugly crier lol) and all. A few other ladies came out of the class into the lobby and began sharing their stories. I NEVER felt alone after that, and those girls were an important part of my healing, and 2 years later... we're close friends. I can't stress enough the importance of getting out of the house at LEAST 1 day a week to do an activity that puts you out there where you can meet other women - women you don't have to walk on eggshells around - women that will let you be yourself, no matter what YOU looks or feels like on that particular day.

Recovery and rebuilding are rough, but you are on the right track. I admire your strength. You are valuable and so strong (even though you likely don't feel it yet), and you will get through this, and you will come out the other side stronger than you ever imagined.

Feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk - about anything. Talk to process what you're going through - talk about something else to distract yourself from everything. Whatever you need.

Thank you so much. Your kindness and compassion never ceases to amaze me.

I'm already post menopause after my hysterectomy even though I was left with one ovary. The whole nighttime temp thing is that I was used to sleeping in a house where the a/c was set to 71 at night. When I arrived here, it was a bit warmer and after my mom and I clashed in a few middle of the night thermostat wars, Bill (stepdad) said he would turn it down to 74 early to cool the house down and then to 75 at bedtime. I even told them that I'm fine at 74 and would never ask to go lower than what its set on during the day, but now I've been accused of controlling the a/c. Its not so much the temperature as it is the lack of air circulation. And yes, I've been up since 2:30 this morning and I tried running a fan in my room and it was too noisy and didn't really make a difference. I've slept on top of the sheets as well. So I spent a small fortune on a thing for my bed called the Perfectly Snug. Its like an air conditioned mattress topper.

Around 2:30, I woke up to go to the bathroom and saw the light on and waited a bit and when I came out again my mom was in the hallway and asked very sarcastically "Going somewhere?" and I said, "Yes just to the bathroom, I was waiting for you to be finished". She goes ahead of me and slams the bathroom door shut and then goes in her room and slams and locks the doors. She was slamming kitchen cabinets and drawers at 4 AM. But you're absolutely right, this has triggered my anxiety big time. I can say that I was beginning to make marked improvements over this past 3 months until this last week.

I've been in a women's domestic abuse support group for a few months and its great, except now, thanks to a drastic cut in federal funding, the women's center had to not only cut back on services but also lay off 5 counselors and the remaining ones have to absorb the others' groups, so now my group meets every other week, not every week. Bill keeps talking about church groups, but I've never had the best of luck at women's church things. Not that I won't give it another try, but right now I'm seeking free 1:1 counseling. That is what I need, someone I can talk to face to face, even if its on zoom.

The other thing I'm concerned about is my mom's diet. She eats Cheerios for breakfast and pretty much Cheerios for dinner every night, unless she has a microwave stir fry meal. Lunch is a salad or sandwich. I've expressed concern with Bill that she might not be getting enough nourishment and might even have some deficiencies, but he said that's a losing battle.

Thank you again for sharing all you've been though, you are such an amazing and kind person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Braille]

Ashaw, thank you for your kind words. Also, thanks for mentioning the Perfect Snugly. I have not heard of that, but I'm going to look it up. I am always looking for ways to be more comfortable in my own body when it's throwing a "tantrum". lol I, too, would struggle in a house set at 74/75.

Your mom, has she always been this way? If not... is there the possibility of dementia? I've heard of people having anger issues with some types of dementia.

I'm glad you found a group and counselling, but you're absolutely right... that is not frequent enough, especially with the stress of being in a home where you have to walk on eggshells. I was not able to go to counselling, as my son is disabled and would have had to come with me (I couldn't let him hear what I was going through) and I have no spare money and my at-home job does not provide insurance.

I have overcome many obstacles, but I still have "issues" - setting goals and facing fears has helped a LOT, but it's been two years and I'm still terrified of men that are bigger than me (which is most of them lol). I can now make myself stay in a line at Walmart when a man gets in line behind me (rather than giving up my place and moving to a longer line), but my body still responds with fear (anxiety - have trouble controlling my breathing, faster heartrate, sometimes... tremors, etc.). I can't seem to overcome this on my own. I can now, however, interact with men that I have come to know and trust, but the process of getting to that point is slow for me. I also have night terrors - less often, but that's mostly because now my body won't let me go to sleep. If you find a free online or phone counselling service... could you share the info with me? I have other issues too - all much better than before, but if it's possible to be more fully healed, I'd like to take those steps. I am so happy and so proud of everything I've accomplished, but it's like a fitness journey... I still have work to do. But I'm stuck - I've done as much on my own and with research as I can. My friends and family accept me as I am - "quirks and all", but I'd really like to push myself further - I feel I'm finally living my best life, but if "best" wasn't limited by remaining "issues"... there might be more of life that I could be learning from and exploring and maybe even contributing to. Not sure if that makes sense, but if you find any free resources... I'd sure be interested.

I know what you're talking about with church. I find "peace" in going to church. I even had support and prayers from a few women that I eventually confided in. The church groups, though... I've never been to a church that had a group specifically for domestic abuse. They only had groups for serving the community and that type of thing - I didn't have it in me at the beginning (or for quite some time) to help others. I was in survival mode - fight or flight.

I really wish I had a suggestion for your triggers, but I don't. You've probably already learned about the affects of abuse on the nervous system, and I can assure you that it DOES get better (as you were discovering at the beginning) - the triggers will become less frequent (mine have not completely disappeared, but they are very infrequent and less things cause them now) and the panic/anxiety reduces (more controllable - doesn't run your life anymore). But for me, at least... I had to surround myself with calm people, spend time by myself, and go out of my way to create peace. I had to bring things that brought me joy into my life - to distract me from my troubles and to learn how to handle good emotions (hadn't felt "good" for decades). - and to balance out the pain and chaos. When my ex would come after me again... He'd set me back (emotionally, which negatively affected my nervous system), but never back to ground zero. So, your ability to create a peaceful environment is going to be hampered by whatever is causing your mom's issues - it's being delayed - but not brought to a stand-still. If it helps... from this end, it does look like you've made substantial progress. You are recognizing triggers (I had no idea what was going on with me), you aren't hiding what happened to you (victims often blame themselves for things they didn't do or cause - denial), you're getting help, and you've identified the next step (apply for jobs) and have actively been working towards that goal. So, if you were wondering... you've got this. Your living situation is unfortunate, but it IS temporary. The rest of your life - the life you're building - the person you're becoming through your recovery is NOT temporary. Remind yourself every day that this journey is worth it. It WILL pay off, and you will look back and be amazed at what you accomplished.

 

[Braille]

Oh, Ashaw... I forgot to mention something. You've probably know about the 5 stages of grief. Some of us grieve during the marriage... some us after, but we need to grieve for the loss of the man that never existed (the man he presented himself to be) - the man we thought he was before he became abusive. One of those stages is anger. If you haven't already done so... the anger stage... well, it's a bit brutal. I had Cathe help me out with that stage. lol I didn't have the time to work out regularly, but I managed to squeeze in a few Kickbox/MMA workouts - it helped and rushed me through and out of that stage in about a week! lol I physically released every angry thought that crossed my mind. So... if you need to, punch and kick it out.

 

[ashaw]

Ashaw, thank you for your kind words. Also, thanks for mentioning the Perfect Snugly. I have not heard of that, but I'm going to look it up. I am always looking for ways to be more comfortable in my own body when it's throwing a "tantrum". lol I, too, would struggle in a house set at 74/75.

Your mom, has she always been this way? If not... is there the possibility of dementia? I've heard of people having anger issues with some types of dementia.

I'm glad you found a group and counselling, but you're absolutely right... that is not frequent enough, especially with the stress of being in a home where you have to walk on eggshells. I was not able to go to counselling, as my son is disabled and would have had to come with me (I couldn't let him hear what I was going through) and I have no spare money and my at-home job does not provide insurance.

I have overcome many obstacles, but I still have "issues" - setting goals and facing fears has helped a LOT, but it's been two years and I'm still terrified of men that are bigger than me (which is most of them lol). I can now make myself stay in a line at Walmart when a man gets in line behind me (rather than giving up my place and moving to a longer line), but my body still responds with fear (anxiety - have trouble controlling my breathing, faster heartrate, sometimes... tremors, etc.). I can't seem to overcome this on my own. I can now, however, interact with men that I have come to know and trust, but the process of getting to that point is slow for me. I also have night terrors - less often, but that's mostly because now my body won't let me go to sleep. If you find a free online or phone counselling service... could you share the info with me? I have other issues too - all much better than before, but if it's possible to be more fully healed, I'd like to take those steps. I am so happy and so proud of everything I've accomplished, but it's like a fitness journey... I still have work to do. But I'm stuck - I've done as much on my own and with research as I can. My friends and family accept me as I am - "quirks and all", but I'd really like to push myself further - I feel I'm finally living my best life, but if "best" wasn't limited by remaining "issues"... there might be more of life that I could be learning from and exploring and maybe even contributing to. Not sure if that makes sense, but if you find any free resources... I'd sure be interested.

I know what you're talking about with church. I find "peace" in going to church. I even had support and prayers from a few women that I eventually confided in. The church groups, though... I've never been to a church that had a group specifically for domestic abuse. They only had groups for serving the community and that type of thing - I didn't have it in me at the beginning (or for quite some time) to help others. I was in survival mode - fight or flight.

I really wish I had a suggestion for your triggers, but I don't. You've probably already learned about the affects of abuse on the nervous system, and I can assure you that it DOES get better (as you were discovering at the beginning) - the triggers will become less frequent (mine have not completely disappeared, but they are very infrequent and less things cause them now) and the panic/anxiety reduces (more controllable - doesn't run your life anymore). But for me, at least... I had to surround myself with calm people, spend time by myself, and go out of my way to create peace. I had to bring things that brought me joy into my life - to distract me from my troubles and to learn how to handle good emotions (hadn't felt "good" for decades). - and to balance out the pain and chaos. When my ex would come after me again... He'd set me back (emotionally, which negatively affected my nervous system), but never back to ground zero. So, your ability to create a peaceful environment is going to be hampered by whatever is causing your mom's issues - it's being delayed - but not brought to a stand-still. If it helps... from this end, it does look like you've made substantial progress. You are recognizing triggers (I had no idea what was going on with me), you aren't hiding what happened to you (victims often blame themselves for things they didn't do or cause - denial), you're getting help, and you've identified the next step (apply for jobs) and have actively been working towards that goal. So, if you were wondering... you've got this. Your living situation is unfortunate, but it IS temporary. The rest of your life - the life you're building - the person you're becoming through your recovery is NOT temporary. Remind yourself every day that this journey is worth it. It WILL pay off, and you will look back and be amazed at what you accomplished.

Thank you so much! Your kindness overwhelms me. I did get my Perfectly Snug topper today, I paid a small fortune for it as well as expedited shipping so I wouldn't have to wait 15-20 days for it to be built and ship from Canada. I put it on my bed and tested it and I think its going to work.

I knew that my mom had some memory problems, but I've finally been able to have some heart to heart conversations with my step-dad and she does have dementia, as I've long suspected. Yesterday afternoon, she was watering plants in the front yard and stepped on one of the rocks around the flowerbeds and fell backwards but managed to break the fall but really hurt her backside. She has ischial bursitis so she's had a lot of pain in that region for many years. My stepdad called an ambulance and she got checked at the hospital and thankfully nothing was broken. Its a roller coaster of a week. This afternoon out of the blue, my stepdad says, mom would like you to come visit her. And we talked like it was no big deal. She was mad at me this morning. Its like its been one thing after another: my things under the bathroom sink, using the washing machine, the shower curtain, the house a/c, the pantry, even being friendly with some of the neighbors, everyday is something new that triggers her. She has ups and downs and lot of mood swings. My anxiety this past week was almost paralyzing because I knew she was mad at me for reasons nobody knew and I knew she was complaining about me to Bill.

Tomorrow is 3 months that I've been here and I did learn from my group that we all have internal smoke alarms, except when trauma is repeated over a number of years, the smoke alarm goes off even when a match is lit. When I heard that analogy, I thought yes, that makes perfect sense why I react the way I do. So, the walking on eggshells because of my mom's problems is setting off my smoke alarm.

I hear you on the church thing. My husband and I used to go to church and it was enjoyable. However, I was in some women's Bible study groups and I never fit in because there were the women with younger children (childcare was provided) and the older ladies. At the time I was in my 30's with no children and I was always odd man out.

But thank you, and one thing I struggled with was blaming myself. Like if I had just said this or not said that he wouldn't have exploded with his temper.

I remember shortly after I found out about the foreclosure, I was doing Rev'd Up Rumble and cussing out the owners of the house while kicking and punching! One thing and I think it was because I didn't work much during my marriage and when I did, it wasn't at high paying jobs, was I never confronted my husband and told him that he needed to take responsibility and quit living off other people. From what I understand, he still has no job, a friend "loaned" him some more money, the car he's driving belonged a man who lived in a homeless shelter and he died a month ago, no will no heirs, and my husband has no claim to the car, and he's run out of some of his medications.

Right now Pvolve has been a godsend fitness wise because its tough but in a different way from a heavy weight training workout.

 

[Braille]

Thank you so much! Your kindness overwhelms me. I did get my Perfectly Snug topper today, I paid a small fortune for it as well as expedited shipping so I wouldn't have to wait 15-20 days for it to be built and ship from Canada. I put it on my bed and tested it and I think its going to work.

I knew that my mom had some memory problems, but I've finally been able to have some heart to heart conversations with my step-dad and she does have dementia, as I've long suspected. Yesterday afternoon, she was watering plants in the front yard and stepped on one of the rocks around the flowerbeds and fell backwards but managed to break the fall but really hurt her backside. She has ischial bursitis so she's had a lot of pain in that region for many years. My stepdad called an ambulance and she got checked at the hospital and thankfully nothing was broken. Its a roller coaster of a week. This afternoon out of the blue, my stepdad says, mom would like you to come visit her. And we talked like it was no big deal. She was mad at me this morning. Its like its been one thing after another: my things under the bathroom sink, using the washing machine, the shower curtain, the house a/c, the pantry, even being friendly with some of the neighbors, everyday is something new that triggers her. She has ups and downs and lot of mood swings. My anxiety this past week was almost paralyzing because I knew she was mad at me for reasons nobody knew and I knew she was complaining about me to Bill.

Tomorrow is 3 months that I've been here and I did learn from my group that we all have internal smoke alarms, except when trauma is repeated over a number of years, the smoke alarm goes off even when a match is lit. When I heard that analogy, I thought yes, that makes perfect sense why I react the way I do. So, the walking on eggshells because of my mom's problems is setting off my smoke alarm.

I hear you on the church thing. My husband and I used to go to church and it was enjoyable. However, I was in some women's Bible study groups and I never fit in because there were the women with younger children (childcare was provided) and the older ladies. At the time I was in my 30's with no children and I was always odd man out.

But thank you, and one thing I struggled with was blaming myself. Like if I had just said this or not said that he wouldn't have exploded with his temper.

I remember shortly after I found out about the foreclosure, I was doing Rev'd Up Rumble and cussing out the owners of the house while kicking and punching! One thing and I think it was because I didn't work much during my marriage and when I did, it wasn't at high paying jobs, was I never confronted my husband and told him that he needed to take responsibility and quit living off other people. From what I understand, he still has no job, a friend "loaned" him some more money, the car he's driving belonged a man who lived in a homeless shelter and he died a month ago, no will no heirs, and my husband has no claim to the car, and he's run out of some of his medications.

Right now Pvolve has been a godsend fitness wise because its tough but in a different way from a heavy weight training workout.

Dementia is a cruel disease. It is often as hard or harder on the loved ones than on the one that suffers from it. I'm glad you got to have a normal conversation with your mom. I have a friend that treasures those moments, as her mom has Alzheimer's.

I've never tried Pvolve, but I'd read in past posts over the years that you had found it to be the right workout for you at times. It sounds like this is one of those times. You've had years of practice with listening to your body, so you know what is best for it. It always amazes me how fitness can affect my mind. There were times that I used it for mental/emotional reasons as much as for the physical benefits.

Your husband will suffer for the choices he's making, but like my ex... we are no longer responsible for their choices. I am a Christian, so I "prayed for my enemy" and left it at that. lol Your focus has to be on yourself. I had to learn that putting myself first was not selfish - it was necessary. After my body/mind got out of fight or flight mode... then, I had something to give to others - those that appreciate love and time and effort - my family and friends. I'll tell you what my female cousin (now happily married for decades, but a survivor of her first husband's abuse): "Don't let him live rent free in your head." lol Yeah, we're kind of "redneck" lol, but she was right. Every moment of thought that you give to him takes a moment from you that you could have spent on self-care. It's easier said than done, but get HIM out of your head as soon as possible. I found that to be challenging when I was still being "triggered" frequently, so I imagine it will be even more difficult for you, as you are living with someone that triggers you. Once you get where you're body "calms down" (that's how I thought of it - it was soooo hyper alert and "on guard"), you will have more control over your emotions and thoughts.

Do you happen to suffer from memory or other cognitive issues? If you do (and your group probably told you this), it's normal for what you've been through. It IS reversible. I didn't know what what was going on, and I thought it was permanent. When the nervous system stabilizes, the brain starts to heal, and the memory/cognitive will slowly but surely come back. I wish I could say my menopause brain farts went away, but unfortunately, I'm stuck with that. lol The brain damage from emotional abuse, though, it was actually viewable on scans when researchers studied it, and it gets better over time. So, if you're having any issues with that... don't panic - your brain starts to rewire itself once it realizes you're safe and your cortisol levels go down (stress hormone really messes with the hippocampus part of our brain and another part that I can't remember the name of.

When your body "settles" (like the fire alarm analogy), your brain will start to follow. You'll see your past as if you were an outsider looking in it - it all becomes crystal clear and you'll see that nothing you did or said caused his behavior - the guilt, the wondering, the "what ifs"... they go away. Until that happens, remind yourself that you left for a reason and that his behavior was and is not your responsibility. I gave myself 2 minutes every day to have doubts and then dismissed them. It took months for me to learn to do that, but ignoring intrusive thoughts wasn't working, so... I let them happen, but set a time-limit for them - just long enough to acknowledge their existence and remind myself that I am not responsible for the choices of others.

You're doing great. You've already identified some of the positives in your life - Pvolve and Luca. You'll find more. Over time, you'll have more positives than negatives. Eventually, you'll be able to look back at your past in almost a detached manner. At least that's how I remember back. My "now" is experienced with a full range of emotions (emotions I had blocked during my marriage to protect myself emotionally), but when I think back... I feel neutral about it - nothing - I remember, but I don't feel. Some of the day to day abuse kind of got foggy in my memory, like all squished together, and now the only clear memories are the most traumatic ones, but they don't affect me emotionally when I'm awake. If I try to sleep... that's a different story. That's where I wish I'd been able to do therapy. I did a lot of research to heal myself as best I could, but everybody's experience is different, so I imagine I would have benefitted from an expert helping me deal with the parts of my experience that can't be generalized and looked up on the internet. I think it takes courage to go to a professional (I didn't have that the first few months), so I really admire your strength and courage. I know you are going to come out of this strong - we rebuild ourselves during the recovery process. So, while being broken really sucks... it is an opportunity to become better than we've ever been. I think of myself as metal. My recovery "welded" me back together, and when something has been welded properly... the weld is the strongest part of that metal. You're going to love the new you. Keep up the good work.

 

[ashaw]

Dementia is a cruel disease. It is often as hard or harder on the loved ones than on the one that suffers from it. I'm glad you got to have a normal conversation with your mom. I have a friend that treasures those moments, as her mom has Alzheimer's.

I've never tried Pvolve, but I'd read in past posts over the years that you had found it to be the right workout for you at times. It sounds like this is one of those times. You've had years of practice with listening to your body, so you know what is best for it. It always amazes me how fitness can affect my mind. There were times that I used it for mental/emotional reasons as much as for the physical benefits.

Your husband will suffer for the choices he's making, but like my ex... we are no longer responsible for their choices. I am a Christian, so I "prayed for my enemy" and left it at that. lol Your focus has to be on yourself. I had to learn that putting myself first was not selfish - it was necessary. After my body/mind got out of fight or flight mode... then, I had something to give to others - those that appreciate love and time and effort - my family and friends. I'll tell you what my female cousin (now happily married for decades, but a survivor of her first husband's abuse): "Don't let him live rent free in your head." lol Yeah, we're kind of "redneck" lol, but she was right. Every moment of thought that you give to him takes a moment from you that you could have spent on self-care. It's easier said than done, but get HIM out of your head as soon as possible. I found that to be challenging when I was still being "triggered" frequently, so I imagine it will be even more difficult for you, as you are living with someone that triggers you. Once you get where you're body "calms down" (that's how I thought of it - it was soooo hyper alert and "on guard"), you will have more control over your emotions and thoughts.

Do you happen to suffer from memory or other cognitive issues? If you do (and your group probably told you this), it's normal for what you've been through. It IS reversible. I didn't know what what was going on, and I thought it was permanent. When the nervous system stabilizes, the brain starts to heal, and the memory/cognitive will slowly but surely come back. I wish I could say my menopause brain farts went away, but unfortunately, I'm stuck with that. lol The brain damage from emotional abuse, though, it was actually viewable on scans when researchers studied it, and it gets better over time. So, if you're having any issues with that... don't panic - your brain starts to rewire itself once it realizes you're safe and your cortisol levels go down (stress hormone really messes with the hippocampus part of our brain and another part that I can't remember the name of.

When your body "settles" (like the fire alarm analogy), your brain will start to follow. You'll see your past as if you were an outsider looking in it - it all becomes crystal clear and you'll see that nothing you did or said caused his behavior - the guilt, the wondering, the "what ifs"... they go away. Until that happens, remind yourself that you left for a reason and that his behavior was and is not your responsibility. I gave myself 2 minutes every day to have doubts and then dismissed them. It took months for me to learn to do that, but ignoring intrusive thoughts wasn't working, so... I let them happen, but set a time-limit for them - just long enough to acknowledge their existence and remind myself that I am not responsible for the choices of others.

You're doing great. You've already identified some of the positives in your life - Pvolve and Luca. You'll find more. Over time, you'll have more positives than negatives. Eventually, you'll be able to look back at your past in almost a detached manner. At least that's how I remember back. My "now" is experienced with a full range of emotions (emotions I had blocked during my marriage to protect myself emotionally), but when I think back... I feel neutral about it - nothing - I remember, but I don't feel. Some of the day to day abuse kind of got foggy in my memory, like all squished together, and now the only clear memories are the most traumatic ones, but they don't affect me emotionally when I'm awake. If I try to sleep... that's a different story. That's where I wish I'd been able to do therapy. I did a lot of research to heal myself as best I could, but everybody's experience is different, so I imagine I would have benefitted from an expert helping me deal with the parts of my experience that can't be generalized and looked up on the internet. I think it takes courage to go to a professional (I didn't have that the first few months), so I really admire your strength and courage. I know you are going to come out of this strong - we rebuild ourselves during the recovery process. So, while being broken really sucks... it is an opportunity to become better than we've ever been. I think of myself as metal. My recovery "welded" me back together, and when something has been welded properly... the weld is the strongest part of that metal. You're going to love the new you. Keep up the good work.

Wow! Thank you once again for your compassion and some great nuggets of wisdom.

I made an interesting observation about my mom and I'm not sure if its just a total coincidence, but she the doctor who treated her at the ER gave her a muscle relaxer and I noticed a huge turnaround in her personality a few hours after she took it. Its like it calmed down all her agitation. When I was in school to become a CNA, we covered quite a bit about dementia/Alzheimer's and I remember one thing was about the agitation and jitters one can experience with that illness. I'm certainly going to mention that to my stepdad and see if the thinks the same thing. But ever since she wanted me to come to talk to her when she was resting, things between us have been back to normal. I did notice she was very agitated over the past week. I told my stepdad that he is a prince among men. He is so loving, gentle and patient with my mom no matter how she is treating him. He worked very hard and retired after a 35 year career as a financial analyst with Exxon Mobil, so my mom wants for nothing and when the time comes that she needs special care, she will get it. And it hit me right between the eyes that if not for him, I would be the one caring for her.

My bed topper worked wonders last night. It was pretty pricey, but sleep is worth it. I even set up the app and programmed in my start, sleep and wake schedule and its supposed to run the fans at different temps and speeds, so we'll see how that goes tonight.

But yes, fitness wise, I've found out how to listen to my body. I remember summer 2023, aka my "Hot Girl STS 2.0 Summer", I was rocking and rolling through all those workouts and did the entire rotation with the total body, upper/lower splits and body parts. My energy was off the charts but I was at a different place mentally and emotionally. Things in my marriage certainly weren't great, but I wasn't facing the pressure of the loss of a home and a job with almost unrealistic expectations.

I have a very close relationship with my husband's sister and she has been on the receiving end of his verbal outbursts as well. She talked to him a few days ago and tried to give him advice and he started raising his voice and hung up on her. Her exact words were "he hasn't changed". She also told him "have you given any thought to that fact that she might want to see you obtain employment and take responsibility for your life before she considers coming back?"

And you are absolutely right, I left for a reason. I thank you again for your kindness and compassion.

 

[aqua girl]

ashaw, wishing you all the best, sounds like you are moving in the right direction. I'm sorry about your mom,
I know that has to be hard.

Give yourself & Luca an extra special hug from me Take care.

 

[nickisteen]

Ditto!!