Becoming More Assertive

D

dogs2birds

Cathlete
I happen to be a really nice person (if I do say so :p). My DH says I'm too nice and that causes me to get walked all over. My boss treats me like crap (he's a condescending you-know-what)and a couple of mean people at work have their moments as well. The nice people are super to work with, but there are a couple of people who can just walk all over me and I'm terrible about sticking up for myself. I wish that I could be more assertive and not let people push me around. This goes for other areas in my life as well (although I've gotten MUCH better), but for the most part work is where I need the most help now.

DH says that it's just like dogs in a pack and how they will pick on the weakest one. Well, we're not dogs and I just hate that we have to play such stupid games. I wish we could just be who we are and do our thing. I know - pull my head out!

So what have you done to help you become more assertive? I know that a lot of it is a lack of self-confidence, but are there any tips, books, etc. that you can suggest? I figure that such a confident group of women will surely have some ideas for me. :)

Suz

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France

http://www.picturetrail.com/dogs2birds
 
Suz,

I'm the same way. Can hardly wait for some responses. I'm ready to grow more.

Janie

The idea is to die young as late as possible

www.picturetrail.com/janiejoey

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I am the same way dang it. But once in awhile I get fed up with my own BS and finally take a stand when I need to. It does come off as "bitchy" sometimes though, I think its because I come across too strongly and people are not use to it!:) Or I am acting out instead of remaining true to myself.

On those good days I am not a human doormat:) and yes, I do have those days, more so lately than when I was younger....I remind myself of my core beliefs, those things that make up who I am. And then if a situation doesn't "jive" if you will with those beliefs I smile, state my case and move on.:)

Does any of that make any sense?
 
I don't really have much to offer in the way of advice. My issue is learning to be more "confrontational," which I guess could fall in line a little with what you're talking about. I just have to tell myself right before I get ready to confront the situation that it's them or me. I know I sometimes come across as the "b" word or mean when I do it but usually by that point, I'm so aggravated that I don't even care. }(

Kim
 
I have this problem. I REALLY have this problem with my MIL. She's one of those passive aggressive types that compliments you one minute and throws a jab at you the next. I never really knew how to handle it until DH gave me some advice. He told me that every time she says something a little rude (she makes jokes that are thinly veiled insults), ask her point blank what she means - not in a confrontational way - in a 'I'm really wondering what you mean' way. When faced with actually having to be honest, she always backs down and the 'attacks' lessen. I think people back down when their behavior is questioned and they can't justify it. Of course, calling someone on their behavior takes some courage and I'm *learning* how to be more courageous.

Carolyn :)
 
Suz, you sound like me about 10 years ago. It took time, but I was able to overcome it. I don't have time now, but I'll send you a PM this weekend and tell you how I dealt with it.
 
Learn that people are no better than you are. If someone says something that you find mean, remember that they aren't any better than you are. Simply walk away without being affected by their words, or tell them off.

Don't let people push you around. If you feel that your being thrown around, then directly put yourself as a priority. Make sure that you deal with this problem so that you won't feel this way. Put yourself in front of the pack.

Don't be too assertive as to where you end up to look immature, rude, or mean unless if people are acting towards you like that. Don't suddenly just jump on people for no reason. Like don't try to beat the old lady when your grocery shopping to the cash register. Only be assertive if people are doing something really harmful or offensive to you. (Only be assertive when its really necessary)
 
Ok, I cannot believe I am going to do this...but here is goes...I am going to quote Dr. Phil! :)

"You teach people how to treat you"

Here is something I found that explains it well:
Have you ever taught a dog to obey a command? Dr. Phil McGraw is saying that humans are not that different. We respond to rewards and threats. When a result feels good, we are likely to repeat it. When it feels bad, we are less likely to repeat it.

Every time we react to what somebody else says or does, we are teaching her how to treat us. If you don't like how somebody is treating you, you can curse and blame...or you can retrain that person.

There is some reward you are getting from being walked on...Maybe, your reward is just that you do not have to be confrontational or that they will "like" you and think you are a really nice person.

Also, another quote I LOVE is from Charles Barkley (out of all people):

"50% of the people are going to like you and 50% are not going to like you. It is up to you to decide who you hang out with!"

I love that because it puts everything into perspective for me. I don't have to try to "get" people to like me. Half will and half won't - if I think that way, it is ok if some just don't approve of me. There are others that will simply for who I am. I don't have to prove anything to everyone. (does that make sense?)

You have to know what you deserve! you deserve to be respected - but, only YOU decide that...One more quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt) She is saying that you teach people how to treat you.

You are worth being treated with dignity and respect. But, only you can decide that for yourself.
 
I think we all walk a fine line between being too assertive and too passive. I think women especially worry about being too assertive because we will get labeled a bitch. To me, it all comes down to self-respect. Most people are insecure about something and that insecurity causes people to act mean sometimes. In fact, it is the bully that is really the most insecure. Realize that you are WORTHY of being treated in a professional way at work. Also realize that the person that may be attacking you has their own insecurities that they are dealing with. Often when I have an issue with someone, I try to find out where they are coming from. It doesn't excuse their behavior, but knowing where their insecurities comes from helps to explain their behavior. You realize it's not directed at you but is really a reflection of them.

I hope this helps. I have been dealing with this issue as well and I'm getting better at it.
 
Suz-I think there are many of us that are (or were) in the same boat as you. Having said that.....

I have completely changed in that sense, over the last 3 years. For me, it was DH's passing that made me realize that life is too short...for MANY things. I decided right then and there to take life by the horns and just plow ahead. Now, mind you, I DO tell it like it is and I am 125% honest and open with everybody in my life about everything, but I AM NICE ABOUT IT! I try to word things in a way that will both get my point across, yet minimize the 'insult damamge' it may do. You cannot make everybody happy all the time, and it's just so very true.

There is a way to be assertive, honest and blunt, and at the same time be nice about it. Being assertive does NOT equal being rude or impolite.

Also, there have been times that something has upset me to the Nth degree, but I've walked away in the heat of the moment. BUT...I do that at times because I know myself well enough to understand that I would just mouth off in the wrong way. BUT I ALWAYS come back to the person to discuss it....always. And let me tell you, in 9 out of 10 instances, it was a misunderstanding on somebody's part, and we've were able to move ahead.

It's really an awesome feeling, knowing that there is a balance between being assertive AND being nice. It's empowering, also, to stand up for yourself AND TO DO IT in a non-demeaning, non-threatening way.

OK....out from behind the podium. On with my day! lol

Gayle
 
Suz ...

I think it all depends on the personality of the people you are talking about ... I am one that leans toward stating thing TOO CLEARLY ... but no one has to wonder where I stand w/them.

I have only had one person I could not deal with .. and it was b/c she was absolutly PSYCHO ..LOL ..

.. I think the key to NOT being run over is stating facts clearly without emotions getting involved and that takes patience and time to master. If you feel emotions welling up just sit and look at them and grin/smirk until the emotions pass and you are able to state your concerns clearly and matter of factly!

If you look them in the eye and you are honest w/them .. if they are cowardly and being mean to make themselves feel better they will tuck their tails and run. If they are just being "pack" people and you look them in the eye and are honest w/them the leader of the pack is more than likely going to say something in response and they will back them .. so be ready for that. If they are just gossipy and wanting to "start something" or keep something stirred up in the office they won't know what to do w/honesty and you will probably blow their minds!

and if they are being nosy and butting into your business .. the quickest way to nip it in the bud and make them realize it is none of their business w/o being a B#### ... is to look calmly into their eyes and say "And you want to know this because ..... " or "you are concerned about this because ...." it is a polite way of saying butt out of my business you nosey %$#^%#%$#% .. LOL

I took a lot of crap growing up .. and finally realized I was spending my time trying to please or be like a group of idiots .. who needs that. So knowing you are worth much more .. and life is short and spending your time worrying about petty people is a waste of valuable time.

My advice:
Look them in the eye
smile
state your opinion w/o emotion
smile
walk off laughing to yourself!!
:7
 
Hey, Suz!

I REALLY struggled with this for a very long time. I don't think I became really comfortable in my own skin until I turned 40! I spent a number of years in counselling to help me with my self-esteem issues...

I had to figure out where this poor self-image came from. I always knew, but didn't want to admit it because I had this misconception that I was 'blaming' those who loved me. I had to accept that it wasn't purposeful - it's just the way things were and we all did the best we could do at the time. There was no real intention to hurt me.

I realized was that the work environment I was in was really hurting me emotionally, too. I decided I HAD to get out - and I did. I knew I was a good employee and produced excellent work, but with a back-biting all female staff, well, it wasn't pretty!

The other thing was my husband. He's a really great guy, but he did things that were hurtful to me without realizing it. I had to really communicate with him. We worked on my self-esteem issues together and it made me feel better and our marriage stronger. A win-win!

I also had to focus on myself - how did I project myself? How did I take care of myself? How did I handle myself under pressure or in confrontational situations? I started working out more regularly realizing that it helped my self-confidence. I wore flattering, tasteful clothes that said, "I'm not afraid to stand out!" I had phrases at the ready for someone who wanted to tangle with me (easy things like, "Wow, you must really be having a bad day!" or "We'll have to agree to disagree."). And I didn't have to do everything everyone asked of me - it was okay to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't have the time to help you with this!"

I acquired a really great girlfriend who helped me through so much (and she still does). She's beautifully assertive and I've learned so much from her.

You must come to truly realize and acknowledge your worth. You have to KNOW inside yourself that you are important. I don't know how to tell you how to get there - it took me a long time. I wish I had a magic formula because it's SO hard and a lot of work to get to a good place within yourself. But you can do it, I know you can!

Liz
 
Oh my goodness, Suz come spend a w/e with me, I'll give you an immersion course in assertiveness. ;-)

I don't know if it's something that can be learned, I think it comes from the inside. In my own life assertiveness came with self confidence, which came with age. As I matured I just started to see myself differently & realized everyone wasn't smarter than me as I used to think, that everyone didn't have the right answers as opposed to my wrong answers, & that I didn't have much to lose & did have much to gain by taking a chance & taking a stand, if that makes sense.

So before you concentrate on your behavior with others, focus on how you feel about yourself. You have to be confident in your own intelligence & decisions, that's when you become more assertive. I think, anyway. :+
 
You know, there are people that will label you as a bitch if you bark back at them... You know who those people are???? The ones who have been used to walking all over you.
So do you really care?

My favorite line if someone calls me a bitch is "I know, and I'm so good at it too!". I AM a bitch! (If you piss me off) :) LOL!

You have to remember that you will never get what you want by waiting for someone else to step up to the plate. If you don't like how something is happening, or someone is treating you, it's on YOU to fix it. As my husband says, "Otherwise, you don't get to complain".

You can be firm and confident and speak your mind, all without being mean or confrontational. Ask a lot of questions (as someone else said), and speak your mind plainly if you disagree with something. You don't have to change anyone else's mind, but you DO have the responsiblity to let them know that you don't agree.

And most to the point..you don't have to be confident (although it does help), you just have to APPEAR that way. :)

Take care of yourself lady!
 
Thanks for all of the great responses! I can't tell you how often I've repeated the Dr. Phil words to my sister (when she was in a bad relationship) "You teach people how to treat you." Ha! Who needs to hear those words???

Bill - Interesting what you had to say. We didn't grow up with my dad (I met him when I was 30) and he said some very similar words to my sister once about not letting people push you around. He was sort of baffled that we actually didn't stand up for ourselves more. I know he thinks we're kind of screwed up. :p But you're so right - I don't know why people think they are so much better than I am because they're not! :)

Nancy - I really look forward to what you have to say. I can't wait! I really need to overcome this b/c it affects my everyday life. And I know that I do it to myself. I'm the only one who can change the situation.

Thanks again you guys!

Suz

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France

http://www.picturetrail.com/dogs2birds
 
Oh shoot - more responses while I was responding (I got interrupted a few times).

Liz - Luckily, I have the greatest DH in the world. He is so supportive and encouraging. I couldn't ask for a better DH. I am truly blessed. I love your saying of "Wow, you must really be having a bad day!" I'm definitely going to have to use that one at work! I love it. :) Congrats on how far you've come.

Laura - Yeah, I wish I could have half the confidence you do! I know that it boils down to a lack of self-confidence. I'm sure that I have more self-confidence now at 45 than I did 20 years ago, but I was sure I would have much more now.

You guys are right - I'm the only one who can change it. I can't change the other people. And I can't keep complaining about it. My DH says it's my fault for letting them treat me that way b/c I don't stand up to them. It is easier said than done. But I DO want to change b/c I'm tired of it!!!

Suz

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." - Anatole France

http://www.picturetrail.com/dogs2birds
 
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