Happiness and Spending? Sorry, very long.

F

Fidget Queen

Cathlete
Well, it's Christmas time, and we all know what that means. I don't usually go overboard with Christmas. My mother does, but otherwise my family is pretty normal about the whole excess thing. My problem this year is that I've spent tons of money ON MYSELF and have nothing left.

I've had a really crappy couple of years. I can't blow it out of proportion, because so many have been through REAL tough times. I'm simply not healthy or happy. I have immune trouble and severe acne. I'm 28 years old, I have the energy of a 95 year old, the face of a monster, and I'm losing my hair. I'm trying to finish up a couple of degrees, going to college with kids 10 years younger, beautiful, energetic, and I can't relate to a single one of them. It's taken its toll.

Anyway, for the last several years I have spent too much money on supplements, books, treatments, etc., for my acne, because I've become quite desperate. I've tried treating it conventionally (which hurt me even more) and I've gone the natural, holistic route. Not only has it not improved, it's gotten worse. So within the last year, I became even more drastic. I started to invest in a holistic MD/acupuncturist, in the hopes that he would use his unique perspective to help me. Instead, he took massive amounts of money and gave me no answers. At all. I once spent nearly $400 for a session in which he told me to breath. Through my nose. Deeply. My insurance doesn't cover anyone with "holistic" in their title and I kept with him for months (my fault for being so stupid).

Then I became sick again this fall. Nothing major, but my body halted the acne enough during that time that I saw the horrendous scarring that's happening on my face. It's the permanent pitting that will probably not ever go away. It is devastating. Yes, yes, perspective, I know, but nobody else in my shoes would be happy about it, either. And the comments I get are just... I don't even know the word. Imagine crying every time you have to go in public because you know how cruel people will be. I was so distraught that I immediately went to a dermatology/cosmetology center and threw nearly $3000 at them (that was supposed to pay my bills while in college) for laser treatments. Well, I haven't even been able to use the lasers, because my acne came back with a vengeance. In the meantime, out of depression and desperation, I bought every scarring and acne product I could get my hands on, regardless of the price. I even bought a $700 light therapy thing that the skin centers use (and I haven't even received it yet). I found another acupuncturist who is actually helping me with other problems, but she is expensive, too. My acne hasn't budged, naturally. Oh, and in the meantime, I'm going to countless other doctors, getting tests like they're going out of style. I have PCOS, but no hormone has helped. Doctors are just trained to say "antibiotic" or "accutane." They have no other solutions.

When I'm so unhappy, I'll give away money like it's nothing. But I realized yesterday that I have nothing left. And since I'm going to college more than full time, a real job is out of the question until I'm done (which is soon, at least, so I can't give up now). My acne began nearly 10 years ago, and while it was bad, it was never anything like it is now. But I realize that I was happy and confident before that and I barely spent any money. I could save and save and save, because I didn't wish for anything money can buy (except a few workout videos, but truly, that was my one indulgence). And after so many years of nothing helping my health, I've become convinced that the miracle solution is just a few dollars away. I can't stop spending in hopes that something will make me better. :confused:

As a side note, I'm convinced that this is a American epidemic. For me it's my acne and my health that has made me miserable. But for others it's weight, or a sense of insecurity about whatever... the need to look fashionable, the need to look wealthy, the need to not have cellulite, etc. How does it stop??
 
I don't think it will ever stop until you can step back take a breath and really appreciate yourself for what is really important. People are cruel, . . yes, . .I've managed to meet some pretty big "A" holes in my life but trust me they are not losing sleep at night worrying about your health or your skin, . . they are worrying about themselves. We all have insecurities, . . even the picture perfect model and rich athletes out there have their problems heck look at Tiger Woods, . . .I don't want to sound like some plastic cheer leader or anything but you need to try to focus on your positives. My MIL who just passed away 3 months ago from cancer taught me something that I will never ever forget. Every week I'd visit her with cookies that I either made or bought from my favorite bakery in town. During the last few weeks of her life she could barely eat a crumb and one day when I brought her favorite cookies she looked at me (98lbs, and 5 feet 7", hair thinning, and skin pale) and said "It's funny, . . all my life I've been on a diet, denying myself guilty pleasures like cookies, and french fries, . . .and now I'd give anything to be able to gain some weight." She was the type of person who cared a lot about what she looked like but at the end of her life she realized what was important. It is hard to step back and think that out there, . . . there is someone that is worst off than me. It is hard to be grateful for things that we have because we always want more and want things to be perfect. I've fallen victim to that too. Give yourself some credit. You are going to school, . . .how awesome is that? Some people never get that second chance to go back to school let alone get to go to college at all. I wouldn't doubt you are a great student, . .and comon you are 28. You'll get no sympathy from me, . . I WISH I was 28 again. Things don't sag as much. I'm 34 and getting older every day and would love to be able to go back to school.
Hey hang in there. Try to understand that happiness does not come in a bottle, . . unless it is filled with chocolate or ice cream. :) People will love you for who you are not what your skin looks like. I personally love my stretch marks, and my mountain biking scars, . . I wear them proudly. They personalize me.
 
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janie just want to give you a great big hug right now girl! i am dealing with the rude co worker again. this time it was bad she basically said she didn't see why my husband wanted to be a with a fat ass like me :(. that hurt me deeply but thank you for putting it back in perspective!


to the OP, i think janie is right. we have so much more going for us. i can understand that your immune system health is more important but we have to not let ppl get to us about our looks. i have a few extra lbs to lose while this one woman teases me constantly about it but then again i have a husband who works hard for us and doesn't run around while hers is a drunken bum, they both spend every last dime partying and cheating on each other. so really is my extra weight bothering her or is she jealous of my happy home? the same with you ppl can tease but are they jealous of something else? i bet you are highly intelligent, a caring soul,a hard worker and many don't get that and it makes them jealous and angry so instead of confronting themselves to make a change that you have they would rather knock you down to their level.

i am sorry you are going through so much but i would focus on your kids, your schooling and taking care of YOU! i am 31 and still get it here and there but i can let that keep me from smiling either. i do understand like i said above i have the same person knocking me down day after day so its hard to stay afloat but we have to keep working and break that tape in our heads that we what these negative ppl say. its simply no true we have so much more then that to offer and that is why we are loved.

kassia
 
i want to give you a hug too!! {{HUGGGGGS}}

i agree with everything these ladies have posted; you have to focus on the positives in your life, look at what you have accomplished and what you WILL accomplish once youre done with school (graduating with a degree is a huge accomplishment in itself!!!).

this is going to sound corny; i had severe acne from when i was 15 until i was about 25 (im also 28). i tried every OTC product out there and like you, the derms had no idea how to handle my skin. i hated going out in public and after a shower, i didnt even leave the bathroom without putting makeup on, thats how much i cared what people thought. i was miserable and i tried to compensate by buying all these nice clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc to make up for what my outer appearance lacked. then about 2 years ago i actually sat back and said wtf am i doing? why do i care what people think? i started eating better, working out consistently, and surrounded myself with people who cared about me and valued who i was as a person. eventually, i felt better about myself and i stopped trying to medicate with material things. in a few months, my acne cleared and i havent had any flare ups for 2 1/2 years!! i can walk around bare-faced in front of people now, and it is such a liberating feeling.

i know its hard but try to focus more on whats going on inside, and eventually the outside will reflect that!

HTH :)
 
You sound like you feel so alone, but please know that everybody, and I mean every single person in the world, struggles and feels pain too. I don't say this to diminish your pain in any way, but to let you know that you should try not to let your pain alienate you from the rest of the world. I'm a little bit older than you are (32), and the older I get, the more I see that I wasted precious time feeling down about myself for whatever reason. I cared way too much what other people thought of me and didn't bother to really think of what I wanted out of life. Now I know that I'm really not that awful, that we all have our insecurities and doubts, but we can't let them rule us. I know it's a huge cliche, but it's so true that you have to love yourself and not let other people's harsh judgments prevent you from honoring yourself. Whatever the "horrible flaw" is (acne, weight, etc.) we need to make sure that we value ourselves in a real, deep way. All life is sacred, including our own.

Lately I've been babying my skin with facial steams, raw honey masks, baking soda/cetaphil masks, and apple cider vinegar treatments. My acne hasn't disappeared completely (it's not severe), but my skin texture has greatly improved (much softer, smaller pores) and I feel so much better when I slow down and do these easy, fun (and super CHEAP) at-home spa treatments. Lately I follow the treatment with yoga and a healthy meal, and I just feel wonderful.

(((hugs)))
 
My heart goes out to you.

As someone who lived in India, travelled quite widely, and now moved to Malaysia, I think this is not an American phenomenon. It is a worldwide phenomenon, except degree varies. In more affluent parts of the world the standards (for weight, appearance, figure) are higher (and the lengths the average person will go to in pursuit of them is proportinately more) than in less affluent places.

Your acne sounds much more of a big deal to me, than an obsession with some unrealistic, "perfect" goal. So you need a big hug and understanding from yourself for the choices you made with spending.

They say accepting and recognizing the issue is the first step to overcoming. You write so rationally to analyse why you spend on treatments.

Can you consider giving yourself three months to stop any new treatments and just focus on living as healthily (eating nutritions, adequately fibrous, non-greasy, non-refined carb diet and regular exercise) as you can? Tell yourself you will reconsider treatments after the three month moratorium. Perhaps, try to limit time with people who are rude and insensitive or with whom you dont relate to the minimum and spend as much time as possible with relationships that are nurturing. (ETA: I dont mean to imply that you arent eating healthy or are not exercising - my own stress/zit bouts of my youthful years were never helped by any treatments. Regular exercise, eating reasonably clean and trying to destress were the only things that helped.)

Hugs.
 
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FidgetQueen, I can feel your pain, anguish and desperation crying out through the screen. The pain of very bad acne, given that it's right there on your face, visible to all and can't be hidden, is just excruciating and I'm so sorry you have to go through that.

I would only have this to offer: stress is a trigger for acne and a whole bunch of other things, so it's a perpetuating cycle. The more you freak out about it, and make extreme purchases to deal with it and the more it doesn't work, the more stressed you get and the acne gets worse.

My recommendation would be to spend the money that you are currently spending on acne care on therapy instead.

You need to find a way to love you, regardless of what you look like and what others think of you. Acupuncturists can't offer you that. Maybe if you can find a way to calm down, give yourself lots of warm loving embraces, your skin will respond. But even if it doesn't, we don't care about our skin for its own sake - we care about our skin because we want to be loved and cared for- and that starts with loving and caring for ourselves. A good therapist will help you feel joy, love and compassion for yourself, regardless of what some bumps on your face may be doing.
 
Thanks everyone. I am so incredibly touched by your support and understanding. I agree with each and every one of you. Completely. I'm not sure if the realization regarding what I've been doing is a revelation or not, but it just became more clear, if that makes sense. I'd become so desperate that I have been willing to throw my money in every direction, feeling that something had to work out.

After thinking about it all day, I've put myself on a strict no spending budget. Essentials only. I will be receiving Shock Cardio, so that will be my Christmas treat. A part of me wants to cancel, but I paid so long ago and end up buying all Cathe's anyway. Besides saving money that I no longer have, it will free up a lot of time that I spend researching. I'm not sure what in the heck I'd do with myself if I ever did "fix" things. Not procrastinate on my studying, perhaps? :)

I agree about the stress, too. Even though I know something more is going on than simply "stress" it may well have been the trigger to begin with and may be what makes my health as bad as it is. I have been looking for decent therapists for two years now. It's not as easy as it seems, and so far it's an ongoing process. All of them simply want to talk for 15 minutes, throw several medications on me, and check back in in a month (I've had to see ones on my insurance plan; once my insurance changes, I hope to have more luck!). I will be graduating very soon, as well, so will not have to come back to campus and deal with the people who give me the greatest grief.

I think it is part of human nature to "fix" things or "hunt" for things. We need a goal. I just think we pick dumba$$ things to make our goal, things we can't do much about or things that don't matter in the long run. (Ok, I pick inappropriate goals, not everybody :)) Perhaps that is part of my problem, as well. Not being able to make long-term, important decisions makes me obsess over the small things.

I think my real obsession with my face started when the doctor I had been seeing for awhile (after not helping me any useful information) stated that it was a shame that I'd "let" my face get so out of control, because now the "deficits" in my skin were permanent. He was so condescending and rude, essentially blaming me for my acne. It hurt and made me feel pretty hopeless. Many people have said rude things, but a doctor I had dedicated myself to for months, knowing how hard I was trying had no business saying something like that. That was a stupid trigger, but a trigger none-the-less.
 
Hey just because someone is a Dr. and has a degree doesn't mean that they should be or that they are any good at it for that matter. Go find another Dr. I've had similar experiences too with bad Dr.'s. One told me to just be a couch potato when he saw the scars on my legs from mountain biking. I'm not going to deny that acne sucks. I have it too. I've inherited it from my Dad and it is tough when your face is the first thing people see. I used to never wear my glasses as a kid just so I couldn't see the acne on my face when I looked in the mirror. You've been given some really great support and advice here. Hang in there.
 
ldy_solana said:
janie just want to give you a great big hug right now girl! i am dealing with the rude co worker again. this time it was bad she basically said she didn't see why my husband wanted to be a with a fat ass like me :(. that hurt me deeply but thank you for putting it back in perspective!



kassia
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Kassia, . . I'll have to resend the evil stink eye back to her. Jealous. She just sounds jealous. She sounds like she has a major Napoleaon complex. Her opinions are not worth wasting your time. As a matter of fact you should tell her that she robbed you of time that could have been better spent elsewhere. Mean people sometimes like to make themselves seem better by cutting down others. Don't even think of it. Your fabulous! Sending you a hug right back.
 
Fidget Queen,

I want to send you a cyber hug as well. It really is easy for me and others to say "it's not so bad" when we're not the ones suffering what you are. Well, not EASY, but you know what I mean.

My DD had extreme eczema from the time she was 6 months old to about 5. Her face was infected a lot of the time and she was itchy and miserable. People would look at her like she was a monster and look at me like I was a horrible mother. So, I sort of understand what you're going through. It hurt me so much to have people look at my DD that way.

Anyway, keep looking for that therapist that you click with. And, shame on that doctor for making you feel that way. Grrrrrrrrr. I'm so angry for you.
 
Kassia!

I am so sorry about your coworker. I actually seem to remember you mentioning her in the past. She sounds like a horrible human being, so please don't take anything she says to heart. She obviously has real problems with herself (like you said, not happy in her marriage, most likely not in herself). Anybody who CONTINUES to harass you in that way doesn't even deserve consideration. I'd feel very, very fortunate that you must have a great life in comparison. There is no reason for that kind of rudeness :(
 
MadnNatsmom said:
Fidget Queen,

I want to send you a cyber hug as well. It really is easy for me and others to say "it's not so bad" when we're not the ones suffering what you are. Well, not EASY, but you know what I mean.

My DD had extreme eczema from the time she was 6 months old to about 5. Her face was infected a lot of the time and she was itchy and miserable. People would look at her like she was a monster and look at me like I was a horrible mother. So, I sort of understand what you're going through. It hurt me so much to have people look at my DD that way.

Anyway, keep looking for that therapist that you click with. And, shame on that doctor for making you feel that way. Grrrrrrrrr. I'm so angry for you.
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Thank you for that. Even though I know that those who love me, love me anyway, it hurts when you get the looks and comments from strangers. There is still that stigma out there that people have acne because they can't be bothered to wash their face! My diet isn't even bad! But especially that doctor, who himself had no insight into the acne, dared to blame me. I believe that it may very well be something I am doing (or not doing) but that's why I go to people for help to begin with! :mad:

I was born with severe psoriasis, as well, so I've always had skin conditions. My dad has eczema, so I know how painful it is. The opinion of strangers mean nothing technically, but it still gets to you. You start to believe there is really something wrong.

I am so used to being treated strangely when dealing with strangers, I barely make eye contact anymore. Last week, I went to the bank to make a deposit. I did the whole transaction without even noticing the person I was dealing with (yes, not nice on my part, I need to try to get over that again). He was being so incredibly nice and sweet, even striking up a conversation. This rarely ever happens anymore (partially because of my own shyness, I'm sure). I finally paid attention to him and realized that he had severe acne, as well. I think he was going out of his way to reach out to me, and I wanted to jump the counter and give him the biggest hug for that. That helped a lot at the time.

On the plus side, I have become so much less judgmental than I used to be. I was never horrible, but I made assumptions, just like most people. Now my hearts goes out to people so easily. And kindness simply makes me cry anymore. I guess there's always good to come from things :eek:.
 
I just wanted to send a huge cyber hug and to say that I can tell from your post what a wonderful person you are. I can completely understand how you could have spent so much in any hope of help from such a horrible condition. I feel for you and earnestly hope you know that there are people who love and care about you. I have no great advice to offer, but wanted to give you my support. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
 
Fidget, be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you've been through quite a time. That doctor should be sent to Guantanamo Bay, along with the pediatrician who told me I was too fat to ever grow up to be beautiful like my mother, when I was 11 years old, and triggered years and years of eating disorders. I'm hoping there's a special place in h@ll for such people. Sending big hugs to you, and best wishes.
 
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Thank you, Nancy!!

Why on earth do people feel inclined to say things like that? I mean, it's one thing to let snide comments fall out of your moth to a passerby (not excusable, either), but to actually work on formulating a statement like that for somebody you're working with. I could never in my life imagine saying something hurtful like that to a person, let alone a child! Do you think, in some perverse way, he was trying to butter up your mother?

I've had bad experiences with doctors my whole life, though. Their egos are out of control, particularly the mens'. I remember the first male gynecologist I went to said something so inappropriate that I swore I would never see a male gyno again. And I will maintain that for life!

I'm so sorry, Nancy!
 
Thank you, Fidget. I'm totally with you on the male gyns!

If you haven't already, I strongly recommend letting your family know that you won't be doing gifts this year, or just giving little tokens. I remember one year when I was a broke student I went to a stationary store and bought funny post-it notes that matched the personalities of each member of my family. It was hilarious when each person read them out loud at our Hanukah/Christmas gathering. Fortunately, everyone had a good sense of humor ;). Just a thought.

More cyber hugs coming your way!
 
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Fidget, you mentioned you tried traditional treatment for the acne....did that include Retin-A? Most people think of it now as just a wrinkle treatment, which is a wonderful side effect :D but it was created for acne, and it works exceptionally well.

I started using it when I was 28 for just that reason, I had acne all over my chin and it was just awful, and after a few weeks it had cleared right up. I have used it for the past 20 years, and now at 48, not only do I have clear skin, I really don't have any notiicable wrinkles either.

Try a dermotologist, follow her directions to the letter (you have to ease into Retin-A) and I think you will be happy with the results. Also, since acne is a disease, insurance will cover it (your dermatologist must specify that she prescribed it for that).
 
Wanted to send cyber hugs as well -- and I don't think its an American phenomenon either as I've traveled as well (and India too). But I was going to suggest to to possibly talk to an allergist. My husband has big skin problems (though he doesn't really handle it maturely at all) and he went to dermatologists that knew crap. Gave him stuff that didn't help or made things worse. And then he had this allergic reaction earlier this year, pretty bad actually, and we took him to the allergist and in the process of finding out things with that, he's now found drugs/creams (prescription though) that makes him have clear smooth skin. He's much happier for it. Since it's something in your whole family, it could be some genetic inflammatory response. Just an idea.
 
Hi there!

I have actually been on Retin A and Retin A micro for over two years. (I also went on it for a year back in 2003). It helps get rid of the smaller bumps, but it's done nothing for the rest of it. And I mean nothing. I think that the cystic acne I have is forming such deep infections that nothing topical even touches it. After a year of easing into it, I had a derm tell me that i needed to make sure that I had a red "flush" all of the time from the Retin A, as that is a sign that it's bringing blood flow to the face for healing. That is when it started helping with the smaller stuff, but it still isn't touching the actual acne. I continue to use it for the wrinkle prevention, though, and to help with the pitted scars I already have. That is slow going, but it can help.

The same derm/aesthetician that I bought the laser treatments from has been doing a weekly treatment on me, as well (part of the package). Every two weeks I do a microdermabrasion, an extraction, a high frequency treatment, a 30 minute blue light treatment, and an acne facial. Every week I go in for a basic high frequency and blue light treatment. All-in-all, it's done absolutely nothing except help slightly with the redness. I've been doing that for 5 months now. I stop using the Retin A for two days before and after the facial, and then resume it in between. The next thing we're going to try is Levulan, which has done great things for acne. We'll see how it actually works for me :rolleyes:

I feel like I tend to be the exception to every rule. I've done everything except for Accutane, which I refuse to do (I already have severe anxiety, insomnia, and depression). I've been seeing derms faithfully for my face since 2001 (and have been going for a lifetime for a psoriasis). I did Birth Control, Spiro, Antibiotics, etc. The side effects were extremely bad for me, so I couldn't continue, particularly the antibiotics. Between 2005 and 2007 I went the completely holistic, natural route. Colon cleanses, fasts, anticandida diet and supps, only the best all natural ingredients on my face, a complete overhaul in diet (high raw elimination diet). Things actually got much worse, which is why I went on the retin-A.

As good news, I had a consult yesterday with a doctor in California whom I sent test results as well as pages and pages of medical/personal histories. From what she says, my adrenals and my pituitary gland are not functioning properly. Three things that my adrenals should be producing are not being produced at all (I need to look into that, because I'm not sure what she was talking about). Two hormones produced by my pituitary gland are supposed to be put out in a certain ratio, and not only are they reversed, but the reversed ratio is 3:1. It should be 1:2. (this is also related to PCOS and I was able to find myself on my recots). She says it can be resolved with a specialist, but those things alone can be responsible for my acne. I feel like that was a good start. Oh, and she said that even though my thyroid numbers are within a normal range, the only way to gauge its daily activity is to take my temperature every day for awhile and create a log. If my temp fluctuates, it's a sign that my thyroid isn't quite right, which is also a factor in acne. I've taken thyroid tests every six months for 2 years, also, and it is within normal range, but it is fluctuating between high normal and low normal. Once again, a potential contributor to acne and whole range of other issues.

I'm working on it! Just like Janie used to do, I avoid mirrors and all reflective surfaces. That, so far, as been the absolute best medicine. If I avoid them long enough, I can start to pretend that I look completely and utterly normal :eek:.
 
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