Self Esteem

P

Pollytc

Cathlete
Hello. This is sort of hard for me to post, but I also thought this would be a great group for advice. I have had problems with self-esteem almost my entire life, but not always REALLY bad, if that makes sense. About 12 or 13 years ago, it started getting really low. My exhusband was very abusive on a mental and emotional level, and nothing I ever did was good enough or how I looked was never right, etc. (even when I was a size 5). Anyhow, from there he started cheating, etc. and the self-esteem got even lower. We have been divorced now for four years, and though I think my self-esteem has gotten better, alot of people lately have pointed out to me about how I have such a low self-esteem. Are there any books or any reading of sorts that anybody could recommend for me to buy or read? I really want to work on this bad.

Thanks,

Kim
 
Kim,

I was a psychology major in college and currently applying to grad schools to get my PhD. From what I learned, I would recommend reading anything by Martin Seligman that has to do with 'rational emotive therapy'. He has done a lot of research on people who tend to think negative thoughts (about themselves as well as other things) which often leads to low self-esteem and depression.

His method is very simple yet effective. He teaches you to recognize when you are having negative self-thoughts, and replace them with more positive ones. Gradually, over time, you begin to change your way of thinking and feel better about yourself. Research has shown that this type of therapy is very effective.

On a personal note, I have had problems in the past with self-esteem (actually, more like body-esteem as I was diagnosed with an eating disorder). My therapist used this rational emotive therapy approach with me and it really helped. I hope this helps you too!

Alison
 
Kim,
Coming from a person who was hospitalized for anorexia and who was put on suicide watch in a video taped room for a 3 month period, I think I can relate. My self esteem was very, very low. I didn't read any books on the subject (although my friend did buy me some Sark books when I was in the hospital, and I remember enjoying those immensly), but one thing I started doing was paying more attention to myself. I looked at the way I treated other people and it was almost always much better than the way I treated myself. I started to workout with Cathe's tapes - not to lose weight to impress someone else - but to relieve stress and make myself feel proud. I remember the first time I finished Imax without modifications. I felt like I could do anything. I used to think 'me' time was selfish. Now I realize it is a necessity. How the heck am I supposed to care for and comfort others, when I'm not doing those things for myself? Not sure if you want to heed this advice, but I also got a lot out of therapy. Just talking to someone about all the crap in my head for an hour a week, really helped, even though it didn't seem that way at the time.
 
Hi Kim,

I am not a therapist or a psychologist but there is one thing that has kept me alive, literally and figuratively, all this time and that is writing. A lot has been written about the health benefits of journalling, which is what I do when I feel like wanting to out myself. And there have been thousands of times when I sorely longed to do that. Get yourself a notebook. Any notebook. Write whatever comes to mind. When my father died 5 years ago, a big part of me died as well. Until now I'm still not past it. He was my number one man and was one of the very few people who loved me unconditionally. There simply is no substitute for a person like that. When I get into the usual downward spiral I write in my notebook starting each line with "What matters now is..." When I gave birth to my son, it was a happy occasion and yet I felt like something so important and meaningful inside of me had been severed, like I had been reduced to nothing. I have been grappling with this in many notebooks for the last three years. I don't understand how much I can love my son and yet feel such ugliness. During my most difficult moments as "mom" I write, starting each line with "I am thankful for..." Whenever I do this I always find that I am so blessed DESPITE, REGARDLESS, NO MATTER WHAT. I am actually thinking of making a career shift towards helping people use their creativity as a way of resolving difficult issues. I don't know how I'm going to do this and when, my son is at a demanding age, but I know this is what I want to do from here. If you're interested in taking this route, e-mail me for a list of books that have helped me immensely. I hope these will help you too.


Pinky:7
 
Wow!! You guys are awesome. I have always been the type to always want to make others happy, therefore I put everything and everybody before myself. It has always been important to me that I be "liked" and I guess I really need to focus more on myself. I have an extremely low body self-esteem. Even when I had a cute figure!! This is how pathetic I am.........I will literally talk to some guy who seems very nice over the computer, yet when and if we decide we should meet, I will back out because I am so afraid that he will be disappointed when he sees me in person. The strange this is, I do get asked out by guys who see me in person (meaning not online), so it is not that I'm all THAT bad. I just have a horrible image of myself. Pinky: can I have your email addy? I would love to get that info from you. I will admit I do feel good about myself when I complete a workout, or do some form of activity, especially if I am being consistent. My thing is, though, staying consistent. This is something else I'm trying to figure out and deal with. I love you guys for giving me such great advice, and anytime you have anything else to throw at me, please do!! You all have overcame alot. That is wonderful.

XOXO,

Kim
 
Hi Kim,

You have received some wonderful advice already. Just wanted to add my two cents.

If you are looking to do some reading, I would do some research on books that are geared toward battered women. While you say you were not physically battered, there is a whole emotional/psychological type of battery that takes places in dysfunctional relationships. This is meant to destroy one's self esteem and make one feel inadequate so that the dominant person can maintain a sense of entitlement and power. The combination of intimacy issues/self esteem/trust etc. can be confusing and reading some books on the subject may give you some insight and some guidance on how to empower yourself again.

Second, I would encourage you to seek some type of counseling. Sometimes when someone is so entrenched in a thought pattern, the perspective of an outside party can start to challenge these thoughts. You can look for someone who specializes in R.E.T. (rational emotive therapy) or get recommendations from trusted friends and family. Remember, you are interviewing the therapist and if you are uncomfortable with him/her, then don't go back. Some therapists even offer a free or discounted first session so you can get a feel for them.

Lastly, I would encourage you to take at least 5 minutes a day and think of all the amazing things you did, or thought, or felt today as to honor them and yourself. They can be any type of task. Using my day as an example, her are some things I might honor a) I did my workout this morning even when I really did want to b) I really listened to a colleague who needed a sounding board c) I exercised patience with my new kitten d) I laughed out loud at something I read (I think you get the picture). So often the little things and the seemingly mundane or ordinary that is done, thought, or felt is overlooked. DON'T LET IT BE! You sound like you recognize the extraordinary in those around you. Now recognize it in yourself.

Good luck!
 
Kim,

I can't offer any suggestions on reading materials, but I can give something from my experience. I have also let someone in my life treat me badly. I did it because I was too afraid to rock the boat; too afraid of confrontation. At the same time, however, I often feel guilty about things that I've done, worrying that I've done or said the wrong thing, and always trying to do more than I really can. A dear friend has told me that I have far higher expectations of myself than I do of others.

I have made exercise my one, real, undeniable refuge. I make it a priority, and it takes a lot for me to miss it. I'm still working on trying to not expect perfection from myself, and to not worry so much and feel so guilty. While I haven't had people tell me my self esteem is low in those exact words, I have had them say, particularly at work, that they can tell I know what I'm talking about, but I need to be more sure of myself. My boss laughs with me, (not at me!) when she can see I expect myself to be perfect and I feel I've fallen short. My parents, particularly my mom, try to impress on me that I shouldn't try to do everything myself, and that it's important to have time to myself. I feel very fortunate to have these people in my life.

Anyway, it's important, as others have said, to understand the good that's in you, and the worthwhile things you do, and to know that while you should always try to do your best, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. It's also good to have someone to talk to, and I'm finding myself that this forum can fill at least part of that need.

I wish you much success with your efforts, and much happiness.

Lisa
 
Hi, Kim!

I think self-esteem is built by living fully in the present moment and putting your very own needs high on your priority list. Whether that's through exercise or doing any other thing you love on a regular basis, it is important to constantly reassure yourself that you are worth loving and should be cared for tenderly, especially by yourself. You also have to let the people in your life know that you are to be treated with love and respect. When you take care of yourself gently, it follows suit that others will too. I have dealt with depression on and off and one of the first indicators is always dropping my self care. I am on my guard against that now and I try to take things as they come, not get to upset over the things outside my control and to try to apprciate the blessings that are so abundant when I stop to take notice of them. Life moves so fast and there are so many things that demand our constant attention, it's easy to let beautiful moments pass unnoticed. But if you stop to look at a flower or the moon or a beautiful sunset, knowing that these moments constitiute our lives and they go by so quickly, you can begin to know that you are such an important part of this world and it is tragic if you let a moment pass not seeing the warmth and beauty that is in you and how it makes the world a nicer place! I think Pinky's suggestion to write is terrific and the advice in this thread awsome! Perhaps you should buy yourslf a beautiful journal. If you want a book, you might try Amazon.com and type in self-esteem. If you find yourslf thinking negative thoughts about yourself, stop it! Keep telling yourslf that you are caring and kind and don't deserve to be beaten up emotionally, especially by you. Think of all the postives and keep exercising and eating well and doing the things that bring you joy! You are a lovely person, warm and kind. Your desire to overcome this is a great first step. One day at a time, Kim, as YOU say. Build yourself up and know that you desrve to be loved and you have a lot of friends out here in cyberspace who are rooting for you!

I am sending you a cyber hug right this moment. Hang in there and you'll find your way!
Chicks's Rule! http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Bobbi
 
All I can say is that every single one of you are amazing. I can relate to each of you in some way with what I struggle with. I just went and re-read what all have said, and I'm extremely emotional right now. I can only imagine what all of you have been through. I want to thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with me, and for the suggestions, which I will definitely put to use!

Bobbi: you really hit home with me when I read about how the self-care goes down the drain. Man, as conscientious as I am about my appearance, that is ooohhhh so true. And then the post (I think it was Pinky? can't remember off the top of my head) about being so hard on yourself and perfectionism in myself......that holds so true. I don't expect perfectionism in anybody at all, and I truly realize people are human, but I disappoint myself often, especially at work if something goes wrong, and with myself for not following through with good eating habits or with exercise. I get "lazy" so to speak and I get very down on myself.

I woke up this morning dreading getting out of the bed (I don't have my daughter today and really nothing fun going on this weekend other than housework and homework.........all my friends have something going on this weekend. Then it is my ex hubby's 20 year class reunion, and several of our friends are going and this will be the first time I did not go with him to a reunion, and his new woman is going with him.......just hit me funny last night as I was talking to friends. We all graduated from the same high school, but I was the year behind most of them...though I get along great with my ex and his woman, it still stung when I found out they are going). Anyhow, I will quit venting, and I will go do something positive for myself today.

Again, thanks for being here and giving me such wonderful advice.

Kim
 
Hi Kim,

I sent you an e-mail. Also, if you don't mind, e-mail me your home address. I went through my bookshelves yesterday and found a couple of books I can pass on to you for starters. Hope you don't mind.:)

Pinky
 
The fact that you do get along with your ex says so much about your wisdom and your strength. Imagine how hard it would be on your daughter if the two of you were at odds. You are very brave. So, what do you love to do that you never do for yourself? I have a massage scheduled this month and I am splurging on some really nice skin care products just because life has seemed a little overwhelming and I need that me stuff. Life is all about my husband and my kids and meeting their needs. What can you do for yourself to say I am worth a little loving care? I woke up thinking how on earth can I fit in a workout when my house needs scrubbing and I am way behind because it's been a crazy week but I think I'll dump those thoughts and get the workout in first because I always feel happier when I do. So thank you for inspirinng me to take my own advice! Have a beautiful day. Take a walk or a bubble bath and keep reassuring yourself about the positives aspects of who you are. A woman recently said something to me about "healing perfectionism" which I thought was very profound. I can't be the perfect mother and wife and house keeper and school voluntee, at least not all at once. But I can be the perfect me! Lower your expectations! The important thing is that you are happy and you take care of the ones you love especially Kim! How old is your daughter? I have a six year-old son and 13 and 14 year-old girls and they are my joy. They really help me keep things in perspective and through them I realize that I have to conquer dark thoughts and anxieties because as I keep saying, life moves so fast and it can be overwhelming unless you bite it off in small peices and focus on the little things that are really important. Like a six year-old who thinks I am the center of the universe and just as importantly, a 14 year-old who thinks I am clueless and uncool but still calls me mommy sometimes when it's just the two of us and I am trying to smooth her way through that oh so difficult time of teenage angst, high school and drama!
Chicks's Rule! http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Bobbi
 
I'll throw in my 2 cents and try to be brief. I was a suicidal teen who decided to cope with drugs and alcohol. That pattern went on into my early thirties. I was a wreck. And now, twenty years later, you remind me that I'm a walking miracle. Saying you lack "self-esteem" can mean a lot of things. The real answers to your questions are the ones that hit your emotions. When you heal those emotions, everything else will start to fall into place. Two authors I can recommend are Carolyn Myss and Karla McLaren. I started with Myss and later found Karla, who has become a personal friend. They both have websites to see if their work is something that interests you. They may look a bit "new agey" but in fact they are very grounded, real people. And remember, everything changes. Healing old/new emotions doesn't mean you won't have emotions anymore. Quite the contrary. It means that instead of avoiding your emotions, you'll embrace them, work through them, and come out the other side ready to start all over again. Cheryl
 
Kim, everyone has given such good advice. I have a history of an eating disorder and one of the many self help books I have that really help me is "Loving Kindness meditation" by Sharon Salzberg. I have the book and the tape. I got mine through Amazon. hths
hugs~
Bec
 
Hi, Bec, here's a link to some meditations at http://www.belifnet.com. Check out Thich Nhat Hanh's breathing meditation. http://www.beliefnet.com/index/index_207.html

I have been reading his many wonderful books. He's a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist. An amazing human being. Last year, I boughy the Insight Meditaion book and CD. It's Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein. My husband calls it meditation in a box. Recently, I have begun to have a little sucess at meditation. It's great for people who think too much!
Chicks's Rule! http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/chicken.gif Bobbi
 
Hi all!! All this advice sure is something to ponder on. Last night I was at Border's (that was an unplanned trip) and realized I forgot my list of wonderful reads at home!! I'll have to make a copy of this thread to keep in my purse!!

Thanks again for all wonderful advice!!

Kim
 
Hi Bobbi, thanks for the links to the meditations. Loving kindness was the first book/tape that I had ever bought regarding meditation and I really enjoyed it.
hugs~
Bec
 
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